Gentlemen you can't fight in here, this is the war room!

In the nearly 2 years I've been writing this blog (really must arrange some kind of birthday party for it!) I've (hopefully) articulated on many of the weird and wonderful ways in which my mind works (or doesn't depending on your argument) and the thing I find hardest to get across is why my 'highs' aren't necessarily a good thing.

When í'm on a elevated mood that's obviously a very good thing, I'm happy, positive, creative and fun. This is the best time to approach me with ideas and plans or for me to begin new projects because the surge of positive energy that I suddenly posess can be well-utilised.

The flip side of 'highs' are when í'm in the state that I'm in now. This will be the second night that I've been wide awake all night, last night I managed to read an entire book by 4.30am. I can't even manage to catch up on sleep during the day by napping (anyone who knows me knows how much i love a good nap) or going back to bed post-bunny feeding of a morning. I simply cannot stay asleep. The lack of sleep leaves me fuzzy-headed and sicky during the day and even though at this moment I am exhausted and my eyes feel like lead, I simply cannot drift off.

My brain is agitated, it's like a hyperactive toddler who won't sit still or stop babbling nonsense. It's travelling at 300 miles an hour but it's not a fun ride. It's gone beyond energy that I can harness creatively or tonight even focus on a book, it's like static electricity snapping and popping around my head trying and failing to connect to something useful.

Luckily unlike static electricity it hasn't given me an afro as the "hello it's 2.34am" photo at the top will confirm. Admittedly it seems like an odd moment to take a selfie that I shall in a moment be posting on Instagram. I don't know if this is some mad act of vanity #i'mstillawakelikethis perhaps, or my attempt to articulate my desperation to nod off visually through a decidedly un-glamourous, make-up free, bed-headed, wide-eyed shot. Or maybe I'm making some kind of anti-aspirational "look at my amazing life" post-modern point. And unlike many of my Instagram posts there's no cakes or sewing needles in sight!

I will shortly take a wander downstairs to see what delights Sky can offer me at this un-godly hour. Staring at the ceiling is a pointless exercise when my brain is doing this as one of the few connections that my agitation manages to make is to my anxiety-o-meter. I'm a fairly anxious person on a normal day as you all know but when I get agitated it can become un-managable. Case in point was yesterday when me, Chris & Vana were on our way out i noticed that Estelle was laying in the run (to my mind) looking unwell. I insisted on delaying our departure in order to do the 'treat test' (basically waving a treat to see if she'll eat it) let's just say she moved at lightening speed along with Esme and proved my fears unfounded. But the point is that if I hadn't checked I would have been freaking out the entire time we were out.

It's kinda scary to have one's mind so out of control at times, I worry that there's a chance that I won't be able to reign it in and it'll take me with it. I have an image of me riding it much like the pilot on the nuke in Dr Strangelove "ye ha-ing" my way to mental apocalypse.

Coincidentally Dr Strangelove has the funniest movie line ever "Gentlemen you can't fight in here this is the war room". Which in a way perfectly describes my head as a whole, my ups and downs tussling in front of the control panel that's desperately trying to keep me functioning.

Right there must be some trashy tv on....

Love Jen
XxxX