So kinda finding it a bit of a mindfuck (pardon my French family members/work colleagues who may be reading my ramblings) the whole stuck with Bipolar thing.
On Friday my psychiatrist asked me again how I felt about it being a lifelong condition, I had to admit that I had buried my head very firmly in the sand. I will worry about other people's problems/health 'till the cows come home but I am very much an ostrich when it comes to my own.
She likened life-long Bipolar to missing a leg or some such physical disability. Even my milder Bipolar II with it's lack of truly manic episodes (although anyone who had to witness my pre-gig excitement a week or so ago may have disagreed, sorry guys) can be just as debilitating in a way. I never know when my mood is going to 'flip'. I can be having the best day ever when suddenly my head goes 'pop' and decides that I'm incredibly depressed.
It's that which I struggle with the most, whilst with the common or garden depression I thought I had there was always the hope of recovery or at least periods of respite from the black. With my Bipolar as it is I don't get that, I know I'm stuck with my stupid pitching up and down mentality, to borrow a quote from Helen "I'm up and down like a whore's draws".
So to be honest right now I honestly don't see how I can fight my way out of this one, I have one more session left with the Psychiatrist and she's indicated that there isn't really a lot more we can do, plus I know how long the occ health waiting list is and I don't want to take away from someone else who may need her more than me.
I guess somehow I just have to accept that i'm not going to lead the life I always thought I would eventually when I was 'better'. I'll have to keep trying to make it up to family and friends who have to deal with me day to day and who I'm letting down.
Love Jen
XxxxX
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