Next Tuesday I have my 6 month follow-up with 'my' psychiatrist - sounds terribly important to claim to have a medical professional allocated to you no? I've had two previous appointments, one right at the end of last year and another back in April.
When I had my first appointment I went in assuming that I had either Bipolar II or Cyclothymia (the more rapid cycling less severe younger sibling to Bipolar if you will) and the associated anxieties with it. Firstly it was nice to have a psychiatrist who actually listened to me this time rather than the one two years previously who'd basically told me I was over-anxious, didn't fit into society and was unsure which medication to prescribe me because I was 'heavy' (I was a size 14 at the time - not sure what he'd make of my 16/18 self now!).
At the end of the appointment the Dr told me that he believed that I had a mixture of Obssessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Cyclothymia (as explained above) and Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (otherwise known as Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD). I was a little staggered as I guess I'd gone in with a set idea of what was wrong with me in my mind and had done plenty of reading up on Bipolar and it's symptoms and treatments. To my credit I fully took on board what the Dr had to say which for me is pretty good as I do have a habit of selectively remembering information and accidentally discarding things that don't seem relevant (luckily I did take Mum and Helen - especially when I managed to forget what I was supposed to do with my upped medication!).
I immediately mentally (no pun intended) disputed the OCD, I'm the messiest person known to man, rabbit or unicorn (the only thing I'm anal about are my CD shelves which are strictly arranged according to genre, with artists grouped together and a seperate stack of my most listened to albums - the Nirvana, 30STM, Lady GaGa albums along with MCR's greatest hits and the Top Gun soundtrack since you ask). But apparently some of my biggest anxious thoughts come under OCD in the way that I constantly ruminate on them, the thoughts spiral and I try to find ways to 'check' on them. So yes I have accepted the OCD 'thing' and maybe one day it'll even make me tidy and stop Helen wincing every time she comes in my room and sees the mess.
With the BPD I didn't want to accept it, I guess because it has nasty words like "emotionally unstable" and "personality" with it, it makes you feel like there's something really badly wrong with you as a person. In a way I've been disagreeing with it and fighting with it so to speak ever since. The books I've read use examples that don't seem to relate to me, the websites I've looked at just seem to paint a picture of horrible out of control people. There was even a website that I found when I was trying to research whether women with BPD should attempt to conceive or have children, just out of curiosity I hasten to add, 'supporting' men with ex-wives/girlfriends with BPD who have 'trapped' them into relationships by being pregnant or who are generally 'evil psychos'. Incidentally it would appear that pregnancy & BPD are not happy bedfellows going by various accounts I've read including one where the mother to be threatened to cut the baby out of her stomach!
So I've been almost trying to 'prove' that I don't have BPD so I don't have to face up to it in a way, I'm more than happy to tackle friends and families' problems head on and with great energy but when it comes to me I'm more of a head in the sand kinda gal. So this morning I've been taking advantage of having an office to myself and taking loads of online BPD tests to prove that I don't have it, irritatingly they've all come up that I have a definite BPD type mentality *damn* and that I should seek confirmation from a trained professional *double damn*.
This is a 'sample' one that I took on an American site (the Americans really do seem to have a far better handle on psychiatric diagnosis and treatments than we do) - it does seem to have been lifted from a foreign site (the sentence structures make me think it must be German - 6 years of study didn't go to waste!) so I'll keep it worded as it was - especially as some of it is quite comically written!
Basically you select from 0-3 to agree or disagree with the statements (0 is strongly disagree and 3 is strongly agree).
1. In my family there was substance abuse (alcohol, prescription drugs, narcotics,..)
AND/OR
I'm a habitual or compulsive user of narcotic drugs / alcohol / prescription drugs /..
My selection - 0
2. It doesn't take much for me to fall into anger.
My selecton - 3
3. I still have the same goals and priorities for my life as I had 2-3 year ago, and I also have relatively clear objectives for the upcoming 3 years.
My selection - 2 - I've never really had any goal or priorities so this one was a little hard to answer
4. Sometimes I am falling into deep emotional holes (with feelings of anxiety or depression).
My selection - 3
5. With some people, I have a quite extreme relationship: I deeply love them, but they can also burn me up.
My selection - 1, I figure that 'burn me up' means annoy or upset me but then that's surely normal of any relationship between family or friends? Everyone winds other people up from time to time. Is human nature!
6. Sometimes I feel very lost and lonely, and this can be very hard to bear.
My score - 3
7. It is difficult for me to maintain stable and lasting friendships.
My score - 0
8.
I occasionally hurt myself on purpose
AND/OR
I am prone for smaller or bigger accidents.
My score - 3 but I'm not sure if I should score myself extra for being clumsy??
9. Sometimes, I find myself in feelings of extreme, paralyzing boredom - although there would actually be enough for me to do.
My score - 2
10. "I know who I am." - This statement applies to me
My score -1
11. Sometimes I'm not sure about my sexual preferences or what direction it really takes me.
My score - 2
12. Mostly I find ways and means to achieve my goals. If necessary, I will help for a little.
My score - 1 - also possibly my favourite worded section of the test!
13. Due to psychological problems, I already had contacts with psychiatry (hospitalization, psychological or psychiatri assessment(s) etc.), or it has been recommended to me to see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist.
My score - 3
14. In my life, I occasionally had the feeling to to lose control over myself, to "lose it" or to "go ballistic".
My score - 2
15.
