When will we finally learn to #BeKind?

I don't know about anyone else at the moment who's also struggling with mental illness during the lockdown but from what I've seen on social media there seems to be a real backlash from the Great British Public towards conversations around people's mental struggles at the moment. The recent #BeKind trend on social media seems to have gone out of the window to be replaced with something much nastier.

The worst recepient of this kind of abuse I've seen in the last couple of days is the singer Sam Smith, a long time advocate for mental health and who has spoken about their  (they have asked for gender neutral pronouns to be used) own mental illness, who broke down during an Instagram post due to the effect the lockdown is having on their mental health. Below I've screen shot a straw poll of responses I've seen on Twitter (I've neglected to include those that were just looking for an excuse to hurl homophobic and transphobic abuse at them). 

Thankfully there were some who defended them.

From the responses above there seem to be two themes to people's criticism. Firstly that because they are successful and rich they should somehow be immune to mental illness. Now I'm not a scientist or biologist and really not all that intelligent but I do know that the symptoms of mental illness come from the brain's transmitting pathways becoming interrupted in some cases or certain chemicals becoming unbalanced in others. In fact there are some fascinating scans that show how brain builds can slightly differ between different conditions as detailed in the photo below.

This of course points to the symptoms being of a physical origin and unfortunately I'm pretty sure that however many millions someone may or may not have in the bank they can't be used to re-wire something that's already broken. Just because a broken brain isn't seen it doesn't make it any less valid than having say a broken leg. I would be interested to see if a famous face was to complain about a physical ailment if they would be subjected to the same abuse?.

The second theme I picked up was the comparison between the efforts of the fantastic Captain Moore a 99 year old army veteren who has raised over £14 million (last time I checked) for the NHS by doing laps of his garden, and Sam Smith's tearful reaction on their video. I have to be careful here as I in no way want to cast any disrespect upon Captain Moore, a genuine hero and gentlemen who frankly deserves a knighthood, but I find it quite distasteful that his achievements are being used to attack another human being's response to this situation and being the pleasent man he seems to be I imagine he would feel the same. 

Whilst I'm not going to get into the use of the 'snowflake' term which winds me up so much (perhaps that means I am one? Well I've been called far worse let's be honest! ) the mocking of Sam's tears and underlying suggestion that they are somehow weak in their reaction is typical of the stigma still associated with mental illness. 

This is the very bedrock that the stigma charities and experts have been fighting for years to break down, is built on. The shaming of those of us who struggle to cope because our brains don't work in the same way a large portion of the population's do. There are some really great strides being made by charities such as Rethink, Mind and Time To Change

And of course the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge's Every Mind Matters initiative. Unfortunately the torch and pitchforks on Twitter show that we have a long way still to go. 

Be kind everyone. 

Love Jen

XxxX

Mental Illness Costs Me Once Again

We had an e-mail at work today to confirm that the staff in the hospital with finally be getting their much-deserved pay rise and backdated pay (until April 2018). After god knows how many years of wages being frozen the staff are finally getting their reward.

But obviously with any good news comes a catch. I work on the TWS (Temporary Workforce) which makes me a temp as my hours aren’t guaranteed, I’m lucky in that I have hours in the Secretarial Admin 4 days a week. However despite working 30 hours a week I’ll get neither a pay rise or any backdated pay (to be honest I wasn’t expecting any backdated pay). The lack of a pay rise really stings though.

I’m not going to sit here and rant about my lack of pay rise, it is what it is, what’s really upset me is that yet again my health has put me at a disadvantage.

The reason that I work the way I do is because my mental illnesses interrupt my working life so much, making a full-time job impossible. Even if I was to apply for a ‘proper’ job I’d be immediately disqualified by the amount of sickness I’ve had in previous jobs and this one. I hate that my stupid brain is causing me to earn less than what I believe I should be entitled to, I work damn hard for 8 hours a day through really bad brain episodes but still lose out.

