Obviously I need to include a cute Christmas photo of Eos!
So as many of you know I am the Grinch incarnate when it comes to Christmas (also I must say I'm loving the Grinch meal at Macca D's 😆) but believe it or not it hasn't always been this way!
When I was a little kid I was ridiculously excited and absorbed by the magic of the festive season (Dad will confirm there was that Christmas eve when I wouldn't go to sleep until 5am), even as I got older and into my teens I still loved it - even working in retail whilst I was at college didn't dim it for me.
I think it all changed when my depression started properly around the Autumn of 2025 that coupled with some New Years Eves' witnessing some quite awful domestic abuse of someone I knew at the time (I won't go into details as it's not my story to tell but I hope they're healed and happy now). New Year's Eve being something I'm even more Grinchy about believe it or not.
Suddenly Christmas lost it's sparkle and was a day where joy directly contrasted the pit I was in. Not helped by losing two of my dearest friends Nat in 2008 and Kay in 2016 right before Christmas. I started putting up a barrier between myself and the festive season, even going as far as the great Christmas tree take down on Christmas Day of 2013 😆.
Whilst I know there's no way of matching the Christmases of my youth, Christmas Eve in the pub and family Boxing Day gatherings are long gone but I wish I could still feel that same joy.
There were some Christmas highlights over the years - Eos & Norman's first Christmas together when they played all day and of course Mum's and my trips to the Christmas markets in Vienna in 2019 and 2023. Of course last Christmas and this year are difficult since Mum passed away especially as she was the one in our household who loved Christmas. Whereas Dad and I live up to the Scrooge narrative.
I guess I'm afraid of putting my energy into Christmas and repeating other year's depression. I want to decorate my room, listen to Christmas songs, watch Christmas films, judge inferior Christmas markets, look at Christmas displays and be excited for the big day and revel in the joy that I used to feel. I want to enjoy New Year's Eve again and go out and socialise rather than going to bed at 10 and being cross when the midnight fireworks wake me up.
I guess to quote Cindy Lou Who "Where are you Christmas?" And can I get you back?
Love Jen
XXXX 🎄