I have memories of sexual abuse or violence (very harsh punishments also count), eg by parents, relatives or other people)
AND/OR
I was left in the lurch by my parents in early ages (eg, separation, given away for adoption, to child and youth homes, nonparental supervision, ...)
My score - an obvious 0! It does annoy me when people assume you must have been abused!
16. I'm often spending much more than I planned.
My score - 1 - I am shockingly well behaved! Especially now that my job pays far less than before.
17. I often get in intense anger, which in some cases can lead to brawls or fights.
My score -2 - it is closer to a 3 but I am able to control it and haven't actually punched anyone, even those irritating people that walk SO SLOWLY in a crowd and slow everyone down! I do often see myself decking them!
18. If I feel very bad, it can lead to such an extent that I am hurting myself (or at least announce to do it).
My score - 2
19. Sometimes I use actions or make decisions without thinking enough about the consequences.
My score -1
20. I am a person with severe mood swings.
My score - 3
21. I tend to "black and white painting", to statements as "that's so.."/"that isn't.." or "You/they always..."/"You/they never..." with no gray area - without closer considerations.
My score -3
22. When I talk to other people, it often happens that they find it difficult to follow my train of thought.
My score 3 - sorry guys! It all seems logical in my head! Perhaps my brain just works too fast for ya'll :P
23. I quickly lose my equilibrium when things go awry / different to what I expected.
My score - 2
24. I have already taken significantly more on a drug than prescribed.
My score - 0 - I bloody hate taking tablets so the thought of taking more than I need to actually makes me gag!
25. If I fall into anger, it takes some time, until I calm (or let someone calm myself).
My score -1
26. Some people say/said about me that I was manipulative and sneaky.
My score 0 - well I bloomin hope not!
27. Within the last 2 years, I had recurrent thoughts of suicide.
My score - 2
28.
When I'm alone,
AND/OR
When I have nothing to do,
I easily get 'cabin fever' / start climbing the walls - boredom or the feeling of emptiness burden me above average.
My score - 2
29. Occasionally, I'm stealing something from stores.
My score - 0
30. There are periods when I tend to binge eating.
My score 3 - CHOC.O.LATE but I just thought that was being female!
31. I'm scared of being alone.
My score 1 - as it depends what mood I'm in
32. When I ought to write a three-page essay on what really matters to me in life, I would not think twice, and could immediately start to write.
My score - 2
33. I'm very afraid of being abandoned by the people I love.
My score - 2
34. If I am under extreme stress, I sometimes have an ominous feeling that I could 'crack up', to be swept off my feet, or to completely lose control of myself.
My score - 2
35.
I have broken many a time trainings, psychotherapy, medical treatment, school, etc., changed or lost my job more than average
AND/OR
I have more broken relationships behind me than other people my age
My score -1 - purely 'cos I've had to leave 3 jobs due to them aggravating my condition/s
36.
Some of my friends, I sometimes wonder whether they really are the right ones for me
AND/OR I often wonder whether my relationship partner is the right one for me.
My score - 0
37. Sometimes I'm extremely bored.
My score - 3
38. I find it not easy to empathize with other people.
My score - 0
39.
Sometimes I can't avoid the feeling that someone pursues me
AND/OR Sometimes I have the feeling that certain parts of my body don't belong to me
AND/OR Sometimes, I perceive things (visually or acoustically) of which I doubt that they are real.
My score - 0
40. I have fears (eg. of blushing, public speaking, of certain animals, from storms, fear of heights, from dirt, from spreading) that I just can't get rid of.
My score - 2 - as I figure this covers my OCDs
So let's assume that I'll finally take my diagnosis on board, I looked up the various treatments availible to help me cope with my problems and there are actually quite a few according to the Royal College Of Psychiatrists (so no weird quack remedies there).
We have -
Mentalisation Based Therapy (MBT) - combines group and individual therapy. It aims to help you better understand yourself and others by being more aware of what’s going on in your own head and in the minds of others. It is helpful in borderline personality disorder.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) – this uses a combination of cognitive and behavioural therapies, with some techniques from Zen Buddhism. It involves individual therapy and group therapy, and is helpful in borderline personality disorder.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) - a way to change unhelpful patterns of thinking. Been there, had about10000 sessions of it and didn't help one jot!
Schema Focused Therapy - a cognitive therapy that explores and changes collections of deep unhelpful beliefs. Again, it seems to be effective in borderline personality disorder. (Is that not CBT in disguise?)
Transference Focused Therapy - a structured treatment in which the therapist explores and changes unconscious processes. It seems to be effective in borderline personality disorder.
Dynamic Psychotherapy - looks at how past experiences affect present behaviour. It is similar to Transference Focused Therapy, but less structured.
Treatment in a therapeutic community – this is a place where people with long-standing emotional problems can go to (or sometimes stay) for several weeks or months. Most of the work is done in groups. People learn from getting on – or not getting on - with other people in the treatment group. It differs from 'real life' in that any disagreements or upsets happen in a safe place. People in treatment often have a lot of say over how the community runs. In the UK, it is more common now for this intensive treatment to be offered as a day programme, 5 days a week.
I've had a quick flick around google for any of these services in and around Eastbourne, I've found loads of Psychotherapists and Counsellors but none that seem to specialise in anything for BPD. So it's all very well accepting this diagnosis but what am I supposed to do about it when there are no services availible?
Did I say dammit?
Love Jen
XxxxX
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