Pfft

The blog title says it all really. I don’t even have the energy or inspiration to come up with one of my normal, witty names.

At the moment I’m just fed up and uninspired. This time of year I should be happy – the summer is my favourite time, I think I’m still the only person loving this heatwave (although that brings enough guilt on it’s own with knowing how much Esme is struggling).

Not helping is finding out that my ex has had his first child and being the last to know out of my group of friends didn’t help, I appreciate that they were trying to protect me, really I do, but I’d rather have found out directly from them rather than accidentally through Facebook. The kicker is that for most of the time we were together all I wanted was for us to move out and start a family but there was always an excuse, mostly money or needing to stay with his family (the suggestion was always “move in here”, code for pay the bills!). It makes me wonder if he loved me as much as he claimed to since he’s happily done this with someone else, I know I was replaced pretty damn quick with rebounds and new relationships which doesn’t do one’s confidence much good! 

I know I sound like a bitter, psycho ex, we’ve been apart now longer than we were together. I am genuinely happy for him; he will be a great Dad, he’s patient and caring with a lot of love to give. But it does just really rankle that he wasn’t prepared to keep his promises to me. I saw him on Saturday night for a friend’s birthday and I gave him my heartfelt congratulations and it was mostly unwakward (or maybe that was the vodka I downed?). It also bought back some not quite so pleasant memories that gave me a particularly horrible dream on Saturday evening, not helped by one of the current storylines in Casualty (although I must say how well acted and sensitively portrayed it has been).

It just feels unfair, he got to pick straight back up and carry on with his life whereas I’m in exactly the same situation that I was in April 2011 when we split. When is it going to be my time? I’ve had no attention at all in all those years, it really makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Am I that unattractive inside and out? I’m not looking for love but a bit of appreciation would be good for the ego.

Not helping said ego is my putting on a kilo this week with no idea how. I ate really well last week and did a lot of walking so where did it come from? It’s enough to disillusion me and make me wonder why I bother when I miss chocolate so much (and especially when the café at the front of work does a particularly fine white hot chocolate)!  The usual response I get when I complain is “Just give up then” which isn’t particularly helpful when all I’m looking for is a bit of encouragement, there’s not much I can do to impress people but the weight loss seems to have and I don’t want to let people down as is my normal pattern.

Hopefully the next blog will be a little more chipper.

Love Jen

XxxX