The handsome fella at the top of the page is Cromwell (aka Crommie or the walking teddy bear as I prefer to call him). He's a Bichon Friese belonging to Ruth a friend of my Mum's and I've been walking him a few days a week whilst she recovers from surgery.
He's absolutely adorable and so well behaved, we like to walk up to the river near me and watch the ducks. According to Ruth he's very particular about who walks him and will often refuse to go out with anyone other than Ruth. For some reason he's really taken to me and is happy to tour Langney playing "Sniff the lamposts" bingo.
Walking him is getting me out of the house too and frankly it's nice to still have something that I'm 'good' at so to speak. Especially after last week's letter from work helpfully detailing all the reasons why I'm on Performance Management and why I'm crap.
I had a follow up appointment with Occ Health on Wednesday and told the Dr there that whilst I try to avoid grandiose, dramatic statements I was hanging onto my sanity by a thin thread and that at this moment me going back to work would tip me right over the edge.
I have an appointment with the Community Mental Health Team on 30th December (my rant about the waiting time is another moan for another blog) to assess me and the meds that I'm on. I really, really hope that this appointment is more successful than my one two years ago where I was made to feel like a fraud and my symptoms belittled.
The Occ Health Dr has said that I won't be ready to return to work until after this appointment. Interestingly he also mentioned that the consultant that I see may be able to assess my cognitive function and try and identify any weaknesses I have that will affect my work.
Whilst I think it's a good idea it's also kind of scary, what if the result tells me that I'm not cut out for my job? It'll just be further ammunition for work to use against me. I'm already going to be under fire for being off for some long.
I'll admit it's a relief knowing that I have nearly 2 months worth of breathing space before I go back to work. But in some ways it makes me feel even more of a failure, my brain can't handle stress of any kind and just shatters completely. I also feel almost fraudulent when í'm physically well, almost like I'm skiving and my illness isn't real.
At the moment all I can do is wait for this low to lift and hope that one of my 'highs' comes along quickly to give me some relief. I know that with them comes increased anxiety and insomnia but I also get the super fun buzz which would be pretty welcome at the moment.
Love Jen
XxxX
No comments:
Post a Comment