Happy Birthday Estelle & Esme

Today is a very special day, it's my beautiful bunnies Estelle & Esme's 5^th birthday!

They moved in with me when they were 8 weeks old, it's hard for me to imagine how tiny they were back then, they could each sit in the palm of my hand (anyone who has met them now, especially Princess Estelle may have trouble believing that!) and would snuggle up inside of my coat.

It sounds incredibly corny but I honestly never imagined I could immediately love these two little balls of fluff so unconditionally. They made me laugh from the beginning with their opposite personalities, Esme was too scared to go down the ramp for a week after they arrived whereas Estelle was up and down the ramp within half an hour of arriving! Even now we call Esme "brave and mighty" because of her (to put it politely) more hesitant personality. She does however make up for this with the power of her glare! There's nothing to put you in your place quite like Esme and her glare.

Whereas Esme is the definite brains (and tidying expert) of the pair Estelle is, how shall I put it delicately, not quite as intelligent as her sister. This is after all the rabbit who goes herself stuck between the fence and the run after deciding to test whether she was aerodynamic (the answer was no!) and who nearly gave herself a heart attack when she threw the toy she was playing with underneath herself! She is also the vainest rabbit I have ever met and if I have my phone or camera in my hand she will unleash her (many and varied) repertoire of poses.

I have so many wonderful memories of the girls, their first few days with us, the first time they went on the grass, laying in the grass run and being used as a bunny climbing frame, Esme falling asleep in the top of the fort and then sliding down the ramp, Estelle running up and down the top of the run as me and Helen were trying to brush her, having the food bowl thrown at me (not a rare occurrence!) and more recently discovering the girls are apparently rocket powered when put on harnesses!

I could gush all day and over many pages of blog about how wonderful the girls are and how I'd be lost without them however I am conscious that my readers may be reaching for a sick bag by now! So I will simply day Happy Birthday to the most beautiful, silly, messy, greedy and vain rabbit in the world and her equally beautiful, glarey, tidy, brave and mighty and soppy sister.

Love you girls so much.

Xxx Mummy xxX

That Was The Week That Was

Sorry for the blog drought this week, I've been concentrating on trying to get as many Christmas pressure and decorations as possible! I've made some stockings that I'm planning on filling with sweeties and treats.

Cute huh? 

I also made this 30STM headband ready for the O2 show!

I've been really excited this week as both Mind & The Blurt Foundation have been kind enough to publish some of my blogs. The reaction I've had on Twitter and Facebook has been really positive, thank you all so much. It's hard to describe how good it feel knowing I've connected with other people who have been through similar experiences.

This week I saw my GP to discuss how i've been getting on with my medication. The Lamotringe seems to be having a positive effect, it's definitely taken the 'manic' edge off of my mood and is helping my anxiety. I am still struggling with some down days so my GP has upped my dose to 100mg.

I've been seeing my Psychologist again, it's been tough going as we're tackling my anxieties, the fact that I can't eat pasta bake or sit in the 'bad' spot in the garden in case something bad happen to Helen or my family. My Psych also wants me to sign a contract with her that for the duration of our sessions I won't self-harm. That's going to be a tough ask as there are many different reasons why I cut myself, when I'm stressed, angry, punishing myself for something i've said or done wrong, I also self-harm as a way of protecting my loved ones from bad things happening to them, I see it as taking on the harm rather than it catching them.

On a far happier note today I celebrated my beautiful Estelle & Esme's 5th birthday party with the help of their Auntie Helen and Auntie Kay. The girls were of course spoilt rotten with toys and treats (including a mirror for Estelle - the world's vainest bunny!), of course there were hoomin treats too ;)

Here's a few photos -

Love Jen

XxxxxX

My Tattoos: A Spotter`s Guide

Regular readers of my blog will know I`m a big fan of tattoos and always plotting and planning what I want next! Today I added to my collection -

Sore but well worth it!

I got my first tattoo way back in 2007 when I had 3 stars tattooed on my shoulder, it was a good starter tattoo and also means I'm freezable for 3 months :p

My next tattoo came at the start of 2012 - 

My Sugar Skull tattoo affectionally known a Cyril is a Mexican Day Of The Dead celebration skull and reminds me that life is precious. He also features the 30 Seconds To Mars glyphs because their music among other things helped me turn my life around.

Next up is my Triad tattoo- 

This one is pretty simple to explain, it`s a tribute to 30 Seconds To Mars and shows I'm proud to be part of the Echelon.

