It's been 8 months since I first saw the psychiatrist when I was (if you'll forgive me for using a cliche) at my lowest ebb and he gave me the diagnosis of definate OCD and also a mixture of Cycolthymia (a fast moving but more mild version of Bipolar Disorder) and Borderline Personality Disorder (also known as Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). I tried to take a positive slant, naming it Jenrocksitus and dutifully taking my meds and trying to research the best ways to control my problems.
There is a multitude of information about OCD and the different types of Bipolar availible and there is a really good understanding and acceptance of these amongst the general public due to the work done by the Time To Change campaign. Whereas the Borderline Personality Disorder (BDP as I'm too lazy to keep writing it's full title - sadly my laziness is not something I can blame on my mental health - Damn!) is a whole different kettle of fish.
Firstly it's a horrible title for an illness - the phrases 'Emotionally unstable' and 'personality disorder' just sound terrible like you have some disgusting inherent fault. Your personality is the most important thing about you, what other people react to and interact with and giving it the terms 'unstable' and 'disorder' makes me feel like I'm deficent or underdeveloped in some way. Why can't they call it something like 'Changeable Mood Disorder' (I don't mind the term 'disorder' as that does perfectly describe someone's brain or body being out of order and causing them problems)? Telling someone "I have a personality disorder" is not going to be reassuring for them and gives the impression that you may impale them with a sharp object at a moment's notice.
Secondly the description of the symptoms of BDP are so vague, almost like they can't decide what is and what isn't a symptom. In the Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies book (the 'For Dummies' books are brilliant for covering mental health topics by the way - the OCD & Bipolar ones really simplify everything without talking down to you) it gives different scenarios of people with BDP but none seem to apply to me. I don't go out being promiscuous (a physical impossibility for me for reasons I won't TMI you all with), I don't take health risks with drugs or alcohol, I don't attack people.
I can blame by Cyclothymia for my mood cycles - from being really happy and positive 2 weeks ago, looking foward to plans with my friends and upcoming events, to now where (if you hadn't already guessed) I'm feeling low and despondant, not wanting to go out and see people or looking foward to anything. I can blame my cyclothymia for my mood turning in a split second from happy to sad and the underlying anxiety that I carry with me even on a good and happy day.
OCD can be blamed for my sudden onsets of panic, my all consuming terrified thoughts. It triggers completely crazy thoughts and fears about activities or things I enjoy, that I will deliberately hurt my bunnies or that my watching of Aircrash Investigation will be responsible for plane crashes at airshows I go to, it convinces me that favourite bands or artists are on the verge of splitting or retiring (don't worry Luke I'm sure GaGa will go on forever!) It tells me that if I sit in a particular spot in the garden or eat pasta bake that disaster is imminent to my family and friends. I can laugh these off and recognise them for the ridiculous fears that they are but in an OCD spiral they are real fears. The difference between these and 'normal' anxieties and panic attacks are that they can be tied to something specific, being jammed in a crowd, worries that I'll make mistakes at work etc. I can also 'check' on these types of fear - text or call friends or family to make sure they're ok, wander down the garden to prod the bunnies. Which I know is something I'm supposed to avoid doing as it justifies the fears but playing by the rules just doesn't achieve anything sometimes.
The problem with the BPD is that there's not a huge amount I can attribute it to from the descriptions that I've found. I guess it could be behind me being quick to anger over unimportant things such as students squashing onto the bus or my phone running slow but it's internalised anger rather than the violent outbursts I'm supposed to have if it's BPD behaviour. My clingyness could apparently also be a symptom, worrying that people will leave me but then that's common in 'normal' people I would imagine?
Another issue with BPD is that it's a 60/40 split between mental health professionals as to whether the condition actually exists! In the same manner that a lot of people believe ADHD is a child who's just badly behaved, a lot of the consensus if that people with BPD are just nasty and to be avoided. There's even a support website on the internet for boyfriends who's ex-girlfriends had BPD but are in fact just 'psycho bitches' which I know is just a silly website for guys to vent on but it does make a valid point that a lot of people simply don't belive the condition exists. This begs the question when we know pretty certainly that I have OCD and Cyclothymia do I have BPD or just a really nasty side to my personality?
The argument that BPD should be bought into the public conciousness and have myths around it busted in the same way that Depression, Bipolar and OCD have, there's also brilliant work going on around Schizophrenia at the moment too. But how is it possible to present a disorder to the wider population that nearly half of the experts don't believe exists? To put a silly example on it, it would be like trying to warn people against an imminent alien invasion as we know it's about the same percentage of believers and non-believers (and yes I had to put my love of conspiracy theories in there, stop rolling your eyes!) or trying to flight off a dragon that was invisible to some and not to others or indeed a Hippogryph from Harry Potter who are only visible to some in the magic world (I'm not going into the ins and outs here - read the book or watch the film!). To people who can't see them you look pretty stupid waving a sword around or ducking behind a shield trying to avoid thin air! How can you fight something if you don't know it truely exists?
I don't mean for this to be a long 'woe is me' blog. As I've said before I feel far better than I did, I'm no longer suicidal, my mood 'swings' themselves are far more under control and I haven't self-harmed for 3 months now which doesn't sound much I know but it is a major step for me! I just wanted to express my frustration at not knowing whether this condition I supposedly have is real or not, kind of ironic when mental health treatment is all about showing a patient what is real and what isn't.
As I normally try to I want to end the blog on some positives. Obviously the major one is that my condition (s?) is/are nowhere near as bad as they were this time last year, in fact not in the same league! As I enjoy making lists I have indulged myself in presenting the others in this manner -
Aside from the weather for the last week, we appear to be actually having a summer! With sunshine and everything!
I'm already plotting Helen's Steampunk and The Night Circus themed birthday party (The Night Steampunk Circus???) with loads of crafts and drawings I can do for it.
Kay is coming down to worship the girls next week
I have lots of plans with the 'Ginstitue' (and you too Barry and James) - Airbourne fireworks woo hoo!
It's a matter of weeks 'till Airbourne and Shoreham Airshows when I get to practice my aviation photography and make many geeky videos
I've taken by best bee photos ever!
I work in an office where I can play Radio 2's 'Popmaster' every day and feel smug when I get a particularly high score - I average an 18 with my best score being 24 (for my overseas readers Popmaster is a music quiz and is well known for being super difficult hence my smugness)
I no longer feel trapped in a job
Loads of my favourite artists either have new albums out or are in the process of recording - thank you Muse, Mars, Greenday and GaGa.
I got to make a list!
Love Jen
XxxxX
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