After the low I'd been in that I described in my blog a couple of weeks ago ('Fighting Invisible Dragons') I'm now on the up and whilst I naturally far prefer the highs to the lows it can be a double-edged sword.
I think a lot of my current 'manic' cycle is due to my excitement about the airshow and also the General Anaesthetic I had last week (very minor procedure). I now consider myself, in my humble opinion, to be the Queen Of Anasthetics. When I came round in recovery I was immediately awake, the moment I was back on the ward I was guzzling water followed by a sandwich and a cup of tea! The nurse said I was 'incredibly sprightly', it was also the best sleep I've possibly ever had, I woke up feeling refreshed in a way I never have before. I've long suspected that my quality of sleep is pretty poor, apparently having vivid dreams that you remember every night and waking up easily and frequently means you aren't getting the deep sleep you need, which would explain why I'm always exhausted even when my brain is too awake to sleep.
I haven't slept for more than a couple of hours since Saturday night (admittedly Saturday was my fault for napping during the afternoon as I felt a bit squiffy) and have even felt too awake for naps when I get home from work. The feeling awake is different to not feeling tired. I am physically exhausted and my eyes are heavy, I'm tired in bed at night and willing myself to drop off but it's just not happening.
The nice, excited part of this is great- I'm bubbling away and fit to burst with energy. My brain is moving so fast that the rest of the world seems to be creeping along at a snail's pace and I'm willing it to hurry up and catch up. My concentration is shot so I'm having to re-check all my work to ensure I've not made any mistakes, although that's a habit I've gotten into now after my previous experiences!
This is all fun and mostly bearable but unfortunately what does come with the manic territory is the potential for extreme anxiety and OCD flip outs. If I carry on building like I am for the rest of today and into tomorrow or the next few days then all the energy and excitement will transform into anxiety or something will trigger me and my OCD will find an excuse to invade my brain.
That's my real worry, the busy brain and bubbling I can handle quite happily, the anxiety lurking in the back of my head watching and waiting.
Love Jen
XxxX
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