Next steps in Autism

***Popping some trigger warnings for mental health and all it's associations in before anyone starts reading****

Last month I shared the news that (in the world's smallest surprise) I'd officially received a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (you can read about it in more detail here). Since then I've been really struggling with my anxiety and mood, I would assume it's related to the diagnosis but who knows with my brain 🤦🏻‍♀️. 

One of the really big things I've noticed is just how angry I've become all the time. We used to joke that Esme was the world's grumpiest being but lately I've been putting her to shame. Every little minor inconvenience, being asked regular questions, adverts interrupting YouTube videos will have me swearing at the TV. I've always been an inwardly angry person as a result of my shitty life experiences but now it's surged to an impossible degree where I'm choosing to spend as much time alone as possible as I'm downright awful to be around, crazily snappy and worry I'm going to blow my lid and scream at some poor unsuspecting friend or family member for no reason. I get like this with PMT but this is like permanent PMT x 1000. 

I guess that some of the anger is tied to not being diagnosed until now and living almost 36 years struggling to understand what's wrong with me and why I feel so different. There's also the anger at professionals who could have picked up on the traits nearly a decade ago rather than just boxing me into diagnoses and sending me on my (not so) merry way. The so-called professionals who I've dealt with over the last few years have been worse than useless and sought to drop me at every possible opportunity despite knowing that I have ongoing mental health needs. 

The other big problem at the moment, one would assume being fed by my anger and frustration, is my dangerously low mood. At the moment I'm back in the head space I was in summer 2019 when I wanted to (to put it delicately) 'unalive' myself and ironically putting my autistic researching skills to good use working out what combinations of meds would send me off the most painlessly. 

The only thing that's stopping me is knowing how much pain it would cause those around me (especially with their own problems at the moment, upcoming surgeries and other health problems) and the thought of not seeing the world's dimmest Border Collie (™) again. So I'm back to my old coping mechanisms of 'hurting' and over eating to try and numb the brain pain.

I've spoken to my GP and been prescribed a new anti-depressant to try (along with my existing mood stabilisers, anti-psychotics and anxiety meds) which is called Mirtazapine. Which takes my grand total anti-depressants varieties I've tried to 6 (the others on the honour roll are Citalopram, Duloxetine, Fluoxetine, Sertraline and Venlafaxine). I'll start on it next week so hopefully it'll help improve things a little.

Love Jen

XxxX