Call for desperate measures right? Not quite sure what measures I can take to solve this situation though.
In one week's time I have my next work Occupational Health appointment to further look into my suitability to go back to work. Every time I think about it my chest tightens up and I can't breathe. Thinking about returning to work makes me want to burst into tears. I was browsing the NHS jobs website looking to see what was around and felt sick to my stomach just looking at that.
I'm starting to feel backed back into the corner again before I even set foot back into the building. The performance management, which is what has given me this breakdown will start again the moment that I return, they'll have extra ammunition this time too as I will now be onto the Bradford Scale (the NHS sickness monitoring tool) due to all my time off.
People keep telling me to 'just leave' but that's impossible too. I can't afford not to work, I have a credit card and direct debits plus am trying to save up to go to New York for my 30th. Finding another job isn't likely either due to my current sickness record plus the fact I'm on the performance management will be the final nail in the coffin.
The worst of it is that the circumstances that have lead me to making the mistakes that have put me on the performance management are because of my various conditions. There's nothing I can do about it, the Psych said that I would have concentration issues due to my brain chemicals. So I'm bound to fuck up stuff again, and the more they stress me the worse my concentration will be!
What can I tell the Occupational Health doctor? I'm now down to half pay because of the length of time that I've been off. Please send me back even though I'm no better as I need money?
I just don't know what the hell to do, there's no support for me at work. Every time I've asked for any kind of support - shortening my days, not being on the phones all the time, it's been flat out refused.
I feel sick, I'm scared and I'm desperate and there's nothing I can do to help myself or solve the problem.
Love Jen
XxxX
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