After 3 small, basic tattoos this year I was ready to go for a more complicated piece and opted for a Kingfisher and a Swallow on my upper arm. 

The kingfisher was a particularly special one as it`s in tribute to my Grandma who got the all clear from cancer earlier this year. Kingfishers are her favourite bird and for as long as I can remember I've associated them with her.

Underneath the Kingfisher is a rockabilly style sallow -

I chose a swallow because they are a summer bird and I have happy memories as a child of laying watching them flying over the garden on many a summers evening. The swallow is carrying cherries which are for Helen as they are her favourite fruit and fitted with the summer theme.

Today's tattoo was to comemmorate a few things, the first was the 5 year anniversary of my friend Nat passing away which falls this month (read about her story here). It was also in celebration of my beautiful Estelle & Esme turning 5 next week. 

I drew the rabbit as a combination of both the girls, Esme`s `up` ears and Estelle`s expression. It also has the Chinese Zodiac sign for rabbit which is conveniently my zodiac sign (see it was meant to be!). And don't worry I've triple checked and the symbol definitely means rabbit and not special fried rice or anything. 

All together!

People often ask me if I worry about what my tattoos will look like when I'm older and to be honest, whilst I know that they won't look this sharp and colourful forever, I think I will be pleased that I had the get up and go to go out there and get them done - rather than spending my life saying "what if?".

My tattoos also give me more confidence and reflect my creative nature, aside from the Triad, I've designed them all and it`s a great feeling having art that you`ve created as a permanent part of you. On a purely superficial level I have pretty bad spots on my arms and the tattoos distract from that and give me the confidence to wear short-sleeved or sleeveless tops.

I definitely want more tattoos, on my other arm i`d like the summer element of Mucha`s Four Seasons and I shall obviously need to put an Alice In Wonderland related piece in there somewhere ...... 

Love Jen

XxxxX

It's Bedlam In Here!

Last night was the second instalment of Channel 4's Bedlam series which gives an insight into the lives of the staff and patientsworking in South London & Maudsley's NHS Trust's Mental Health services. This episodefocused on Lambeth Hospital's Triage unit which assesses patients who are admitted to them and make the crucial decision as towhether the patient is discharged to be cared for in the community or whether they are admitted to one of the longer stay beds.

In my opinion the programme gave a valuableinsight into the workings of an acute mental health ward and the everyday experiences of staff and patients. So much of what goes on'Behind The Scenes' in mental health is woefully unreported and it was incredibly refreshing to see staff & doctors portrayed as professionals with the best interests of the patients at heart. The programme also dealt very sensitively with the problems faced by the patients including Rupert a gentleman suffering from severe bipolar with psychosis. Instead of turning Rupert's story into a dramatic piece and sensationalising his symptoms he was presented in an almost clinical manner which was crucially non-invasive. Sometimes I feel the camera crewpushes the subjects of these films so hard and I wonder what the long-term effect on them is.

I really think more of these programmes are needed to shed further light on how mental health affects not only the sufferer but their family, friends and show the interactions between patient and health worker. Even I, who makes it my business to know about mental health in an admittedly very amateur way, learnt something new from this episode– about how triage works and the different Mental Health Act 'Sections' that can be applied in a patient's best interests.

The programme also highlighted the progress made in mental health care since Bedlam's heyday when Victorian folk would pay to view the poor souls incarcerated and mistreated in there. Whilst there is still much work to be done with regards to mental health, on occasion, being treated as a modern day freak show we can draw comfort from the fantastic advances in medication that have been made in the last few decades. These advances mean that people like me with more mild complaints can function and work in the community and live a life. Coupled with talking therapies I'm hoping that more people will have a better quality of life rather than the cycle of admissions to hospital and secure units.

Love Jen

XxxxX

Just Keep Swimming

Big Brother Voice* "Week 3 on the Lamotrigine"

Well aside from the black mood that washed in halfway through Friday and is only fading away today, I'm pretty happy with the Lamotrigine. Last night I upped the dose to 3 tablets to try and break my mood and anxiety which hopefully will work. I've definitely been feeling a lot calmer and happier as today has gone on. I'm really, really hoping that it has an effect soon, especially as I only have 4 more sessions with the Psychologist through the Occupational Health service.

