Questions, Questions, Questions

So I've now been on the Citalopram dose for a week now, and to give the devil their due they have knocked my anxiety on it's head (aside from a few 'break outs') along with the OCD type thoughts. The nausea that I had for the first few days has subsided thank god! Although the tablets seem to have sent me to a bit of a hypomanic state with rushing thoughts and problems sleeping. At the moment I only seem to be able to sleep in short nap bursts, last night was the first night in about 5 days that I've slept for more than about 3 hours so I am a little sleep-deprived and grumpy!

 

The problem I find with being on so many tablets is I wonder, when I've had a few good days together, is it me? Or is it the tablets? Do I need to be throwing all these extra chemicals into my brain? Am I potentially doing more harm than good? I still think that my brain is permanently fried from years of taking the wrong anti-depressants, my concentration is shot as is my memory. Could it be that being on so much medication is frying even more of my brain? If I stopped my medication would I relapse back into the crazy moods or would I be ok?

 

I've finished the first draft of my Blurt Foundation Project X piece and as I told my story I was struck by how many of my life events are because of my illness. I wonder if my mental problems have eaten away at my 'me-ness'? How much of Jen is left? Are my actions ruled by my 'me' or my condition?

 

Love Jen

XxxX