This morning me and Dad had a walk in the sunshine around Pevensey Castle snapping photos of the Autumn colours and I took a photo of a spider that's at the top of this page, I like how the sunshine is glinting on the web.
I was also a Lady Wot Lunches with Lydia, indulging in a final 'Rocky Horror' sundae before she leaves for Nottingham to do her PHD. Post-lunch we went to visit Alli, her new baby Michael and of course Harvey the spaniel!
Whilst it was lovely to see Alli's new addition to the family and how happy she was, in my normal self-centred manner it just made me even sadder than I am already.
Sitting feeding the tiny human being that's grown inside you and looking so happy is never going to be me. I'll never hold my child to me and whisper sweet nothings and kiss their teeny nose. I won't get to do first days at nursery, school or college.
Even if my Adenomyosis allowed me to carry a baby without miscarriage I couldn't consider allowing a child to grow up around me with my crazy, unpredictable moods and all the anger I carry around with me. Can you imagine growing up with a mother who can't be relied on to even look after herself let alone you?
And that's before the consideration that I may pass on my broken brain and with the hell I'm going through at the moment, I wouldn't even pass that onto my worst enemy.
My mental illness is ruling out so many possibilities for me. No kids, no career prospects, heaven knows if I'll ever cope living out of home. It seeps into every aspect of my life and beyond just my life, it's affecting everyone around me. I feel so guilty that I'm making life difficult for them.
Here's hoping cross-stitch has therapeutic properties.
Love Jen
XxxxX
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