Well firstly you'll be pleased to know that my meds still seem to be working! I've had a few minor 'blips' and dips in mood and some anxiety episodes but on the whole things have been pretty positive. The only drawback I have noticed is that the tablets seem to have killed my creativity somewhat. I haven't made any jewellery or sewn anything (aside from a birthday present) since before Christmas and to be honest I'm feeling spectacularly uninspired at the moment. I haven't even taken a decent photograph in about 2 weeks! I know it's churlish to complain since the tablets are evidently doing their job and controlling my mood and that some things will be sacrificed "for the good of the cause" I just really wish it hadn't been my creative instincts. My craft books and magazines are gathering dust along with my fabric and jewellery bits. I'm really hoping that inspiration will pop back up again soon as I love the buzz of wearing or showing off something that I've made myself – is good for the ego don'tcha know?
My 'Re-introduction into society' is going well, I've been to see Lydia and Hilary a few times now and I may even brave the pub soon :p It was during a visit to Lydia's this week that we ended up looking on Facebook at people we went to school with. Disappointingly most of the people who used to pick on me are doing really well. A lot of them are working in TV, one is a nutritionist and the other is a teacher (bearing in mind that at school this girl did her best to dumb herself down to 'fit in' this strikes me as nothing short of a miracle!). Worse of all they all, aside from one, still look stunning (the odd one out appears to have turned herself into a plastic Barbie doll, I assume with the same level of intelligence).
I know that I really should have moved on by now seeing as I left school over 10 years ago but despite all the therapy and CBT techniques I just can't let go. It hurts even more seeing that karma evidentially hasn't 'got them', they're attractive and successful whereas I in all honesty am a chubby administrator at the bottom rung of the ladder with a broken mind who needs to be drugged up to the eyeballs just to function on a daily basis. I know I should be challenging my attitude and asking myself why, if they have moved on, can't I? I probably should let go of the idea that karma will punish them for their misdeeds because, sadly, life doesn't work out like that. I know also that it takes more energy to be bitter and resentful but I also hold the belief that they don't deserve my forgiveness – why should they get off scot-free for their actions? I do badly want to move on and forget what's happened but I really don't see how to do it. I can't erase my memories or mute my feelings. I don't even want revenge in a super-villain type manner, sadly I don't think I could compete with Moriaty's excellently plucked eyebrows (sorry to the non-Sherlock fans who will have no idea what I'm on about).
I guess the only way forward is to keep trying to get myself 'back to normal' and tell myself that that is the biggest "F you" to them all.
Love Jen
XxxX
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