I hate that my mental illness is affecting my life so negatively financially once more. I earn a pittance as it is and it’s a good week when I have more than £10 left over after bills and food shopping for ‘me’. I know many of you will be thinking “Why doesn’t she stop complaining and go and work in Tesco?” well let me put it to you this way, any kind of job adjustment sends me into a spiral of fear and OCD and my personality disorder goes haywire. Do you seriously not think I’d have pursued my journalism dream if my health only let me?

But no as per normal I’m stuck in the mud of my stupid brain.

Love Jen

XxxX

The link between contraception and mental illness

When I saw this post on Buzzfeed I was overjoyed that finally someone else has shared my experience of birth control badly affecting my mental health.

I first went on 'the pill' at 18. I took Cerazette which is taken every day constantly. It went OK for the first month or so but after being on it for about 4 months my mood dived and I went into a deep depression that lasted for years.

Back in 2015 I was referred to Gynae for bad periods and horrible stabbing pain during ovulation. The Dr I saw recommended the coil and dismissed my concerns about the effect it would have on my mental health. I had to ask 3/4 times and eventually he told me that "it will be fine as the hormones will be localised" and insisted that I have the coil.

Almost immediately after I had it inserted I had the worst 6 months of OCD in my life. I spent every day in an agony of fear, to the point of shaking some days. I worked out pretty quick that it must have been the coil causing it as although my OCD had been pretty bad beforehand this was off the scale. I ended up having to demand it's removal which was grudgingly done with the consultant still insisting that it wasn't affecting me in that way.

Mental health and contraception needs to be spoken about more. Women are pretty much told to put up and shut up when it comes to birth control, it's part of a wider issue that needs more than a short blog to debate.

There needs to be a far wider public awareness and discussion about hormones and the effect they have on our mental states.

I hope eventually that no-one has to suffer the crippling problems that I did.

Love Jen
XxxxX

The Story Of #MeToo

Today I want to tell you a story, it’s about an 11 year old girl just started Secondary School and nervous and miserable as hell. “Why can’t I just get on and fit in like everyone else?” “Or get some attention from the (rapidly forming) in-crowd and make friends with them, surely there’s room for one more” our heroine asks herself. Well dear readers her wish was granted just not in the way she thought.

It was a normal kind of day for young Jen, she’d walked in the school entrance with dread and was dutifully waiting outside her tutor room trying to make herself as invisible as possible from her now-departed friends, for they had far better things to do and far cooler people to talk to, and the rest of the class. Whilst deliberately looking away from everyone so as not to make eye contact Jen noticed a boy coming over to her, he was one of the cool popular boys, “Does he want to talk to me?” wondered Jen in shock but sadly it was not to be. In front of all his friends he walked up to Jen and roughly grabbed her butt and had a good feel between her legs whilst he had the chance much to the sneers and laughter of his friends.

It’s a story that my brain had buried deep in its recesses, covering it with other memories of bullying and embarrassment. It literally popped out during a counselling session a month or so back and now I’m ready to tell you about it.

Looking back on it a lot changed that day that would affect me from then on. When I told my parents about it in a distressed manner later on that day they were furious and went to the school the next day to see my head of year. Nothing was done, the boy in question got a detention and I lived with the repercussions for 5 more years. After the detention had been served I was mocked for ‘telling’ on him and was made to think that I’d made a fuss out of nothing and caused trouble for him. From then on despite grabs of my boobs, being felt up in a stairwell and so on I stayed silent, I tried to think that in between being told I was ugly that I  surely can’t be that ugly if some of the guys wanted to cop a feel? Plus if your boobs are being grabbed in full view of a teacher at the front of a classroom it’s ok right?

