This time of year is always a shit. It co-incides with the days getting shorter and darker, the anniversary of Nat's suicide and my usual trepidation about Christmas and New Year.
It's funny as most people see Christmas and New Year as a festival of light, whereas all it means to me is an all pervasive gloom that seems to surround everything. You may remember that I tried to 'do' Christmas with enthusiasm last year and it ended up with me on a manic, sleepless state in the days leading up to Christmas Day and a massive drop off on Christmas Day itself. I barely remember the day, I was so detached and miserable that day, all I clearly remember is taking down my Christmas tree in the evening in a fit of anger and frustration that I couldn't even enjoy the day like everyone else does.
I've been struggling so much the last week or so, obviously the aforementioned anniversary of losing Nat has loomed large, she loved Christmas, she used to live for it each year. Her favourite ever song was Wizzard "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day" kinda summing her attitude up. Which let's be honest did her absolutely no good in the end did it?
I guess most people view the festive period as days out of the ordinary, as Chris put it "an excuse to be lazy, eat and drink loads" my brother is a very wise being! My problem lies with the fact that due to my mental state I can never predict how I'll feel each day. It's not as easy as "decide that Christmas will be a good day, think positively" as I've been told by various people. Let me use being tired as an example, your body has decided that it's in this state and no amount of bloody-mindedness or positive thinking with change the fact that you're tired. The same is true when I'm in a depressed, manic or OCD state. I guess if I had to 'pick' a state to be in over Christmas then manic would be ok if it was at it's early bouncy and happy stage, if it's a few days in and onto it's wired and anxious stage then forget it.
I've had so many days and afternoons off work the last few weeks because of my head it's getting ridiculous. The problem is what I don't work I don't get paid so not only am I succumbing to the idiocy of my moods I'm also poorer for it! I know that it's caused by missing Nat, Kay's worsening health and other minor triggers. Sometimes my head feels like it's bursting with thoughts, I have a vision of it exploding Mr Creosote-style if it tries to squeeze in one more 'wafer thin' thought.
There are aspects of Christmas that I like and do try and partake in enthusiastically each year, I love planning what to buy people, making lists once I'm sure and ticking off each item as it's bought/ordered and arrives. I love making things for people, this year I'm cross-stitching lots of Christmas cards. I really like seeing other people's excitement and enjoyment but then I also worry that my mood is brining them down. I also like remembering what Christmas was like as a kid, all that excitement when everything seemed magical. Obviously my favourite thing is still Bacon-Wrapped Sausages or Pigs In Blankets, whatever you prefer to call them, they are the best thing about Christmas!
So yes I will once again try to paint a merry face on this year, I'll try not to wrinkle my nose too much at Christmas songs, I will gladly accept mince pies and Bacon-Wrapped Sausages, I already have an Art Deco themed tree that Helen decorated for me (it's the most gorgeous thing ever, all I can do is stare at it!), I'll finish the damn cross-stitched cards even if my hand drops off (quite possible at this point!), and I will try, try, try to be happy and fun to be around.
This does not extend to wearing a Christmas jumper though!
Love Jen
XxxX
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