O is for OCD

Welcome to the next blog in the alphabet in which I shall guide you through the weird and (not so) wonderful world of my OCD.

When you say OCD to someone they immediately think of neat-freaks or germaphobes and have a little chuckle (thank you Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners) but there is so much more to it than that (my family and friends will happily confirm my messiness to you).

OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is essentially an anxiety disorders characterised by obsessive or intrusive thoughts, some people also have compulsions that they have to act on (E. G an OCD about security could result in someone getting out of bed multiple times to check the locks even though they know full well that they're latched because they have to). People can have an Obsession about anything at all and often find them deeply shameful.

I'm not exactly sure when the OCD element of my illness started. It bubbled around under my anxiety radar from about 2011 when I was under a lot of stress and grew in the background from there. I'm always very keen to stress the difference between anxiety and OCD, to me they are entirely separate, my anxiety (see Monday's blog) is about fear and physical symptoms whereas my OCD is more deep-seated and life-ruling.

Everyone with OCD has different fears and quirks. To me the intrusive thoughts are the worst part. I develop obsessive fears around certain things (I went through a time convinced that if I sat in a certain spot in the garden something bad would happen, likewise if I ate pasta bake there really is no rhyme or reason) or sudden horrific images will enter my mind. Some examples of my obsessive fears are a plane crashing at an airshow and it being my fault because I binge-watch Aircrash Investigation (the crash at Shoreham Airshow back in 2015 had an awful effect on me at the time), having to read through hundreds of social media posts to check that no bands/artists I like are splitting or retiring or have done something awful (without wanting to jinx it I have managed to cut down on this a lot in the last year or so) because obviously Twitter would know before they do!

My worst thoughts and scenarios however are around Esme (and of course Estelle when she was still alive). I have horrible images that suddenly appear that some awful accident has befallen her, or that I have managed to lock her in the oven/microwave/washing machine, have shut her ears in the top flap of the hutch or the absolute worst of all that I will deliberately hurt her. When these thoughts appear I can't dismiss them like one would do, they spin and spin and spin around my head jabbing my brain and making me live them in more and more graphic detail. I end up nauseous and terrified and angry with myself for allowing these thoughts to appear in the first place.

It's no wonder that I have trouble concentrating at times or that my mind may wander, my being rude and checking my phone is often triple-checking that I don't have any messages or notifications confirming that one of my many fears have come true.

Some people find that some therapies help them cope with their OCD, unfortunately for me (as I mentioned in my BPD blog) the rest of my conditions try and 'outsmart' things such as CBT and work their way around it.

I try to cope with the OCD as best I can, I do find it comes and goes, I can go a month or so without what I'd refer to as an attack and then have a whole lot in a row. There is no rhyme or reason to it and it really can be quite life-limiting.

So next time someone jokes that they're "so OCD about tidiness" then kindly point out that OCD really is no joke.

Love Jen
XxxxX