Introducing Eos!

Ok it's not much of an introduction as most of you guys who are friends with me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter will have had their timelines spammed with photos of the new addition to our family 😁.

So without further ado allow me to introduce Miss Eos!

Eos is a Border Collie born on 3rd March 2019. Dad and I first met her when she was 4 weeks old.

A Pile Of Puppies! Eos (well her butt and tail) is on the far right

She was the same size as Dad's foot

 

My first cuddle

A couple of weeks later Mum came along to visit with us!

We couldn't believe how much she'd grown already (Eos not Mum!)

More tiny puppy cuddles

I was immediately impressed by her ability to nap instantly!

Eos' Mum is the pretty doggy on the left

Eos' name come from the Greek Goddess Eos who is the goddess of the dawn and a new day (NOT the camera make!). An ironic name really seeing as we've spent the last few months up at the crack of dawn with her!

Finally the big day arrived and on Sun 28th April little Eos officially joined our family!

On the way home (shortly before she was sick on me!)

So this is my living room now?

Meeting Auntie Helen (Aka Auntie NO) for the first time

  

It's amazing how she's gone from a little, fat barrel on legs to a long, sleek doggy on very spindly legs! 

Not quite sure how this thing works ...

It must be time for another nap right?

                                                       

"What doing?"

This was the first time she went to the bottom of the garden so she could see the outside world before she had her final jabs and could be unleashed on the world!

Naturally for such a cute puppy Eos has an adoring audience of people queuing up to visit her ....

Uncle Chris and Auntie Vana

Auntie Rach (aka Future Mother-In-Law)

Auntie Amanda (With Auntie NO)

She's also more than happy to provide home visits, especially to 'The Palace'

Eos has also been to puppy classes that are just round the corner from us and actually passed (even though on the day of the exam she kept refusing to do anything and was hellbent on being a disruptive influence with her BFF Rose the Lab!).

Told you I could do it Mum

 


To celebrate everyone passing the course her puppy class Eastbourne Dog Training Club organised for us all to go to Freedom Field. Freedom Field is great as it's totally enclosed with loads of toys and agility equipment for all the doggies to play on.

Queen of the castle

A taste of some agility

One of the best things about having Eos is thinking of places to take her now that she can go out for short walks, it's like re-discovering places that I've taken for granted through her eyes. 

Walkies!

In her favourite patch of long grass near Pevensey Castle

We love the beach

   

One of my favourite places to take her is the Love All  tennis cafe in Gilderidge Park. The park itself is great for dog walkers and the cafe is always so friendly and accommodating plus their scones are amazing! 

I think the biggest suprise for us all has been how well Eos and Esme have gotten on. As my regular readers will know Esme is my beloved Mini Lop who also doubles over as the world's grumpiest rabbit and loves everyone except me! Esme has been totally accepting of Eos, although of course Eos is only allowed near Esme's hutch with one of us supervising and never in her run or near an open hutch door. 

I often wonder what they're talking about .......

Please throw the ball for me Esme!

Eos has settled in so well and it's hard to imagine life without her here, even when I do still have the odd "Er there's a dog in the living room" moments.

We also hope that one day she'll  grow into her ears .....

Love Jen

XxxX

Slide Away

Looks like things are back to normal after my cheeriness following Dunsfold Airshow a couple of weeks ago (See my previous blog for plenty of geeking) and I’m back on a slippery slope (points to whoever got the Oasis song pun I used for the title of my blog!).

My mood is crap again and I’m back to hardly working again which means that my savings are going down the pan to pay for food and cover my direct debits. This also means that should any gigs or events come up that I want to go to it’s not gonna happen due to my stupid self not being able to cope with the simplest job with lovely work colleagues. Earning on average of £70 a week when I manage even one day is just not sustainable. I’m having to look at going to Citizen’s Advice to see if I’m entitled to any financial help for being ill, which I hate as I feel like I’m one of those Daily Mail-hated wasters with their hands out expecting the state to pay for them.

