Err so now what?

I recently finished my course of free counselling at Brightview in Eastbourne, unfortunately due to huge demand (as they say in Top Gun “the list is long and distinguished”) they can only offer 8 sessions per person as Brightview is a charity and receives no NHS funds. I’ve also recently discharged myself from my Psychiatrist as all he seemed to be able to tell me was keep taking the meds and lose some weight because apparently the lighter you are, the happier you are (what a great message to be sending out!), the plan was to discharge me at my next appointment anyway so I felt the appointment could have been given to someone in genuine need of urgent help.

When I first saw him I was really impressed, he spent ages listening to my symptoms before giving me a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder with OCD. But in the later sessions he hadn’t been as interested, telling me to drink coffee and try not to fall asleep when I complained of my exhaustion (despite the fact that coffee ramps up my anxiety and leaves me headachey and nauseous) and ignored my accounts of the hallucinations I experience at night that disturb my sleep.

The counselling helped to uncover some things that I’d forgotten, or subdued that may have all been small triggers for the state I’m in today or for other problems that I have. For example being groped intimately by one of my classmates in the first couple of weeks of secondary school has probably contributed to my fear of intimacy with people (hence 6 years of singledom!); actually I just realised that today is the 6^th anniversary of me and Adi breaking up – there’s an irony! Losing Nat and blaming myself for not keeping a closer eye on her has led to my constant anxiety about bad things happening to friends and family members. So now that the counselling and psychiatrist input has finished I am once again adrift.

Because Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is quite a difficult condition (well done me for being awkward) to live with and treat it means that treatment options are few and far between. The counselling I was having at Brightview was what’s known as ‘Person Centred Counselling” which basically means letting me rant and rave with the counsellor asking questions to help identify underlying themes and events that might have caused you to feel the way you do.

The recommended treatment for BPD is what’s known as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the NHS Choices website has this to say 

–Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT)

Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy specifically designed to treat people with BPD.

DBT is based on the idea that two important factors contribute towards BPD:

you are particularly emotionally vulnerable – for example, low levels of stress make you feel extremely anxious

you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed by those around you – for example, a parent may have told you that you had no right to feel sad or you were just "being silly" if you complained of feelings of anxiety or stress

These two factors may cause you to fall into a vicious cycle – you experience intense and upsetting emotions, yet feel guilty and worthless for having these emotions. Because of your upbringing, you think having these emotions makes you a bad person. These thoughts then lead to further upsetting emotions. 

The goal of DBT is to break this cycle by introducing two important concepts:

validation: accepting your emotions are valid, real and acceptable

dialectics: a school of philosophy that says most things in life are rarely "black or white" and that it's important to be open to ideas and opinions that contradict your own

The DBT therapist will use both concepts to try to bring about positive changes in your behaviour.

For example, the therapist could accept (validate) that feelings of intense sadness cause you toself-harm, and that behaving in such a way does not make you a terrible and worthless person.

However, the therapist would then attempt to challenge the assumption that self-harming is the only way to cope with feelings of sadness.

The ultimate goal of DBT is to help you "break free" of seeing the world, your relationships and your life in a very narrow, rigid way that leads you to engage in harmful and self-destructive behaviour.

DBT usually involves weekly individual and group sessions, and you'll be given an out-of-hours contact number to call if your symptoms get worse.

DBT is based on teamwork. You'll be expected to work with your therapist and the other people in your group sessions. In turn, the therapists work together as a team.

DBT has proved particularly effective in treating women with BPD who have a history of self-harming and suicidal behaviour. It's been recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) as the first treatment for these women to try.

Accessing DBT is another challenge altogether. DBT is a very specific treatment so practitioners under the NHS are very few and far between. The only real place to find it is through private therapists and unfortunately I don’t think the rabbits would appreciate having their hutch remortgaged! A quick search for general counselling and therapy in the Eastbourne area throws up a massive blank. All the therapists that we have are private and charge £40 for 50 minutes! There is a free counselling service in Hastings but again that only offers 5 sessions, I believe I need ongoing support as it’s day to day things that cause me problems rather than just things in my past.