It’s only now after speaking to my counsellor that I can admit to myself that yes I was sexually assaulted and no it wasn’t ok. Admitting is technically the wrong term, it implies that I’m in the wrong for what happened and I damn well wasn’t, I can see that now. I was publically shamed by his actions and further shamed by attempting to gain justice for what happened to me. I’m starting to take ownership of what happened, I can see that it now links to a lot of my other issues. My discomfort and freaking out if people are in my personal space (put it this way I’m stuck with Liam Gallagher-esque eyebrows because last time I had them done  having the woman stand over me to thread them gave me a panic attack). It explains why in a way I hide behind being fat and feel relief that no-one can find me attractive.

It caused my greatest shame and biggest hurt, the inability to have sex without excruciating pain. Despite being in a loving relationship with my fiancée in the nearly 7 years we were together there was never an occasion that I didn’t feel like a knife was being twisted between my legs. It makes sense now, my body’s defence mechanisms were coming up, I was physically remembering what had happened even though my brain was racking itself trying to work out why I was such a frigid freak. I put up with it as I didn't want my partner to 'miss out' on what he was 'entitled' to from our relationship. 

I get told off by my counsellor when I try to say that it could have been far worse, at least I wasn’t raped etc, I’ve learnt that sexual assault is sexual assault whatever degree it is. The incidents were non-consensual sexual contact and I suffered and continue to suffer for it. I was also stuck with my abuser and other boys who felt it was ok to grab my boob etc for 5 long years without seeing any justice and being pretty much hung out to dry by the school.   When I was added to a school reunion group the guy who did it was in there, his profile picture is him with two small boys who I assume are his kids. I wonder if he remembers now what he did, whether he’s gotten over the ‘injustice’ of his detention. Mostly I hope that he brings his kids up to have more respect for women’s and girl’s bodies than he did.

#MeToo

Love JenX

xxX

A Cure For Intolerance?

I can't believe I'm actually seeing this on my Sky Timetable. I've heard before about attempts to 'cure' gay people and it makes me feel physically sick.

If you're looking at it from a religious point of view, in attempting to 'cure' the way a person feels and loves, would that not be denying the way that God (or whoever you worship) has created them? If your almighty deity has made something or someone a certain way should that not be set in stone?

Surely any 'god' would be more interested in whether a person is living their life as a good person. Being kind, generous and tolerant towards other human beings is what matters, not who you love.

Another thing that make me furious is that you wouldn't see a programme allowed on TV that endorses Islamic Extremism, Violence or heaven forbid Paedophilia. To me suggesting that a large percentage of the world's population is somehow 'broken' is just as dangerous a message. I personally would be just as concerned about my child or teenager coming across this propaganda as messages from ISIS.

In this world of hate surely we can celebrate love of all kinds?

Love Jen
XxxX

Who you calling fangirl?

This morning I got an email from EMP (online store for lots of punk & goth pretties) advertising "This Is what fangirls wear on the beach" . Now I admit due to already being in a foul mood due to work issues, PMT and losing my beautiful Stellybear a week ago but I really lost my rag with this.

The term 'Fangirl' really winds me up. It's normally used to describe female fans of artists or bands who constantly squeal and hyperventilate over Twitter/Facebook, worshipping them and obsess over their favourite member/s (don't even get me started on the creepy trend I've seen on Instagram and Twitter of referring to musicians as 'Dad' or 'Mum' it makes my skin crawl). Unfortunately the Fangirl label seems to be handed to any of us gals who are into music.

It would appear that due to having boobs and a vagina that I can't be trusted to like bands without going all teenage about them. Now when I was a teenager I was fangirly over bands with members I had crushes on (Hi 911, A1 & N*Sync - actually lets face it I still like N*Sync and Justin Timberlake is still hot) and cared more about that than the output of musical quality. I didn't have the apprehension that I do now when a favourite artist releases a new album as to whether I'll like it or not.

