End Of The Beginning

Today is my final appointment with the Psychologist and as homework I've been asked to formulate answers to some questions, some of them have been pretty tough to answer actually. The sessions have forced me to look at myself and my problems and confront all the things I dislike about myself, but also in a way to accept they are a part of who I am, and as they say in Alice In Wonderland I wouldn't have my "muchness" without them.

So these are the questions and my answers –

What bought you to psychology?

Initially to cope with low mood and anxiety. Through talking about my mood patterns I realised I actually experienced highs and lows rather than constant low mood and that I needed to balance my mood.

What's helped with anxiety?

Breathing exercises that I have been practising (look up Diaphramatic breathing, it's really good!). We also tried weighing up the evidence of some of my odder anxieties and testing predictions regarding things that seemed frightening, e.g sitting in certain spots in the garden will apparently not cause the world to end!

Coping with high and low mood-

Admittedly I would happily keep the 'high' days but I know they are irritating for the people around me and can be equally as destructive to me as the 'low' days. 'High' days are the days when I will make promises I cannot keep and set myself ridiculously high targets to achieve that I then, inevitably, fall short of, spiralling me back down again. When I'm 'low' it can help to focus on things that make me happy in terms of achievement e.g making jewellery, making Christmas presents and decorations at the moment.

These questions were all ones that we worked on during the last session, the next ones I've been given as 'homework' and whilst I keep sitting down to look at them and try to answer them I'm drawing a massive blank! So I've had to just jot down a few thoughts and hope they're good enough.

What else helps? 

To be honest when I'm low nothing does help, when I'm in a really, really low mood it's impossible for anything to break through. I guess I just have to rely on my mood going 'up' again.

What have I learnt about myself from these sessions?

I've learnt that it's not normal for your mood to 'flip' from low/high high/low in a second. It also has validated weird moods and ideas I've had since childhood, that there was a reason I've always felt a bit different and out of touch with other people.

What can I do to support myself in the future?

In all honesty I try not to think about the future. Since I'm going to be stuck with being bipolar for life sometimes it doesn't feel like there's much point looking forward as recovery isn't an option, I'm still struggling with that concept. Before when I thought I had unipolar depression there was always the thought that I'd be free of it in a few years time or at least that it would've faded a bit and become more manageable. I'm still not comfortable with the idea that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and there's the chance that my mood spikes may get worse. I always had an idea that eventually I'd be well enough to move out of home and possibly in with Helen or another friend but I don't think I'll be well enough not to become a burden to them and for them to end up looking after me which is incredibly unfair on them. 

Support-wise I really don't know, I'm on 100mg of Lamotringe daily to 'stabilise' my mood along with anxiety tablets. I don't know if counselling would help any more as there's only so many times you can cover the same subject and it still not shifting. The mental health services in this area aren't amazing as I've found through personal experience with a Psychiatrist and also with the Health In Mind service.

What can I do if I start to feel low or down in the future?

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes almost minute to minute, there is no 'fix' for my down feelings unfortunately. Just crossing my feelings and hoping that the net 'up' comes along soon.

I'm really hoping the Psychologist can make some other suggestions as I'm floundering if I'm honest. The idea of 'going it alone' scares me as much as being stuck with a broken head for the rest of my life. 

Here's hoping something positive comes out of today's session. 

Love Jen

XxxxX