Case in point being a nasty incident with Estelle on Sunday where she jumped out of my arms as I was putting her in the hutch and hurt her leg, screaming in pain (the most awful sound I have ever heard). I had a full on meltdown which I’m still suffering with 3 days later. Thankfully Stelly only seems to have bruised herself and is starting to move around again, my only real concern now is her dirty bottom from where she has had an upset stomach and been peeing where she sits (a stress reaction I’m guessing).

So at the moment treatment-wise I’ve pretty much been cast adrift to fend for myself with my ups and downs, crazy ideas and brain flips. Here’s hoping that by some miracle the NHS suddenly decides to fund some help in the local area and I can get on the list.

Love Jen

XxxX

Ps Only I could shoehorn in a Top Gun quote to a blog about my mental health!

The Art Of Winning

Today I’ve been thinking about winning, I’m not quite sure why it’s popped into my head (fear not I am not having a crazed Charlie Sheen “winning” moment, I have no Tiger Blood on me officer!) but I’ve been thinking about what winning means to different people.

The obvious first answer to that is the winning of a prize be it in something you’ve worked hard to excel in such as a sport or an award that others have nominated you in to recognise the quality of your work. Another one would be winning something through luck such as the lottery, or the time I won Southern FM Party In The Park Pit Passes *nostalgic tear* . Wins can be life changing in so many different ways,  they could mean that you’re top of your profession or that you’ll never have to worry about finance ever again and can go on that holiday you’ve always dreamt of.

I think everyday life is full of small opportunities to win, I don’t mean spending a spare £1 on a scratch card on the way home from work because your day can’t get any worse (guilty!) but small achievements that can be made every day. After my blog earlier this week confessing to the tough time I’m having at the moment I had so much support coming my way from texts to tweets to Facebook messages. It reminded me how many people I have around me, like a team, and what do teams do? Why they work together to win!

It made me think about the day to day wins that people have, my friend Kay considered every day that she still walked this earth as a win because it meant that she was kicking her cancer’s arse (and boy did she kick it’s arse hard and repeatedly, I will write a blog about her, full of silly stories and lovely photos when I’m ready), someone giving up smoking or alcohol wins every time they don’t have that cigarette or drink, people have won every time they feel the love of their family or friends. I win every time I drag myself into work on one of my really bad days. I win when I chat to my friends. I win when I’m sat in the sunshine watching the girls play on the grass ( a particular achievement is when they look at me without glaring or wearing looks of utter disapproval!), I win when I look forward to things I have coming up; RIAT, The Killers, Lady GaGa, Airbourne (a tour would also be nice 30STM *cough*) and at a most basic level I win when I don’t give in to self-harm or worse.

Life isn’t always about the ‘big wins’ it’s about the little, every day wins that I often overlook when my illness tries to take over. Luckily for me I have a dream team of friends and family around the world to help me fight on.

Be scared brain demons, be very fucking scared.

Love JenX

XxxX

 

F is for Failure

Last night I realised that it’s a mere 2 months, 61 days,  1464 hours, 87840 minutes (you get the idea) until I turn 30. And no as you may have guessed I’m not coping, not one bit. The thought of reaching the milestone just reminds me of what a waste I’ve made of my life so far and how little, if anything, I’ve achieved. Basically my life at the moment involves, sleeping, eating, sleeping, eating with occasional trips to the bunny hutch and dragging myself to work when I can sum up the energy to leave my bed. Instead of my previous ‘highs’ when I was on less meds I now go between rock bottom and less rock bottom, never any better than that. What is there to celebrate in that?

 

Last summer I wrote a blog “Time for a re-boot” of my manifesto for how I was going to improve everything in the year I had until the big 3-0. Have I achieved any of these? What do you think? To refresh our memories my goals were thus –

Diet - I eat like crap, I really do, there's no hiding it. I'd lost weight last year but have put 6 kilos of it back on since the start of this year comfort eating because I've been so damn miserable. Although this goal isn't about aesthetics, if I lose weight then great, this is about looking after my body. Ditto with exercising, when I worked at the library I was walking around all day every day whereas now I'm on my butt all day every day. And being brutally honest it makes me feel sluggish and quite gross really. So I intend to try walking home from work and (with Helen's er encouragement) get off my arse and do something at least one day of each weekend. 

