The last week or so has seen my OCD spin almost completely out of control. The trigger has been the awful plane crash at Shoreham a week ago. One of my OCD fixations is that a plane crash will be caused at an airshow that I attend or the plane that's due to be at the show will crash in the days leading up to it because I like watching the Aircrash Investigation programme on Sky. Unfortunately this was exactly the case when the Hunter jet crashed the day before I was supposed to go to the airshow.
The result of this is that all my bunny, music, food, friends, family and garden spot OCDs have pointed out that since the plane one came true they are bound to as well. It's constantly nagging at my brain, the only relief I have is when I'm asleep (apart from when they pop up as nightmares) or when I'm semi-inebriated like I was on Saturday night. Problem is that I can't spend the entire time asleep nor do I intend for drinking to become any kind of crutch (especially as it can increase my anxiety the next day depending on what I've drunk). The last week my OCD has almost grown physical, I get breathless, woozy headed, my stomach drops and twists, my heart pounds and my chest hurts - I guess these are panic attacks.
I'm trying to find coping techniques, I'm out of my Twitter & Facebook at the moment (you're getting this link via my Tumblr account as I don't know how to use the search function on it - totally not down with the kids!) as a lot of my timeline is taken up by the Shoreham tragedy and the 'compulsion' part of my disorder makes me use them as tools to 'check' up on some of my other OCDs. A normal person would just say 'well I won't look' whereas someone with OCD will have to look to re-assure themselves or almost search for their worst fears (cancellation of all future airshows, Mars splitting up, friends being ill, life expectancy of nearly 7 year old rabbits). I guess it's similar to someone with the cleaning or germ-phobic OCDs swabbing or searching for dust & grime around the house. In a nutshell it takes everything that I enjoy, take pleasure from or rely on and uses it against me and sucks the joy out of them.
I don't know if anyone caught Horizon's programme last Wednesday - OCD:Monsters Inside My Mind but it was the most accurate description of OCD I've ever seen in any documentary. It also explored other type of OCDs rather than the classic 'tidying' or 'cleaning' types, there was a lady who was practically barricaded in her own home through fears about how she looked and whether she was hygenic, a lady who was convinced that deadly diseases were inhabiting her body, amongst others.
It also admitted, unlike many other programmes and books on the subject, that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) does not work for everyone. CBT is the flavour of the last few years in the treatment of depression, anxiety, OCD and Bipolar - just the wide variety of very different conditions there shows it's being used as a quick "one size fits all" treatment. I've tried so many courses of CBT over the years, it either doesn't work at all or works for a few days before my thought spirals flatten it. The problem is that a lot of therapists are unable to offer anything other than CBT and pretty much tell you that they can't help if you don't take to CBT.
The other problem is that the OCD sets off my Borderline mood fluctuations and makes my behaviour more erratic, it also affects my anxiety (which is seperate to the OCD) as on 'good' non-OCD or low days it anticipates an OCD flip-out happening soon and then worries about that which obviously increases the chance of an OCD attack a thousand-fold. The use of the attack terminology is pretty accurate actually, as it strikes you from behind when you least expect it, and stabs into your mind and once it's overcome your defences it sticks it's claws into your brain and won't let go.
It suprises me actually that my OCD wasn't worse last year when I had all the work stress, but then I thought that actually that was using up all my excess anxiety hence the very few OCD incidents. At this moment in time I actually don't have many worries at all which is why I think my OCD is flaring so much as I don't have anything to genuinely worry about - not that I'm asking for anything either!!
*** Note if you are squeamish, male or don't want to know about my insides then please skip the next two paragraphs (I'll let you know when it's safe again)***
Another factor is that I've recently had a coil fitted to try and help my heavy, painful periods (I have a type of endometriosis) and whilst they were 'down there' they performed a histrocopy where they pulled out a fibroid. I've since had bleeding (to be expected) and a period that's lasted 2 and a half weeks (and counting) which although it's not heavy still cramps and is generally annoying. When I saw the consultant back in June I stressed to him that going on the pill (the first course of action) wasn't an option as when I started it at 18 I think that's what contributed to sending me loopy initially. So I asked the consultant 3 or 4 times whether the hormones from the coil would have a similar effect and he assured me that it wouldn't.
So I had it put in and was given an information leaftlet when I was discharged all about the coil and it's functions. It listed an increase in anxiety and depression as one of the most common side effects! I figured I'd wait and see what happened as it was just as likely to have no side-effects at all, or so I hoped. Basically the super OCD attacks that I have at ovulation and the days leading up to my period, which I guess are tied to those hormones, are now constant. So aside from slapping the consultant for not giving me the in-depth leaftlet beforehand, I now need to find someone who'll yank the damn thing out as soon as possible before it causes any more damage!
**** It's now safe to continue reading oh squeamish ones***
I guess what this is all turning into is a fear of fear itself which only feeds more anxiety, obviously leading to the dark side which will turn me into some kind of Sith lord! If anyone knows of a good lightsabre manufacturer then please let me know and I will give you a high-up position when I've taken over the Empire, rather than wookie grooming or something ....
Love Jen
XxxX
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