My weight isn’t doing so great either, I can post all the body-positive photos on my Instagram @jenraefrances that I want but the fact of the matter is that I’ve put on 2 kilos since Christmas because my inner-pig has re-emerged with a vengeance and I’m just too damn tired to walk anywhere. I know the greed and tiredness is mood-related too and the weight that I’ve put on just makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself.

I don’t know what the answer is, I should be in a good place – I enjoy my job, have a puppy who’s always pleased to see me and a rabbit currently tolerating me, my Uncle coming to stay at Christmas and Airbourne and Duxford airshows to look forward too. I just feel so pathetic and whiny at the moment and feel bad for it when everyone is doing their best to help me.

Hopefully the next blog will be more positive

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Dunsfold Wings & Wheels 2019 Review

Hi everyone! My 2019 airshow season has finally begun with a trip to  Dunsfold Wings & Wheels show last month.

It was my first trip to the aerodrome and very sadly it was to be the last show there so I was very lucky to go when I did. Dunsfold is famous for being the BBC Top Gear track and they also had a car show during the day (hence the 'wheels' part of the name), I must shamefully admit that I missed most of the car action due to being in the world's longest ice cream van queue 👀.

There is a lot of important aviation history attached to the Dunsfold Aerodrome, it was the test site for a number of ground-breaking Hawker aircraft such as the Harrier, Sea Hawk, Sea Fury, Hurricane and more. You can read more about it's history here. 

On the car journey up the weather could have been best described as biblical, with torrential rain and flashes of lightning, still not enough to put us hardened plane-geeks (and Mum) off. Luckily the weather started to clear and the cloud to lift as we arrived, so much so that by the time the show opened it was brilliant sunshine.

Kicking things off were the Strike Display UK team of two Strikemasters simulating a ground attack with plenty of noise! As a bit of a pyromaniac myself anything with smoke and explosions always gets my vote! Although I still manage to jump even when I know an explosion is going to happen!

One of the highlights for me, as always, was the Chinook display. Even though we see a fair few Chinooks round here I always love the thudding 'wocka wocka' sound that their blades make and the sheer mobility of the helicopter. I particularly like seeing them at airshows when there is a runway and they show off their ability to 'wheelie' up and down it.

The RAF's two primary training aircraft were also there in the form of the Tutor and Tucano teams. The Tutor put on a really dynamic display against the blue sky.

2019 is the last year of the Tucano display before the RAF moves onto the Texan aircraft. Their display this season is a real send off in style and I'm looking foward to seeing them here at Airbourne one final time.

There was a really good selection of warbirds at Dunsfold, many were painted in D Day invasion colours to mark this year's 75th Anniversary. I enjoyed seeing the P47 Thunderbolt or 'Jug' for the first time -

We also had the BBMF Spitfire

A Dakota

Sally B the B-17 Flying Fortress

And also a Westland Lysander which gave today's STOL (Short Take Off/Landing) aircraft a real run for their money as it got airborne in a matter of meters!

The tempo changed with the arrival of the Turbulent Team , if you've never seen aircraft take part in flour-bombing, balloon popping or attempting the limbo then you're missing out!

How low can you go? 

Wings & Wheels were lucky enough to be one of the few shows this year to feature the Red Arrows ahead of their jaunt to North America later this summer (I'm still trying to forgive them for missing Airbourne later this year!). Any of you who've read any of my previous airshow blogs will know what a Red Arrows fan girl I am so I'll spare you the gushing and just leave you with a couple of photos. 

Another of my favourite aerobatic acts was performing, Rich Goodwin with his muscle bi-plane. If you think biplanes are dull then wait until you see Rich throwing his Pitts S2C around the sky and see how quickly you change your mind! 

The day rounded off back on a warbird theme with a P51 Mustang and two Hurricanes. The Mustang roared and whistled her way across the sky 

The show was closed fittingly by a pair of Hawker Hurricanes flying over the aerodrome that their manufacturers called home, I'll never get tired of Merlins roaring over me and to have a pair of Hurricanes shining in the late afternoon light was really special.

Dunsfold was a really great day out and I'm genuinely gutted to not be able to go again. It was a great opening to my geeking season, roll on Airbourne and Duxford!

Love Jen
XxxX

No Work & No Pay makes Jen really pissed off....

