I've been playing on Pinterest a lot over the last 24 hours, I blame Helen for this entirely! I'd had my account for nearly 2 years without doing much on it aside from putting a few jewellery pictures up! Should you feel the burning desire to look at my boards you can find them through my Twitter @JenRaeFrances I'll warn in advance though that there are a lot of plane pictures!
Anyway I digress. Whilst wasting time on there when I couldn't sleep last night I came across this pin which I think describes the way my brain works and the problems it's caused me perfectly. I still have to bind myself to silence about the work situation, the last thing I want to do is give them any excuse to make the situation any worse than it is already.
It's hard to try and explain my brain state to anyone not 'in the club'. How can anyone understand the impossibility of focusing on just one thing at a time? For example right now as I type this blog my brain is processing the following; the words for this blog, the return of Boris Johnson as an MP, trying to work out who sings the song that is going round my head (all I can tell you is it has lots of tuneful "ohs" in it), wondering what the hell is going to happen next at work and last but not least that I'm actually rather peckish. And that's my head in a 'calm' moment!
Imagine that on one of my bad days when my anxiety has skyrocketed, the situation is untenable. It's no wonder that I've made, and keep making no matter how hard I try not to, all the fuck-ups. There's a reason that something stupid like 80% on Bipolar sufferers are in low paid, basic jobs. If we can't control our brains then how the hell can we progress in the workplace? How many times will people accept the explanation "I'm sorry I can't help it, it's an illness" before you get accused of playing on your condition?
I really wish I could spill everything that is going on to you guys, but it's just not worth the potential hassle it may cause.
I guess at the moment I'm feeling held back and frustrated by everything. For some reason when I was at school and college I had teachers and lecturers queuing up to try and convince me I'd be capable of some kind of high flying career. Even though i took the proclamations with a very large hand full of salt I do still feel like a failure knowing that I will forever be held back by my stupid brain wiring.
Love Jen
XxxX
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