HOPING THAT THE PSYCHIATRIST WHO ASSURED ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO THAT I'D 'GROW OUT' OF BPD WAS RIGHT. AS I'M GETTING PRETTY SICK OF DEBATING WHETHER THE STUGGLE IS WORTH IT AND WHETHER IT'S BETTER TO JACK IT ALL IN AND SAVE EVEYONE ELSE THE BURDEN

When you see the effect you have on the lives of your loved ones you wonder what the kindest thing for them would be. In a "It's not you, it's me, very very much me" way.

Of course the only 'you's' really are those who helped contribute to this point. Those of you at Willingdon who decided that groping me in front of 20 other 11 year olds and shaming ME for it for the next 5 years. The rest of you who stood back and laughed. You guys who thought it was great sport to mock my looks, mannerisms, clothing, hobbies etc on a daily basis, shoot at me with BB guns, shower the back of my head with projectiles during lessons every day. Congratufuckingwelldone I hope this makes you laugh that one last time.

The other you's at CMS/Veritek who thought it was acceptable to scream in my face or across the office at me. Blame me for everything that went wrong though you knew full well I had no control over what was happening. Keeping spreadsheets of all my 'mistakes' over the 4 years I was there, damn I bet that was a good read.

Shall I list your names both school and work colleagues? Shame you like you gleefully did me? As tempting as it is I know there's no point, you'd either not remember or still feel justified in your actions. Because of course I brought it on myself through my own inadequacies, silly, silly Jen.

They could of course been onto something. Maybe some people are just too inadequate?

Lucky mental health nurse who gets to talk to me later. Hope she gets paid enough.