Another week another set of days calling in sick because I'm too depressed to leave my bed and this week I have absolutely outdone myself and managed absolutely no hours at all *round of applause*.

Of course being on the bank means no work no pay makes Jen poor and even more fed up. Jen is unimpressed at running down her gig and social fund to cover her bills and currently wonders how the hell she can cover this sorry state of affairs that her stupid BPD has put her in.

I was thinking back through my long and (not very illustrious) working career and wondering how the hell I went from essentially running a really busy and vital department, with the promise of promotion, to now not even being able to cope with cleaning and delivering food. I mean what the bloody hell went wrong?

Whilst it was my decision to leave the aforementioned job at CMS/Veritek due to the bullying and stress jeopardising the really good place I was in mentally at the time - yes believe it or not I was HAPPY between summer of 2010 (when I left that job) and about Autumn 2011 (when I left the hospital records library to ironically go to full-time work).

Where has my ability to think on my feet, organise important deliveries, schedule stock, generally troubleshoot and even occasionally ignore shrieking managers out to make my life hell gone? How have I regressed so far that I can even cope with washing a floor? Really what the fuck!

So thank you brain for your obvious deterioration in your ability to cope with even the smallest tasks and fuck you for putting me in this situation that I can see no sodding way out of.

Love Jen
XxxX

#TheStruggleIsReal

I'm just going to launch right in here I'm afraid and simply state that life is, quite frankly, hideous at the moment.

My mental health has taken possibly the nose-dive equivalent of a Cristiano Ronaldo dive with a dash of the peregrine falcon about it. It's pretty safe to say I'm by far the worst I've been since I was signed off during the great memory-stick gate of 2014.

I've missed so much work in the last few months I shudder to think how much money I've lost. Whilst I far prefer to be on the staff bank I don't get paid what I don't work. Basically if I was in a 'normal' job I would have begged my GP to sign me off by now and considering the state I'm in I'm pretty sure I'd have that form in my hand right now.

The worst of it is that I feel incredibly guilty for letting the team on the ward I work on down. I've grown to absolutely adore Ward Clerking and really feel horrid when I constantly call in sick and leave them in the lurch. Whilst I'm not directly looking after patients it's the little things I can do to help save the nurses time which I find most rewarding.

But quite frankly I'm in no fit state to be of help to anyone, let alone myself, at this moment in time. I'm getting freaked out at the thought of going to town, making the short walk to the supermarket or anything that involves moving any further down the garden than Esme's hutch.

And to put it bluntly I can't see any way out at the moment. I'm sorry to say this (but when I started this blog way, way back back in 2013 I promised a 'warts n all' depection of living with a mental illness) but yes I have been carrying around thoughts of suicide the last few weeks. I'm not saying this for shock value, or to gain Twitter or Facebook comments (although thank you to those of you who are all so lovely) or to seek some kind of attention. I guess I just want to get across how bad things are at the moment in Jen-world. I can't sleep at night with scary thoughts invading my brain, I almost wish there was a 'safe' way to demonstrate it, to get myself put away for a few weeks to clear my head (I'm not even joking here) but there is no way on earth that I'm prepared to put my family through that, who have been nothing but supportive, far more than I deserve. So much so that this week Mum and Dad have cancelled going away for a few days because they're worried about me, I'm a 31 year old who can't be left alone.

I'm back in counselling each week now, but like any kind of treatment it takes a little bit to titrate. I'm seeing the lady I saw up until spring last year (when I foolishly thought I'd made progress) so at least we can pick-up where we left off.

One of the most irritating aspects of the situation is that I cannot for the life of me pinpoint what's caused this. Yes I've had job uncertainty and upheaval (cheers Med Sec Managers) which is the tip of the iceberg, but this has been building for some time now and I don't know why.

Even my normal go-to lifts aren't helping - listening to music just makes me sad, watching crap on YouTube is getting boring, I can't concentrate on a book or magazine and even my witchy pursuits aren't fulfilling me at the moment despite having really good results with it (see here https://muddlingwitch.blogspot.com/)

I almost wish some physical injury could befall me, that would take me out of action for a few weeks, just a little broken ankle or toe or some such so that I'd have a valid reason to not work or want to leave the house. And yes I know this is utterly stupid.

