How not to have it all together by the time you're 30.......

There's been lots of discussion amongst my group of friends lately about us all turning 30 next year, weirdly most of our birthdays are pretty much within a few weeks of each other - I'm up first at the start of June followed by Lydia, Hilary & Barry in mid-July and Luke at the end of August, Jamie is the odd one out in October - loser! But I digress.

 

Way back in the distant past, ok when I was 17/18 30 seemed a lifetime away, middle aged and boring I thought. I remember someone I worked with saying to me on the eve of my 21st birthday party that after 21 there wasn't anything significant to look foward to until your 30th birthday party. To be honest I didn't take much notice, 30 still seemed like forever away.Now it feels like it's almost snuck up on me, I can't hang on to the delusion that I'm in my mid-20s and still have ages to get it together. I'm exactly one year, 3 months and 10 days away from the big 30 and in case you hadn't guessed it's getting to me already.

 

I think a large part of it is that 30 seems to be a mythical age where popular culture tells you that by then you're sure of yourself and have life figured out and are successful and independant. There are so many articles declaring that by the time you're 30 you'll be in a sensible job, settled down with a significant other and possibly small humans (the alternative is that you'll be in a sensible job still but miserably single yet still successful) and with a tasteful wardrobe of Celine blazers and sensible black trousers.

 

Pretty much everyone I know has it together already, a straw poll of my friends from school and college demonstrates the following -

 

Luke & Barry are engaged with grown up jobs

Hilary is a teacher and Jamie does something intelligent with computers and they live together

Lydia is a qualified pharmacist and currently working on her PHD

Alli is married with a little 'un as are Sam & Lou and Holly & Dan (well 2 little 'uns in their case)

Gem & Andy have just bought a house together.

 

Kay & Helen have had trips to visit Lemurs in Madagascar, drooling over Renaissance art in Florence. They've both been to New York (the place I most want to go to in the world!). Helen has hilarious and crazy stories from working behind a bar in various clubs and pubs and Kay has a very fine collection of furbabies! Even Chris and Vana are engaged and Vana has just got her first teaching job *Enthusiastic applause*!

 

I guess all of this makes me feel so left behind, I always thought I would do something meaningful I just didn't know what. At school and college it was drummed into us that we MUST have a life plan and MUST have a career and go to university and MAKE SOMETHING OF OURSELVES. Naturally my reaction to this was to decide not to have a plan - tip don't tell a Mental Gemini that she MUST do something 'cos I'll pretty much do the opposite on principle! I also had it fed to me, especially at primary school, that I was apparently intelligent with lots of potential - which let's face it is laughable looking at me now! But I think it built me up to have far too high expectations of myself and my potential. I'm definitely more of an average Jen than an achiever!

 

If I had to pick a dream job or two it would be as a journalist (I do like writing but then I can never think of much to say - cancelling out the option of trying my hand at being an author)- preferably a music journalist or a aviation/concert photographer. So nothing particularly achieveable there! Instead I've spent the last 10 or so years drifting around admin roles.

 

A large part of the problem is that if I ever do try and take on a more challenging role or one with responsibility, as I have in various jobs, it goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks/month or so and I feel productive and enthusiastic then inevitably my stupid brain lets me down and it all goes to pieces. Put it this way an argument with a dictaphone that wouldn't load onto my computer on Friday was enough to send me spiralling over the edge. Imagine that on my gravestone "She lost a short but intense fight with a dictaphone". So anything high-powered or intelligent is never going to happen (I do however love a good filing session but unfortunately that's not going to put me on the board of directors anytime soon!). 

 

Fail #1

 

Next on the list of "ticks to achieve by the time you're 30" is to be settled down with/without kids. Ah yes well, those of you that have read my blogs and know the history of Jen will be aware that I kind of did this in reverse. I was engaged at 17 and couldn't wait to start a family. I genuinely thought I was set for life, get a full time job as soon as I left college alongside with my fiancee, find a small place to rent and start a family after a couple of years. As I'm sure you've guessed it never happened for various reasons and that fell apart.

 

Looking back on it, knowing my mental illness diagnosis now it's damn lucky that I never conceived as it would have sent me loopy. And in all seriousness I would never be able to look after a child, my moods are too unreliable. And I now there is no way I will entertain the thought of ever being part of a couple, it's too much hard work and frankly I've gotten used to being the selfish person Adi accused me of being in the death throes of our relationship (apparently it's incredibly selfish to want to go on holiday with your friend rather than sit watching him play computer games).

 

Plus I'm hardly a catch, I mean look at me! I'm short, fat with eczema-y skin and scars ..... phwoar!

 

Fail #2

 

So judging by the previous 2 fails there's no way I can even consider any independant living. I'd even be worried about going into a flat/house share, again 'cos I'm so unstable I don't want to burden anyone who will then feel duty bound to look after me. I'd be so full on to live with, at the moment the only space that's 'mine' is my room so I'm pretty contained so to speak. I think living with me unleashed would be a bloody nightmare.

 

I honestly also don't think I could look after myself that well, put it this way when my parents are on holiday I pretty much live on cheesy chips, the odd jacket potato or cheese (or beans if I'm feeling adventurous!) on toast. And let's be honest, if I didn't have to go to work then aside from going to the hutch and back to worship the girls I would never leave the house. I know I would just end up inside four walls and cut myself off from everything and everyone as I don't have anyone checking up on me.

 

I do pretty much need daily supervision!

 

Fail #3

 

 

So that's my guide to how not to have it all together by the time your 30, the perfect manner in which to achieve feck all with your life! For anyone who wishes for a nicely illustrated handbook or spoken word guide I'm sure this can be arranged. Please leave your detail in the comments below!

 

Oh and the final stipulation of a sensible wardrobe? Fuck that! Long live my rockabilly/goth/punk threads and may they forever prosper! 

 

Love Jen

XxxX