Clackity Clack

I'm feeling the urge to type today, no idea why, I guess I like clicking away at the keyboard, it makes me feel productive and important. I don't even have a particular subject or aim for this blog, I just want to clack away. I guess I'll try the whole stream of consciousness and see where it takes us.

 

So today, today, today well right now I feel weirdly detached from everything around me. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad just detached. This morning I woke up fairly calm for once, normally I wake up v anxious and low. No complaints there! It certainly makes removing oneself from bed a far easier process.

 

Clack clack

 

I'm damn exhausted at the moment, I guess the constant periods, huge OCD and panic attacks of the last few weeks and organising and crafting for Helen's birthday have completely drained me out. My default state is always tired (I worked out that because I wake easily, remember my dreams and can occasionally dictate what happens in them that I'm never actually going into any kind of deep sleep - which probably explains why I came round amazingly refreshed from my anaesthetic) but wow am I exhausted at the moment. On the tiredness scale I normally hover at about a 6/7 but right now I'm a 9. No matter how many naps I take or early nights I have (I'm even sleeping well for me at the moment - only waking up 2/3 times during the night) it doesn't help.

 

I mostly blame OCD for my exhausted state (currently it's my fave thing to blame stuff on - aside from the French or seagulls obviously). It went absolutely sky high the last month or so, the constant terror and pounding heart were exhausting. I think it was mostly triggered by the Shoreham disaster, as regular readers will know one of my OCDs is that I will cause a plane crash at an airshow because I like watching air crash documentaries, I was due to go the following day. The events basically fulfilled that OCD prophecy which obviously meant that my other fixations were entirely possibly and most likely due to happen in the next few days.

 

So the bunnies were constantly harassed to ensure that they weren't dying, twitter was checked for evidence of various beliefs (although I have found a way to lessen my ability to do that by uninstalling my app and just using the website through my phone - which is bloody useless at looking stuff up - even useful "what's happening in the local area?" news). Although now my OCD has retaliated by telling my that I'll miss something important because I can't look up properly, I seriously can't win! Nerves weren't helped when Esme started sneezing last week- although we now think it's because she's turned into the moultiest, tuftiest rabbit in the world and her fur is getting up her nose (I know I keep inhaling it!).

 

Today as well as feeling detached I have what I like to refer to as 'itchy head' where my brain feels angry and unstimulated (not sure exactly what it wants to be stimulated by but whatevs) and my anxiety snakes around looking for a focus. I hate this state because it normally means that once my anxiety has latched a panic or OCD (or both) attack is bound to follow. I sometimes wonder if my brain is 'missing' having the stress of my Performance Management debacle from last year - it kept it occupied and something to focus it's anxiety on.

 

Clackity clack

 

Well I'm managing to keep a nice steady clack rhythm at least. It's this kind of state where I feel that I want to do something spontaneous and crazy, like I have energy exploding from my brain that needs to be fulfilled. I want to dance, not through happiness although as I said earlier my mood is pretty stable today, to bounce off the walls, to scream and shout and spin around.

 

I guess there's not much more I can add to my clack clack dance, unless I perhaps purchase some tap shoes (Irregular Choice must surely do a suitable pretty pair!) in order to clip clop along!

 

Yours clackily

 

Jen

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