That's pretty much the shape of it at the moment, please don't be freaking out as I'm sure I'll waddle through it. However if anyone feels like forking out to send me to The Priory or some such all donations will be gratefully received!

Love Jen
XxxX

A New Introduction

Hiya guys I hope you're all good?

I wanted to let you know that I've started a new blog to document my journey in learning about witchcraft and Wicca.

I'll only link it this once as there's nothing worse than having someone's religion or beliefs shoved down your throat! If someone could mention that to the preacher guy in town every Saturday ranting and raving that we're all going to hell .... I mean the queues in Primark can be pretty horrendous but not quite on a par with fire and brimstone .....

So if anyone is interested you can find my witchy alter-ego at The Muddling Witch

Oh and in case anyone was wondering

1.  I don't worship Satan (I've always disliked Manchester Utd)
2.  I'm not fooling around with ouija boards (People have no idea how dangerous they are)
3.  I'm not going to be throwing about hexes and curses here there and everywhere (the Wiccan belief is that everything we send out comes back threefold)
4.  No I won't be dancing naked in a field (Nobody deserves that!)

Hopefully that clears it up 👯

Love Jen
XxxX

The Thick And Thin Of It

Happy very late New Year everyone. This greeting sets the tone for today’s waffle very well as it deals with weight loss which is often a resolution for people.

So to address the (literal) elephant in the roomy es I have lost 29.1 kilos/4.5ish stone. The problem with losing the weight, aside from nothing fitting anymore is the attention it garners. I know that people are commenting with only the nicest intentions but “Don’t you look good” when I clearly don’t or “You’re all skinny” when nothing could be further from the truth seeing as I’m still a size 16 and 5ft5 inches!

The most difficult comment to deal with is when people say “I bet you feel better for it” when the answer is really no! But I can’t say “No I still feel horrible all the time” and instead look at the floor and mutter something in the affirmative. Despite the medical community insisting that exercise and dieting will make you feel better I have to break it to you all that it really bloody doesn’t. I still wake up every day wishing that I hadn’t, I still have a huge amount of anxiety and my brain is still like a raw nerve with the littlest thing sending me into a downward spiral.

I also hate that being thinner is associated with being ‘well’. One of the happiest periods in my life when I was between working at Veritek/CMS and the Medical Records Library I was a size 18/20! Whilst I did slim down to a size 12 over the year due to constantly being on the move by the end of that I was ill and unhappy again due to external factors so no I wasn’t automatically well due to being slimmer.

It also makes me wonder when people tell me how well I look how awful must have I looked before?? Why do people not comment that someone looks really well/happy when they’re bigger? I know society equates skinny with good and fat with bad but surely people can be fat and happy as well as skinny and sad? It reminded me of an exercise we did at school many, many years ago when we were asked to choose between various lifestyle options; one being would we prefer to be fat, healthy and happy or skinny, unhappy and unhealthy. Nearly the whole class went for the skinny option, we’d been conditioned even at the age of 11/12 to worship skinny.

I know I sound ungrateful for the compliments but I’ve always felt uncomfortable receiving praise, thinking people are just giving it without meaning it and being praised for my weight loss is even more difficult. Whilst I do take satisfaction in knowing that my insides are probably a lot happier with me cutting out a lot of the crap I was eating (although I always prioritise weekend cake) and having stuck at being ‘good’ (another of society’s thin-centric ones there!), enjoying my walking- I walk to and from work when it’s not raining and am on my feet most of the day at work in my new Ward Clerk job( which I love by the way) regularly hitting 18,000 steps, luckily I should be able to keep this up when I do two day’s housekeeping a week too (not sure what it says that I’d rather clean toilets than work for my old boss!) and the money I'm saving on not buying chocolate and crisps every day has built up my 'fat fund' meaning that last year I was able to afford my 30STM gigs and a trip to the Air Tattoo! 

So please, please as awful as it sounds don’t comment on my weight. Comment on my mascara, lippie, jewellery, excellent taste in music anything except my wobbly bits!

Love Jen

XxxX