It never rains.....

Well they say it never rains but pours, apparently I'm ticking off the proverbs as they go.

 

Following on from last week's bloghttp://www.stitchesbeadsrocknroll.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/let-down-by-my-broken-brain-again.html things have gone from bad to worse. The work issue is now a formal performance management procedure. Apparently the aim is to work out how I can improve but aside from cutting out the faulty part of my brain I don't know what else I can do. Unless of course we sharpen a few pencils and try performing a lobotomy on the desk, I'm open to ideas!

 

After Monday's meeting I pretty much had a mini breakdown, I'm not trying to scaremonger, attention seek or dramatise the situation. Let's just saw the result of said breakdown was 6 months worth of hard work not to self-harm was well undone. Which of course now rules out trying out Luke & Barry's new Jacuzzi hot tub and the wearing of sleeveless tops for the time being.

 

The problem is that I'm not one of these people who can come in and tell their family all about their day, cry and be done with it. Crying in front of other people is one of the things I hate most in the world, the nearest I get to expressing that kind of deep emotion to others is sobbing at the bunnies on occasion (cue glares and the giving of the furry butts). So for me the only way I could release the pressure that was building up in my head on Monday afternoon was to grab a blade and just get on with it. It was that or listen to the voice egging me on to swallow the entire packet of my anti-anxiety pills and I refuse to put anyone through that situation. So a bit of a bleed was definitely the lesser of two evils! It wasn't like I wanted to die, I just wanted to black out and check out of my head and body and everything going on inside.

 

Since Monday I haven't felt the need to cut luckily, I've actually just been incredibly numb with the occasional freak-out and misery moment drifting through. It's almost like my brain literally exploded on Monday and I'm still having the occasional aftershock. It's a bit like my head has been opened up and my brain scooped out. Which is ironic as now I'm having even more trouble concentrating when I'm suddenly threatened with a crying fit out of nowhere. Thank god for my lip-biting abilities! On the plus side this situation and other things I have going on have killed my appetite which is making my new salad diet a lot easier to stomach. I'm not craving sweets and cake post-lunch after I've forced the leaves down.

 

I honestly don't know where to go from here L

 

Love Jen

XxxX