I have a new Psychologist as my previous one was only temporary. She seems really nice but it's hard re-going over what I've already discussed. I've indicated to her that I want to tackle my anxiety problems in the remaining sessions, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was anxiety hangover from going out twice (Shocker) last week that pushed my mood down. My problem is that when I'm asked "what are you feeling?" or "Why do you feel this way?" my mind goes blank, which I imagine is some kind of defence mechanism that my brain puts in. I really need to learn to open up quick as with only 4 sessions left it's kinda time-critical. I really hope I get something out of it as, melodramatic as it sounds, I really cannot cope with the idea that this is it for the rest of my life. The thought of constant low mood and terror at the idea of going out and seeing people for the next 50 years really doesn't appeal.

In more positive news I contacted the Blurt Foundation (http://blurtitout.org/) a support and awareness network for those suffering Depression & Anxiety (you can also follow them on Twitter@BlurtAlerts) and they are interested in publishing some of my blogs! I also have Mind putting up one of my blogs on Monday (link to follow as soon as I have it). It's pretty exciting, perhaps this is me finding my voice and using it to help people.

Here's hoping!

Love Jen

XxxxX

"Have you tried turning your brain back off and then on again?"

Well sadly the good mood of my last blog couldn't last. Over the last few days i've been back to a depressive cycle with a helpful dollop of extreme anxiety covering "shall I cancel the O2 tickets" to Google imaging False Widow spiders and being on spider watch around the Bunny hutch after reading of a pet rabbit killed by a spider bite. Admittedly I feel the spider may be in more danger if it approached the girls, Esme may glare at it or Estelle may of course sit on it.........

I don't know if the low cycle has been bought on by me making myself be sociable last week at the party, trying not to appear too weird to people I don't know that well. 

The last time I saw the Occ Health Psychologist she said I had to start challenging myself to do things that scare me or cause my anxiety to sky rocket (and no that does not involve holding a snake or eating a banana Helen and Monkey!), but if it has this effect of making me a wreck for the next few days after is it really worth it? 

I have to start with a new psychologist today as the one I was seeing before was only temporary. I'm sure the new Psych will be just as nice as the old one but I really don't want to have to re-go over why i'm in this situation. I'm hoping previous psych will have left decent cover notes to avoid my bullying, recovery, depressed again sob story. 

I have to go into work in a minute with my "Everything's fine" mask on, some of my work colleagues who I'm closer to can partially see through it (in fact we all joke about me being mental, and yes i'm comfortable with that, I'd far rather we approached it with a sense of humour rather than it being a big polka dot elephant t in the room) but I'm worried that one day the mask will accidentally fly off and they'll see how crazy I really am.

I hate to end blogs on a low note as you know but today is one of those days when I'm really struggling to see the happy side of the coin. I know that it's early days for the mood stabilisers and that I can go up another tablet to 75mg a day if I need to, the problem is that they make me so tired (hence why I take them at night) and I honestly can't keep relying on colleagues good nature when they find me asleep in meetings or dozing off at my computer. 

Hopefully this is a blip on the way to recovery and getting my good mood back, cross your fingers for me. 

Love Jen

XxxxxX

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

This week has officially been a good week, I've been making myself go out and generally be a normal, social human being and the results seem to be paying off. 

On Sunday I had a wonderful day in Brighton with Helen & Kay

My two favorite ladies

Yep there was Rainbow Cake

And yes as officially mental I'm allowed to pose with this sign!

On Wednesday I went to Emma's Halloween party. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy getting my full goth on and painting my face

Day Of The Dead Make-Up - yes I kinda went as my tattoo

As always Em's house was decorated brilliantly with loads of Halloween treats and general spooky stuff. I was also really pleased with how my spider fascinator came out (amazing what you can do with some fabric and pipecleaners).

Em managed to turn herself into the Ghost Pope

A better shot of the spider fascinator (and my hair doing odd things)

Last night I went to Gem's and as well as worshipping Ellie her gorgeous cat I learnt to carve pumpkins for the first time *insert self-harmer and knife joke here*.

I went for slightly more gothy make-up last night

Gem carving like a pro

Making a mess!

The back of Gem's pumpkin

Gem's Pumpkin

My Pumpkin

Obviously I snuck a triad on mine!

In all their glowing glory on the front step

Ellie felt we should've been focusing on her and not Nightmare Before Christmas

It sounds silly but I'm actually quite proud of myself for doing loads this week. It's still teeny baby steps but it's giving me hope that this is the start of something.

Love Jen

XxxxX