Learn a new craft. I love my photography, jewellery making, drawing, sewing and cross-stitching - surely adding another one on top of that can only make me happier?

Go to the places I keep threatening to go. If I had a £ for every time I said "I really want to go to The British Library/National Portrait Gallery/Tate Britain etc" I'd be able to afford that trip to America! Plus for the most part they're free, all it'll cost is a train fare and my time. 

So beginning with the obvious one of diet that’s completely gone to pot. I’ve fallen off the wagon, dragged it down the ravine with me and ended up in a blazing heap at the bottom. Let’s just say I’ve managed a whole new world of fat. Comfort eating is my life at the moment, in a way I guess knowing how unhealthy it is is some kind of nice-tasting self-harm/slow suicide. When I last saw the psychiatrist he pretty much said that being less fat and lazy would help all my problems, I didn’t like to point out that eating is my alternative to cutting myself, far less messy and scar-prone. And how the hell am I supposed to get the energy up to go on some kind of route march when all I do in my spare time is sleep because I need it? I ache all the time which I assume is through lack of movement, and yes I feel disgusting and spend plenty of time fat-shaming myself to save trolls/the media time. If it helps at all I don’t go to the psychiatrist any more so I’m a teeny bit less of a drain on NHS resources!  I saw a programme the other day featuring a lady with Borderline Personality Disorder and she complained of the same all-consuming exhaustion making her unable to get up and move, it’s a symptom of the condition that the exercise-Nazis tend to overlook. So I have in fact managed to get even fatter since last summer, maybe that can be listed as some form of achievement?

 

Learning a new craft hasn’t really taken off, more because I’ve been busy with projects from crafts I already know, so I can’t really call this one a failure as I’ve been being kept out of mischief with cross-stitching and invite-making for my party (more of that later).

 

Days out etc, that hasn’t really happened. I miss going to London so badly, I still haven’t made it to the portrait gallery or the library. Helen and I were supposed to go last week but then the Westminster attacks happened and Helen didn’t want to go (personally I would rather stand up to bullies but it’s understandable), funnily enough it proved my point that whenever I look forward to something it never happens. I’d been excitedly planning the trip for weeks. I know it’s pretty selfish to blame a terror attack on my bad luck with planned fun times but still, it does add up. I’ve been lucky enough to go to a few gigs (Deap Vally, Green Day and The Kaiser Chiefs, I had Pretty Reckless tickets too but then my laparoscopy happened and I couldn’t go – oh look more planned fun cancelled!) so I can count them as leaving the house at least! At least we’ve had a summer-full of crap on YouTube XD

 

So no as you may have guessed I’m not in a good place and in the words of My Chemical Romance “I’m not ok”. I feel like I’ve failed at life quite frankly, a waste of a human shell. This shell could have been given to someone who would do some good in the world, be an achiever, have a fully functioning brain, be attractive and intelligent. I’m attempting to make light of my birthday by planning a party, making invites as an excuse to get some drawing in. I want to have an Alice In Wonderland theme but don’t have the get up and go to make a start on the decorations or the party favours (despite buying a pack of 20 keyrings for an idea I had). I have the perfect image in my mind of photo props, decorations etc but no inclination to make it happen.

 

Story of my life really

 

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Missing Man Formation

The general consensus is that after a loved one’s funeral life goes back to normal, you’re suddenly ‘over it’ and ready to function once more.

 

Let me assure you that this is pure bollocks. If anything the act of burying Kay makes her seem all that further away. I talk out loud to her all the time (eliciting some odd looks when I’m walking around in public muttering to myself) in the hope that she can hear me. I had to take all my photos down of the two of us together as looking at them is just too painful, my photo wall now resembles a missing man formation, which in my plane geekery seems appropriate.

 

She’s given some of us signs that she’s still around. I’ve not been lucky enough so far, and I’m worried that the meds I’m on are somehow blocking her out. Stopping them isn’t an option and I feel awful that she might be trying to talk to me but can’t make it through the medication barrier. I’m hoping that instead she’s been visiting the buns and checking that I’m not starving them of treats!

