The Fault In My Stars

I go back to work a week today and naturally the anxiety is already building. I had my first full on panic attack a couple of days ago for the first time in years. I couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to faint and I was shaking. I assume it was triggered by the phone call earlier that day confirming my Occupational Health appointment on Wednesday next week. 

I know I have to go back to work some time but am I ready? God no. Will I ever be ready though? The last few weeks have given me some sanctuary from the immediate stress of the situation but the faults in my head still remain. 

I know the simple answer would be to leave and get another job but unfortunately my faulty head will still follow. The whole situation has put all the mental progress I've made back, I feel worse than I have in years. I now crumble under the tiniest amount of stress, I get anxious about leaving the house and am finding social situations difficult once again. 

Aside from the present mess that I'm in I also have to worry about what the hell my future holds. Can I ever have a well-earning job that will provide me with enough income to live a life of independence? Even if I can live independently would I even be able to cope? Living at home keeps me secure, there are people around to make sure I'm functioning.

 I know I shouldn't rely on other people to care for me but that's frankly what I need and what has kept me going to be able to have a job and undertake the activities that keep me relatively sane. ‎I guess I'm almost like a child or teenager, so long as the important decisions are made for me I can live, what to outsiders appears to be, a relatively normal life. 

Obviously moving in with Helen or some other kind of house share may one day be an option but taking on me as a house-mate would also mean taking on my days when all I want to do is hide in my room and not speak to anyone. Or the days when I'm far too over-excited, can't sleep and want to do everything at a million miles an hour? 

Where does that leave me with employment prospects if my work decide that I'm dispensable? How can I go to job interviews knowing that any potential employer runs the risk of me falling apart again, would you take that person on? All the disability equality laws in the world don't change the fact that I am essentially an unreliable employee and person. 

I guess the thing that makes me saddest is comparing how I feel now to my blogs at the start of the year, I was feeling positive about the future, I thought I had my ups and downs under some control. I knew that I would never 'recover' but I had read so many accounts of people who were on the right medication and had made changes and were living full lives. I guess the small shoots of hope that I'd allowed to grow, against my better judgement, have been viciously cut down by the dual monsters that live in my head. 

I'm scared about returning to work next week, not because I'm scared of the people or even the situations going on there, but because the thin strands of sanity and functioning that I still have hold of are in real danger of being severed. 

Love Jen

XxxX