What I didn't mention in my last blog about my Yungblud shows was that I was supposed to have an extra night in Brighton (Mum was going into hospital for a knee operation so needed to isolate) and had my hotel booked and ready and a plan for how to spend the day. As you may guess my brain had other plans and completely melted down meaning I had to head home early (losing £70 in the process). On a positive note Mum's recovering from her knee operation well 😊.
It just seems like every time I try to do something I enjoy my brain has other ideas and boy do I suffer for any concert I try to go to, meet up I try to do with my friends. I can't even take Eos for a walk around the block without having anxiety attacks, even leaving my room to go downstairs makes me anxious.
I'm not even looking forward to things that normally make my heart sing going to RIAT, adopting bunnies again, summer fun in general.
I'm on the waiting list (Well more of a scroll 📜 I imagine) for the mental health team to be re-assessed AGAIN now with a view to my having PTSD with my Autism. But we all know how crap they've been in the past, dumping me off their books because I wasn't 'cured' by anxiety courses, being spoken down to in the rudest ways. I have no faith in their ability to help in any way. I have new anti-depressants to try but I've had to stop them because the side effects were so awful - I get restless legs at night sometimes which can be a side effect of these and my god were they awful, I ended up punching my legs to try and stop the twitching then wondering the next morning where the bruised feeling came from 🤦🏻♀️
I just feel so helpless, useless and utterly pathetic and leads to me wondering if it's worth even trying when I can't find any happiness in anything and am spending my time just being terrified all the time and feeling sick 🤮 from nerves *insert Mrs Bennett from Pride & Prejudice here*
Love Jen
XxxX
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