 

Life just doesn’t seem worth the effort. Why bother going out when I can spend the days asleep escaping from the pain? I had to force make-up onto my face this morning for the first time in almost two weeks, it feels fake and clownish. All my non-PJ clothes just feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to leave the house, it just makes me so anxious, just walking down to the hutch yesterday morning ended with me panicked and in tears – much to the girl’s disgust on their 8^th ‘gotcha day’ (the day they came to live with me). I’m not looking forward to anything I have planned, not seeing Green Day next month or even achieving my dream that I’ve had since I was a kid of going to the Royal International Air Tattoo in July. I’d tried to kid myself that I could plan and look forward to stuff buy starting to plan a 30^th birthday party but I’m fooling no-one least of all myself.

 

I’m at work today and to be honest I’d probably have been far better off still being asleep, I’m all over the place forgetting things I’ve been told 2 minutes before, leaving stuff everywhere and forgetting what I was doing, more of a hindrance than a help today.

 

God I miss her

 

Love Jen

XxxX

The Year In Music ....... According To Me

Let's face it, 2016 has been an awful year for everyone, whether your focus lies in politics, world news, English cricket or even the ridiculous amount of noteable people passing away this year. Or in my case your best friend finally losing her fight against cancer, leaving a gaping hole in your heart.

In fact I would have totally written 2016 off as a damn awful year if it hadn't been for THE MUSIC. 2016 has produced some absolutely amazing new music, which after last year's decent music drought was sorely needed. It's been a year where two of my favourite artists finally came back with new offerings and a band I've been following for a couple of years now came out with a wicked 2nd album that will hopefully start to gain them the coverage and acclaim that they deserve. 

These are the albums that have rocked my year. 

1. Beyonce - Lemonade 

RnB isn't normally my cup of tea but hearing Lemonade and watching the DVD that came with it had me so excited. The album's narrative was reminiscent of the Prog Rock albums of yesteryear when the listener was taken on a journey (or indeed a more recent example being Green Day's American Idiot), in this case a woman's betrayal by the man she loves rather than to venus or somesuch. There are so many layers to the album that I'm still uncovering with every listen. All hail Queen B!

Songs to check out - Formation and Don't Hurt Yourself

2. Suicide Squad OST

Say what you like about the film but the soundtrack is pretty damn good, even if like me you cannot stand 21 Pilots' Heathens (I have an entirely seperate rant about why they shouldn't even come under the banner of rock music)! If you listen to nothing else on it then at least check out ConfidentialMX ft Becky Hanson's version of I Started A Joke - a real haunting, goosebumps moment. 

See also - Grace You Don't Own Me

3. Deap Vally - Femejism 

I first discovered Deap Vally back in 2014, they're loud and proud of it. They write songs about being a woman at this strange point in the 21st Century. This album builds on Sistrionix's sound and adds a sprinkling of maturity without dulling their passion in any way.  I was incredibly lucky to see them at the Concorde 2 in Brighton back in Sept, if this album goes down as well as it should then they may not be playing venues that small for much longer!

Awesome songs to check out - Gonnawanna, Royal Jelly and my favourite track of the album Turn It Off

4. Lady GaGa - Joanne

Mother Monster is finally back!! After teasing the album for over a year she finally delivered it in late October. And people were in for a surprise; it was stripped back with an almost country-esque feel. Critics who claimed that GaGa's success was purely down to gimmickery were left floundering as Joanne demonstrated what we knew all along - GaGa has a phenomenal voice. The album is inspired by GaGa's aunt Joanne who died at 19 from Lupus and the title track Joanne breaks my heart every time I listen to it, it hits pretty damn close to home. It's not all serious though Hey Girl a duet with Florence Welch (Of Florence & The Machine) is the musical equivalent of declaring your love for your best friends at 2am after a night out! Million Reasons shows off her stunning voice and is pure perfection. My favourite song on the album has to be John Wayne an ode to bad boys. 

Now for the big one ........ Jen's favourite album of the year is .......................

