My GP has prescribed me Lamotrigine which is a mood stabilizing drug also used to treat symptoms of conditions such as Epilepsy. I assume that the Psychiatrist approving the prescription also gives me the definite diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, I believe that I fall into the Bipolar II category where I have depressive episodes but also "Hypomanic" episodes which http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/bipolar-disorder describes as "Hypomania is a lesser degree of mania with persistent mild elevation of mood and increased activity and energy but without hallucinations or delusions. There is also no significant effect on functional ability."
In a way the diagnosis comes as a relief and explains a hell of a lot of the odd behaviours and reactions that I've had as long as I can remember, for example when I was a kid if I had a really good day out or enjoyable experience by the next day I would be really sad or upset and feel like I was under a cloud of sadness(Symptoms I now recognise as depressive). These experiences became more intense as I went through Secondary School, helped in no end I'm sure by the experiences I had there, but I just thought that it was something that everyone had to deal with and they just covered it like I did. It was only after a chance snippet of a conversation with a friend a year or so ago that I realized that it wasn't normal!
Although I was diagnosed with depression back in 2007 I wasn't unhappy the whole time, there would be moments or even days when I felt on top of the world, I never thought to question these, I just took it as an incredibly welcome reprieve from the mental torment. When my depression finally lifted midway through 2010 I thought that I had beaten it for good and that I was simply unlucky enough to have suffered such a long depressive period. I set about going out and doing all the things that I had been unable to do before due to my depression - going to the pub and clubbing every weekend, lots of gigs, holidays etc.
Unfortunately after a series of events including the death of my Grandfather and splitting up with my fiancee of 6 years by the summer of 2011 I was dealing with growing feelings of anxiety and mini panic attacks that lead me rapidly back down the slippery slope of depression. I was suprised at how quickly it happened this time, before my depression had crept up on me over a number of months, this time it was like my head went 'BANG' and everything went black.
I'd never have considered that I was Bipolar in a million years, I just thought that I had relapsed and had anxiety thrown into the mix as a new and fun experience! It was only in early 2012 when a friend and work colleagues commented on the difference in how I dressed, acted and how my mood appeared on a day to day basis and "had I considered that I may be Bipolar?" that it ever crossed my mind.
A quick internet search of the symptoms was a revelation, I seemed to tick a lot of the symptoms of someone with Bipolar II disorder (thankfully without the full blown mania of Bipolar I sufferers) with rapid-cycling moods (since mine seem to 'flip' at a moment's notice). I went to my GP with a list of my symptoms and he referred me to the Mental Health Team to see a Psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis.
What a disaster! I was in the Psych's consulting room for all of 15 minutes of the allotted 40 minute time (Perhaps I should have realized this may be a rush job since it was nearly lunch time!), he seemed to have made up his mind before I walked in the room that there was no way I could be Bipolar, barely listened to any of my answers. He seemed to be of the opinion that as I'd had no severe childhood trauma I couldn't have any serious mental health problems. I was told that I was "Over anxious", "Didn't fit into society" I was told my depression "wasn't that bad" and pretty much made to feel I was wasting his time.
This was compounded by the letter he sent back to my GP which was full of errors (for example he had described me as "working for the NHS for all her working life" despite me specifically telling him that I had worked for the NHS for just over a year and had worked in a variety of different places prior to this. He told my GP that he thought I had OCD despite this never being mentioned in the appointment, I have a close friend with OCD and my anxiety is nowhere near what she (very bravely) endures. As you may imagine this whole experience did nothing to help me, I was made to feel like a hypochondriac and unworthy of help.
I put the idea of Bipolar out of my mind and tried to struggle on with my depression & anxiety and ignore the days when I was buzzing like my head was going to explode, incredibly irritable, feeling like I was on fast foward, unable to concentrate on tasks and unable to sleep more than a couple of hours a night. Blaming it, like the Psychiatrist did, on my anxiety.
It was only in my recent session with the Psychologist when I discussed these that I was encouraged to keep mood charts which I could show to my new GP and for him to then get me the medication I need.
When the possibility of me being Bipolar re-emerged in as a far more convincing possibility than before I was incredibly angry with the Psychiatrist I saw in April 2012. Had his dismissiveness cost me a year where I could have been getting treatment and learning to cope with the condition? Instead of trying to blame all of my problems on anxiety should he have looked at the bigger picture and listened when I tried to tell him about my ups and downs rather than changing the subject back to my anxiety?
A couple of weeks ago I bought an excellent book on the subject of Bipolar Bipolar Disorder - The Ultimate Guide in which it explains that anxiety is actually a large part of Bipolar (hardly suprising when your mood literally cannot decide if it is up or down, left or right, in or out). I highly recommend the book whether you have Bipolar, have a friend or family member with Bipolar or are just interested. It's authors Sarah Owen & Amanda Saunders both have close family members with the condition and the book is honest, insightful and everything is simply explained. It includes contributions from those with the condition and their friends and families giving you a 360 degree view of life with Bipolar.
As for me, assuming that I am now "Officially Bipolar" it's given me a lot to think about. Whilst I feel ecstatic that someone has finally 'believed' me I also know that Bipolar is pretty much for life. I may well need to be on mood stabilizers of some kind forever. I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for the next depressive moment or episode. I will always have the worry in the back of my head about what mood I'll be in on important days or events. But I know that I have an amazing support network of family, Helen (who let's face it is more like my sister than a friend), friends and work colleagues who care about me, I know that whatever the future holds I won't be alone.
Love Jen
XxxxxxX
Ps To lift the tone a little from all the heaviness here's a couple of photos of a beautiful Red Admiral that was in my garden earlier -
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