Another lack of surprise is that the rubbish Psychiatrist who told me almost a year ago now that I would be put on DBT despite it actually not being offered in our area. He also assured me that I would "grow out" of my symptoms and when I queried it I was told "I am the expert" 💁🏻♀️. So after 10 months of chasing after I'd been dropped off like a stone by the local mental health services I was told that they don't offer DBT in the East Sussex area and that I wouldn't be eligible for it since I wasn't able to complete the Anxiety Management course they ran (put it this way I cut myself in the interval).
So apparently I'm on the list to do a STEPPS course which sounds faintly horrific, telling a group of strangers about your problems for 22 weeks and doing 'homework' of detailing where I've gone wrong and then dragging family into it too. No thank you.
At the moment I'm back to hiding in my room, not wanting to see anyone, even doing the weekly online quiz that I loved is too much for me. I have to avoid going to the end of the garden when the kids are heading to and from school as its just too triggering for me.
My brain makes me think that everyone is always cross with me whether it's walking too slowly, being disorganised, sleeping too much etc etc or that they don't give a shit and I'm cluttering up their lives and re-inforces my need to stay away from everyone. I used to enjoy taking Eos to agility but now I get so stressed as I feel like I'm being scrutinised and keep messing up. I've missed 4 gigs now not due to Covid but because my brain can't cope with leaving the house.
I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I can feel everything building up with no release.
Love Jen
XxxX
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