If you'd asked me earlier this year, I would have told you that after starting the correct tablets my life felt a hundred times better. I was feeling happy and settled for the first time in years, positive about where I was and who I was. I'd lost some of the weight that I'd put on from being on the anti-depressants, I'd reconnected with old friends, life was good.
Unfortunately that all seems like an oasis in the desert now (and yes I did have to double check that I'd written desert rather than dessert, as that would have put an entirely different spin on the blog!). Right now the best way I can describe how my brain feels is splintered. I have random bits and bobs working on different tangents and at different speeds and none of it coming together to make any sense.
The creative, ideas splinters are still racing off all over the place, whereas what I'd regard as the important, useful splinters, those that take in and process information, remember useful stuff and assist with logical thought have been left behind stuck in cotton wool. It's like half my brain has shot off at Star Wars style light speed whereas the other is lumbering along at 1 mile an hour whilst going uphill through a thick, muddy incline.
This whole split in half brain is a new thing for me. I'm guessing it's as a result of all the pressure and stress of what's going on at work. I've been off sick for the past week and a half and go back tomorrow. I already feel physically sick at the thought. It'll be like going straight back into a war zone whilst still suffering severe shellshock.
I guess the thing that's been lost under all the Performance Management regulations and paperwork is that there is a person at the sharp end who is losing her grip on her mental balance alarmingly rapidly.
Love JenXxxX
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