The end of Airbourne tends to signal the end of the summer for me and the onset of Autumn and Winter. I only really like Summer, spring is ok but still too cold, I can enjoy one or two days of Autumn colours before I mourn the passing of summer. Winter is just dark and depressing.
It also alerts me to how fast the year passes, it seems like only a few weeks ago that it was the start of the year and I was beginning to feel well again for the first time in so long, sadly that didn't last (cheers work).
Which leads inevitably to the "should be doing" train of thought. If you asked me 10 years ago what I thought I'd be doing age 27 I'd probably have declared that I didn't know, didn't really care but I was sure that it was something cool, that I'd have life figured out. I've learnt that actually the older you get the more questions life raises and the less you actually feel or are in control of the path you walk. I actually had life figured out far better at 17 than I do now.
When I look at what other people I knew from that time are up to now they seem to have it figured out nicely. In my group of friends from college we have 4 marriages, 3 kids (with one due soon to make it 4), one engagement and lots of jobs with career prospects between us (and no none of them apply to me). When did everyone suddenly grow up? And how did they manage to figure everything out?
I certainly don't want to settle down into marriage and babies. For a start there is the strong possibility that I can't actually have kids 'cos having Adenomyosis carries a high miscarriage rate. The other factor is the extra hormones whizzing around would tip my fragile Bipolar balance completely off the charts and endanger me and my baby. Which is why I refuse to take an interest in kids, I can't let myself connect with something that isn't a possibility for me as it would just hurt all the more should I get broody like I used to be. So I politely nod when people at work gush over their grand children or wave photos at me. I gracefully decline to hold babies that visit the office. I'm genuinely happy for my friends with kids or who are soon due but I have to leave it at that for my own sanity.
When I was younger all I wanted was to be married and have kids. If me and Adi could have afforded it when I left college we would have taken the plunge there and then, we were engaged after only 9 months of being together but we were crazy in love. Looking back now it would have been stupid to bring a baby into that situation with his family and my already deteriorating mental health.
I wouldn't say I was burned by the ending of our relationship but I have no desire whatsoever to ever be in a relationship again. People always think it's odd when I tell them this, but I put so much of myself and my love into that relationship for someone who in the end evidently didn't love me like I loved him and always had priorities other than our relationship and supporting me. The thought of having someone that close to me physically again makes me feel sick.
When I say that I've been single for 3 years now people react with an odd expression of pity, even when I tell them that I am much happier on my own I get polite "she can't really mean that" looks. But truth be told I am honestly happier. I have an amazing best friend, Helen who is more like a sister to me who has given me more support and cared for me more in the time that I have known her than my ex did for the nearly 7 years we were together.
I have my friends from school and college who I am overjoyed to have back in my life. I've travelled to America and Europe, had far more interesting experiences and seen some fantastic things. I would never have connected with my crafty side if I was bringing up a kid, let alone be able to go out with my camera on a whim.
I also know that a sparkling, fantastic career isn't on the cards for me (unless of course Planes TV call!). As you know stress tips my mood cycle on it's head and sets off all my anxieties, insomnia (although we can thank that for tonight's, well actually this morning since it's nearly 1am's, blog), self-harm and other friendly habits.
Admittedly I've never been particularly career orientated, I just want a job that isn't too taxing on my fried brain, no weekends, sensible hours with time off for Airshows, holidays and gigs with nice people to work with. Until recently my job was just that, but with everything that's going on it's become a real struggle to force myself to turn up each day.
I shouldn't really be stressing about my lot in life, I'm so so lucky in most of the things I've just mentioned, to have friends, a family, two gorgeous bunnies, a roof over my head. But sometimes you just have to wonder.
Love Jen
XxxxX
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