Green Day - Revolution Radio 

It's not often that Lady GaGa gets pipped to the post but in this case Green Day edge her slightly. I can safely say this is the album that has gotten me the most excited since This Is War back in 2009. It's Green Day back to their fast and furious best, I fell in love with lead single Bang Bang on the first listen and have been playing it non-stop ever since. Green Day always seem to pop up when the world needs them most, 2004's American Idiot came from the chaos of the Bush-era and Revolution Radio has arrived in the chaos of war, political unrest and Donald Trump. They've gone back to what they do best, a mix of biting songs that assault your eardrums like Revolution Radio, to softer more introspective numbers like Ordinary World. There's still the Green Day sense of fun in Too Dumb To Die and Bouncing Off The Walls. Somewhere Now is the perfect album opener with it's build and explosion of energy. New single Still Breathing is an anthem for those hanging on by their finger nails (saying nothing) and yes the video made me cry the first time I saw it. 

I cannot wait to see them in *checks calendar* 50 days!!!

Special mention also goes to these songs for being generally great this year -

Adele - When We Were Young

Pink - Just Like Fire (extra points awarded for the Alice themed video!)

SIA - Cheap Thrills

Boyce Avenue - Closer - Not bad considering that I cannot stand the Chainsmokers original!

Looking foward to next year I have concerts by Green Day, The Pretty Reckless & Kaiser Chiefs coming up with the promise of a UK tour by Lady GaGa and most importantly the long awaited 5th 30 Seconds To Mars album!!

See you at the barrier!

Love Jen

XxxX

This post is dedicated to Kay Keefe (1966 - 2016) who had awful taste in music but I love her anyway xxxxxxxxxxxx

Becoming a WRAP Star

Over the last month I’ve been attending a group course at Brightview (the community centre in Eastbourne for people with mental health problems) called WRAP (wellness, recovery, action, plan – nothing to do we me suddenly finding my inner gangsta!) – more information here http://mentalhealthrecovery.com/ .

 

I’ll admit when I first signed up for the course I was quite sceptical, I’ve tried CBT, Mindfullness etc with no effect before. I also had reservations about meeting other ‘mental’ people, I joked that “sticking a load of nutters in one place isn’t the best of ideas”. I also hated the idea of talking in a group – it takes me quite a long time to warm up to people I’ve never met or spoken to before.

 

I went into the first session expecting to either walk out at half-time or not come back the next week. And yes the first week was tough, I didn’t really want to contribute, shocking as it may be to believe I actually sat mostly in silence letting other people give their ideas when we split off into groups. There was an exercise with around 50 photo cards where we had to pick one that represented hope to us, they explained that hope in the context of WRAP means something that helps us cope or brightens a bad day. Unfortunately out of the 50 there was not one that applied to me, so I was the only group member with nothing to contribute. We actually had a similar exercise yesterday where we had to pick a card that represented how we’d felt over the last week, again nothing! I’m starting to think I’m not very good at this game (but not as bad as I am at Cluedo!).

 

The course has focused on different subjects each week, the first week was things that gave us the aforementioned hope. Last week we covered things that were helpful and unhelpful to us. It could be the littlest things such as seeing the rabbits first thing in the morning. Examples of unhelpful things could be people dismissing your problems or not taking them seriously, there are different examples for different people.

 

The main focus was building our ‘Toolkit’. The idea of the Toolkit is that you fill it either physically or metaphorically with things that help you to cope. We split it into – Very bad days, Not so good days and Ok days. The idea was that on very bad days we had the bare minimum that we do, so for example I would go out and feed and clean the girls and speak to Helen or Kay. On a not so good day I would do the same but add in things like listen to music or do some crafting. On an OK day I would build on this again with things like going for a walk, seeing friends, taking photos, going for a day out, putting on my ‘fun’ clothes, wearing make-up etc. It’s actually amazing how many things I was ‘using’ as coping mechanisms without realising.

