We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (In The Nicest Possible Way)

I've been wanting to write this blog for nearly a month now but have held off for fear of jinxing it (you know what I'm like about fate).

But I can now declare that after nearly 6 months of being off sick I have handed in my resignation.

You should always trust the fortune cookie

It's a massive relief, months of panic attacks, worsening mental health, a near nervous breakdown and self-harm can hopefully begin to come to an end. It's horrible to walk into work every day knowing that people are deliberately looking for any tiny mistake you've made or see you as a liability. What's worse is knowing that there is nothing you can do to improve on your performance as your 'mistakes' or 'concentration slips' are directly linked to your mental illness which people are beginning to use against you.

It's been the first time that I've ever really experienced the stigma around mental illness being used against me, to suggest that I may not be fit for a job because of my illness (which until the process started I was told I was really good at). The whole experience has definitely made me question whether it's wise to be open about my illness in a future job.

But I don't want to use this blog as a 'reveal all' about exactly what went on, the unfair treatment etc. I met with my supervisor on Wednesday and we agreed that they would accept my notice and I would be a free agent from Friday. 

I want to remember the really fun times I had with the team for 2 and a half years until it all went pear-shaped in May. I have to say that the team have been one of the nicest teams I have ever worked with in any job. The first thing I noticed was the friendly atmosphere and people going out of their way to welcome me as they knew it was my first day. When I started working on the retrospective cases with Juliette the admin side of that was my baby and I looked foward to coming to work every day as I felt I was achieving. Of course if it hadn't been for being referred to Occupational Health and having my medication changed I would still be stuck on the wrong meds. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. 

I had a lovely circle of friends in the office - Juliette, Gwenda, Sophie & Vonny and we had such a laugh every day which made the stressful days so much more bearable.  So thank you guys, I'm really hoping we stay in contact once you're rid of me! I'm coming in armed with choccies on Tuesday to give you all big hugs. 

Magic Eye break!

Me, Sophie & Gwenda congratulating Vonny on getting her degree

Office beard-wearing is compulsory

Sophie and Gwenda the office elves

Me and Sophie working hard as always

So what next? Well this is the part of the story that I didn't want to write about and jinx, I've only been sharing it with my closest friends and family in case it didn't come off. I have re-joined the staff bank at the local hospital and will hopefully begin working there potentially as soon as Thursday.

The references and DBS clearance have all been sorted and it's just awaiting Occupational Health clearance. I last saw Occ Health at the end of January in relation to my old job (it still feels super strange saying that) and explained to the doctor I saw that I had a potential job with the staff bank that would be different to what I was doing and he agreed that although I wasn't fit to return to my old job I would be suitable to work on the bank. So I'm hoping that their reference comes through asap and I can start on Thursday so that I technically only miss a week's pay. 

 As some of you will know I worked on the bank before in the Medical Records library and I loved it. In fact the only reason I left was to move to my old job as it was full time and better paid (my hours had been cut to 3 days a week at that point). 

In my sexy library uniform with the essential croissant and 30STM mug

Moving to the library from my job at CMS/Veritek where I was screamed at on a near daily basis by some charming members of staff was like a dream. Although the team was busy there was no nastiness, I'd never experienced that in a job before. I didn't realise it was supposed to be the norm! Because I was on my feet all day I lost loads of weight, I started as a size 18 in Sept 2010 and left as a size 12 in Nov 2011! I'm really hoping that the same will happen again, 

I'm hoping that I will be asked to Clinic Clerk which involves pulling patient case notes from the library (well I already know my way around!), booking patients in, making appointments etc. So that should involve a lot of *on my feet time*, I've casually purchased a new pair of black Dr Martens for the purpose. I've actually been on 3 days of training sessions on using the computer systems and a lot of it came back really quickly (especially around casenote tracking funnily enough!). 

One of the training sessions was over at Hastings' Conquest Hospital and had this distractingly pretty view from the window 

This week has been one of the best and worst in a long time, I've had horrendous panic attacks, really low mood and bad OCD thoughts and it's only really since yesterday that I've started to feel calm again. The biggest thing for me is that for the first time in a long time I have something positive to work with. I couldn't see the way out from my old job and felt terrified every time I thought about returning. Even if my start date is suddenly delayed due to Occ Health slowness I know that it's on the horizon.

I'm looking foward to seeing old friends again and of course the prospect of 3 Richardsons working in the hospital at once! 

The Richardsons are taking over the hospital canteen!

As it's technically a 'temporary' job I can, in theory, pick and choose my hours (although I have asked for full time Mon - Fri and it's what I've been offered - perfect) and if I was to suddenly have a bad period again I could ask to reduce my hours. The agreement is that they are not obliged to offer me shifts and I am not obliged to take them. It also means that I won't necessarily have to fit in with other staff member's holiday and can have time off when I want (hello Airbourne!) but obviously I don't get paid for any days I don't work.

Working at the library before was such a happy time for me. Even though some horrible stuff outside of work went on during then- losing Grandad, breaking up with Adi, I think that I coped with it because work was a happy and non-stressful environment. It was also the period of time that Helen and I went off adventuring and had loads of fun times and I associate all of this together. When I was doing the training I mentioned before I had a big smile on my face as all the memories and good feeling came flooding back. 

Me, Kat & Janet

Kat, Shelby, Hannah and Me

Me, Shelby & Hannah at my leaving do

Me, Tom & Shelby at my leaving do

I'm not going to lie, I have enjoyed my time off on the days that I've felt well. I've been able to spend Tuesdays with Helen on her day off, done lots of crafty bits, been out photographing loads and wandered off to London for gigs and to meet friends. Although I think I'm owed that to counteract the horrible, dark days bought on by the stress.

I am wary of pinning all my hopes on this new job and hoping that all the associated good stuff (weight loss, feeling well etc) will happen again. But it gives me hope and the knowledge that the nightmare of Performance Management is finally over and right now I'll take that.

Love Jen

XxxX