Attack Of The 50ft Anxiety Monster

Of course the other thing you don't think about when you're "getting better" and been signed off from the Psychologist is what happens when that opportunity to vent and talk to someone is also signed off.

When your anxieties have skyrocketed once again and you just know that something awful is about to happen and no matter how many times you mentally check things or take precautions in your head you have no idea where or from what/whom the threat is coming from. Or when your head is telling you that you've done or said something really bad and you wind people up by questioning them all the time to try and find out what your head has told you you've done and then try and make up for this supposed crime.

I can't spill out that writhing tumble of thoughts to anyone. I can't explain all the thoughts that rush through my head that keep me awake 'till the small hours or wake me up suddenly in a panic in the middle of the night. Or in fact the weird half-asleep hallucinations that I get, giant spiders scuttling across my roof is a favourite one or the random half a chair hanging from my ceiling the other night was quite entertaining, the weirdest thing is that none of these actually frighten me, it's like I know they'll vanish if I roll my eyes at them enough.

I don't want to burden family and friends with that, a mental health professional is different, they're paid to listen to me freak and ramble incoherently. People have waited too long for me to start getting better than for me to start unleashing all my stupid fears on them. How do you explain to someone exactly why Wednesday is a 'scary' day  ‎or that you currently carry around enough mental emergency planning for any and every possible disastrous situation to make COBRA look lazy (actually let's not get into that discussion).

I guess some people are cut out to do the "look at me I'm a noble survivor" thing whereas I guess I just don't have that strength of character, it's been trampled on and is a bit squishy from years of low mood and anxiety attacks.

I'm sure I'll feel better about things after I finally get more than about 3/4 hours sleep of a night time - and you all know how much I love sleeping! So on that note sweet dreams all and cross your fingers that I get to do the same.

Love Jen

XxxxX