For this blog I want to specifically write about having a mental health problem in the workplace.
Often when people think about someone with a mental health problem they assume that it prevents them from working or leaving the house. Whilst there are incredibly unfortunate people for whom this is a case there are a lot of us who work whether it’s paid or voluntary.
I’ve written previously about the problems my mental illnesses have caused in my job/s so I won’t bore you by rehashing it and describing the discrimination I suffered. I instead want to try and describe a day in the workplace life of working with a mental illness.
As is tradition I start the day by snoozing my alarm for up to an hour (it’s not that I have anything against 30STM’s ‘Walk On Water’ I just don’t want to wake up), initially my mood will be determined by any dreams I’ve had. At the moment I’m having a lot of dreams where I become very distressed and actually wake up crying or a myriad of anxiety dreams (the normal school, work, snakes etc) which will immediately put me into a low or anxious mood. Next is a trip down to the garden to feed and clean out Esme, this always causes some anxiety after losing Stelly last year – will Esme still be alive? Will she be ill?. I’m usually bumped back down to reality by her food bowl being lobbed at me …..
Sometimes I find that a shower (being very careful to avoid the bathroom mirror – I don’t need to feel nauseous by my appearance that early in the morning) and a cup of tea make me feel more human, if I am really struggling I tend to lie back down for 10 minutes just to try and settle my head. On a bad day the thought of evening leaving the room to go downstairs to leave makes me feel terrified and close to tears but the thought of having no job is almost as bad so I have to force myself to put a foot in front of the other.
Like most people work can be a roller-coaster. It’s made more difficult because even the tiniest bit of stress will send my anxiety rocketing and panic sets in convincing me that I can’t do the job, any mistakes that I’ve made (no matter how nicely they’re pointed out) send me spiralling into paranoid thoughts that I’ll lose my job and have to re-mortgage Esme’s hutch to afford her food and my gig habit! A lot of that stems from previous jobs where any mistake I made was scrutinised and I was made to feel like I was single-handedly bringing the NHS or Veritek company down (perhaps this is a special talent?).
Another minefield is interpersonal relationships, any employee is expected to be professional and polite to everyone they encounter (unless they’re a consultant obviously). This is a bit of a challenge for me, particularly where my BPD is concerned, on a day where the depressive side rules the last thing I want to do is chat, grit my teeth whilst talking to rude callers or be helpful to people coming to the office with stupid questions. I really have to check myself to make sure I don’t snap/shout/burst into tears or hide under the desk. This in itself feeds my anxiety meaning that a lot of the time I’m also struggling with a tight chest and squirming stomach. Sometimes a depressive fog descends that I can barely see through, much less work through, this is when I’m in danger of making the aforementioned mistakes. Sometimes I’m slow at understanding what I need to do (thanks meds!) and work at a snail’s pace and other days I’m more manic and scatty as hell picking up random tasks & half doing them when the next distraction appears.
I work 4 days a week and people often comment on “how lucky” I am to have Wednesdays off, the reality is that these days are spent asleep for their entirety. This sounds lazy and probably is but the effort of working with my mental illnesses is such that I am completely wiped. The best thing I can compare it to is a marathon in the blistering sunshine – not only are you mentally wiped but you can barely drag yourself along, that’s the level of exhaustion I have to deal with on a daily basis.
I’m really lucky that for the most part I work with really understanding people who know to let me be if I’m quiet and keep me topped up with tea but who are great listeners when I do need to talk. They make me smile and cheer me up on bad days and make me feel like it was worthwhile coming into work and that’s all I can ask for.
Love JenX
xxX
No comments:
Post a Comment