Anyway I digress, the main point of today's blog is not to solicit someone to accompany me to a concert but in fact to discuss something that no counselling session or self-help book seems to cover. What happens when you start to feel better? (At this point I must interject that I like to refer to myself as being *in recovery* rather than 'better' so that I don't jinx it.) The obvious Hollywood Movie-script answer is that I go skipping off into the sunset having achieved all my life goals, lost 3 stone, figured out the answer to life the universe and everything, oh and gotten beautifully swishy hair. The reality is not quite as straightfoward.
The thing about feeling less depressed is that I seem to have acquired a whole lot of brain real-estate, whereas before I filled the space with black now it is sadly neglected with a few tumbleweeds blowing through. I find myself having to almost 'fill' it to make sure that anxieties don't sneak in an claim squatters rights! This is a bit easier on days when I'm tired and just want to sleep but on what would have been my more *manic* days, like the last few days in fact, when I need less sleep and am on fast foward with lots of mental energy to spare the brain space is jumping up and down like a 2 year old shouting "look at me". The best thing I can do with these periods is to try and dispel the energy through making things (thank god I broke my no-crafting duck on Saturday night with a pretty headband I made!) or drawing.
 |
| My Pretty Rockabilly Style Headband |
I'm also devouring books and films again at the moment, I've finally read and watched The Shining (awesome!) and am currently reading a book called "Careless People" which is about the 1920s and the writing of the Great Gatsby (fact fans amongst you will know that if I could be anyone it would be a flapper in the 20s and my joint favourite book is Gatsby). I've also just started reading "My Madder, Fatter Diary" by Rae Earl which is the follow-up to "Mad Fat Diary", I am starting to think that it may be based on my life. Rae the main character is music mad, fat, has a wicked sense of humour oh and mental, we even match right down to the Colon Polyps! .... sorry to anyone reading this over dinner .....
The other brain trick that I'm trying to eliminate is my tendency to have a hissy-fit and declare "EVERYTHING IS RUBBISH" to all and sundry when the tiniest thing goes wrong. Back in the bad days I could blame behaviors like that on being depressed/bipolar and whilst it's true that irritability and anger are one of bipolar's key symptoms now that I'm taking the meds I need to combat these negative patterns. An prime example was today when a theatre booking that me and Helen were planning on making fell through. I immediately decided that it was a disaster and that everything about today sucked, despite the fact that I had a real laugh at work today re-enacting the Cadbury's advert (This is actually me with some cleverly placed facial hair) and consuming their products.
So whilst my medication has worked wonders on my mood and helped squash my anxiety I still need to work on the way my brain reacts to and processes things. I need to tell myself that eating pasta bake or sitting in the wrong part of the garden will not lead to bad things happening to my family and friends, that plans not quite working out is not a world-ending disaster. I would also like to point out that it's been 2 months and 23 days (ish) since I last cut myself so Dad you owe me that Chinese!
Love Jen
XxxxX
No comments:
Post a Comment