 

This week’s session was based on Triggers that can upset our moods or influence our actions. Turns out that I have 100s of triggers (I also got reprimanded for calling one of mine silly) ranging from reading articles about/seeing examples of bullying, finding groups of school kids intimidating, reading or hearing critical comments about things I’m passionate about e.g music (that was the one I tried to dismiss as silly), seeing images or hearing accounts of animal abuse and so many more.  The course tutors pointed out that although a lot of these triggers are unavoidable, in some cases you can take steps to lessen their impact or if they’re avoidable try to cut them out. So in my avoidable triggers I try not to look up opinions about bands I like on social media as some of the comments people make I take almost personally, however the ladies taking the course explained to me that this is because I have an emotional investment as music is such a big part of my life and a major item in my toolbox. Same with animal abuse, if I’m scrolling down my Facebook timeline and see something that looks to be on that subject I scroll past super-fast so as not to take it in.

 

The group has also made me realise that I really do need to focus on my ‘self-care’ which I have been neglecting for years, spending time running around trying to look after everyone else. As Helen said last night I can only help others effectively if I help myself too. So I guess I need to do more for me, I’m not exactly sure what that constitutes, whether things like going to gigs on my own count (I saw Deap Vally last week – they were really good – check them out if you like female-fronted feminist rock).

 

The other realisation that I’m starting to have is a kind of forgiveness of myself. There are things that I’ve said or done in the past that have made people think I’m strange – hence being ostracised at school and being told by people that I’ve brought it on myself. Or times when I’ve hurt people and been completely oblivious. I know now that these actions were part of my disorder and not me. I need to finally accept that at the time I had no idea I was ‘ill’ or was unable to think straight in a crisis. Now I’m aware of my actions I can take steps to make sure that I’m ‘behaving right’ although my talent for putting my foot in my mouth remains unaffected!

 

I’d definitely recommend WRAP to people who ‘don’t do mind-altering’. I’ve learnt so much already and unlike many other methods I’ve tried I can actually apply it in ‘real life’ . I’m really hoping the effect is permanent.

 

Love Jen
XxxX

Tips For Year 7s

** TRIGGER WARNING** This post contains strong language and explicit references****

#Tipsforyear7s has been trending on Twitter over the weekend to prepare the new intakes to secondary schools around the country for the new world they'll be entering (Admittedly I find it pretty worrying that kids of 11/12 have Twitter accounts!).

Allow me to offer some of my pearls of wisdom.

*General Advice*

Lunch break will be an hour later than you're used to. Prepare to starve.....

You will spend the first couple of weeks paranoid that you've written your lesson schedule down wrong.

You will change as fast as humanly possible after PE due to the teacher of your following lesson failing to understand that 5 minutes between lessons really isn't enough time to change and fight your way along the corridor.

*Advice If You Wish To Become (And retain your membership as) One Of The 'In-Crowd'*

Be prepared to ditch your friends from primary school (see below)

Expect to become a clone of a mean-girls style group, any  spark of individuality will be punishable by social demotion.

Store up a list of snide remarks and insults to keep the geeks in their place.

*If You're Like Me*

Be prepared to be disowned by your primary school friends within hours

Expect aforementioned 'friends' to use any embarrassing confessions you may have made to them in the past as currency to elevate themselves and fit in.

Also beware of said friends suddenly wanting to re-befriend you when they need fresh ammo.

Be prepared for teachers to ignore any reports you make of bullying behaviour despite the giant anti-bullying policy signs in the canteen.

Be prepared to be blamed for your teachers to blame you for your social exclusion

Be careful of liking or disliking any music/films/TV Shows not authorised by the 'in-crowd'

Look foward to accusations of your good self attaching dildos to posters of your favourite bands since you're sooooo lonely (pretty sure that sexual frustration isn't a topic for 12/13 year olds to speculate upon by hey oh)

You will be expected to take slaps on the arse and groping of your books as a compliment

As before don't EVER consider reporting a particularly intimate grope of your backside (performed in front of about 10 people naturally). You will be ostracised forevermore.

Expect to be shot with a BB Gun and the school's response to be to beg your parents not to go to the local press.

Start saving now for the medication and therapy sessions you will need to try and deal with these experiences. It's costly kids!

And remember above all that these are the best days of your life!!!

Love Jen
XxxX