So my protestations that I like 30STM, Nirvana, Lady GaGa, Green Day, Deap Vally et all for their music are apparently misguided. If I get asked one more time "Ah so are you a Jared fan then?", with matching smirk, when I'm talking about Mars' music I may actually commit murder. Shockingly I got into them before I knew who the hell any of them were. I heard Attack on the radio and thought it was awesome and the rest as they say is history. I know the next argument will be "But you've seen them soooo many times and been abroad" well yes I have *slow clap* but they are quite frankly one of the best live bands I've ever had the fortune to see and whilst I can afford to I shall continue to do so.

I'm not going to lie and saw that I don't find Jared & Shannon from 30STM, Lady GaGa & Billie-Joe from Green Day attractive because frankly they fit my 'Tattooed rock n roller' taste. But it irks me that people assume that it's the only reason I like them. Put it this way I'm not going to listen to/go and see someone just because they're aesthetically pleasing.

And in answer to what do I wear on the beach? It mostly co-ordinates with my Top Gun hat and camera as I'm plane geeking!

Love Jen

XxxX 

Ps Dear 30 Seconds To Mars if you don't release your goddam album soon I'll be covering my Triad tattoo with a portrait of Justin Bieber!

Making Your Mind Up

With just 2 more days to go until the General Election the political parties and broadcasters are ramping up their campaigning, fighting for every single vote. There is also a lot of work being done to ensure that young people register to vote and take part in the democratic process.

This means harnessing youngsters' attention across social media, TV, radio, music and more. I think it's incredibly important to make sure they're included in politics as to use a cliche they are the future. However I am getting quite annoyed with the biased way they are dictating to the same demographic who to vote for.

Last week's NME dedicated it's entire front page  and leading article to Jeremy Corbin & Labour's campaign inviting readers to ask questions and detailing the Labour manifesto. Mike Williams uses his Editor's letter to tell the readership to vote for Corbin as does Leonie Cooper in her opinion column. Tomorrow's issue of Kerrang! also promotes Corbin's campaign.

My problem with the coverage isn't because they're worshipping Labour, they are perfectly entitled to give their opinions on who they believe are the best candidates. What worries me is that whilst they are encouraging young people to make their voices heard they are only presenting them with one option.

There are currently 12 different parties represented in the UK Parliament, all who are up for election in their various constituencies across the country. Surely they should all be covered too? NME derides Theresa May and the Tories as a danger to the country hell-bent on sending us all to poverty to keep the rich comfortable. But should they not give equal, or at least some, column inches to what the Conservatives, Lib Dems, Green Party, SNP or even UKIP have to say?

Whatever your political beliefs surely you must agree that it's equally dangerous to give young voters the message that only one party is the answer, without mentioning other parties' policies or pledges. To be fully engaged with the political process everyone needs to do their research, to understand what each party is offering. Not to be dictated to by the media and biased left or right wing coverage.

My plea to anyone, young or old casting their votes is to make sure you can make the most informed decision possible as to which box to put your X in on Thursday.

Love Jen
XxxX

Dear Girl Squads Can We Really Sit With You?

Today I want to blog about a subject that will probably get me uber-trolled (if anyone reads my blog/Twitter that is, I may still be safe under a cloak of anonymity!). For a while the buzz phrase around the 'new feminism' has been 'Girl Squad' (or #GirlSquad if you're down with the kids). My understanding of a Girl Squad (and do correct me if I'm wrong) is a group of like-minded females with similar interests who back each other or work towards a particular goal. As the name suggests it's gender specific and it's considered another tool to empower women.

 

I must interject here that I do consider myself a feminist, I believe that anything a man can do a women can do, and vice versa (aside from the obvious biological differences, and to be honest I don't think that my life is any less enriched by my ability to not pee behind a tree). I believe that men and women should be equal in pay and oppourtunites, support and should have mutual respect for each other. I also know that men and women who have had similar experiences of say abuse do need specific gender oriented support so my argument is not against these kind of groups.

 

The problem I have with 'Girl Squads' is, to me, they're just another method of exclusion. The classic Mean Girls "You can't sit with us". My group of friends is pretty much split 50/50 between men and women, we're all tight-knit, support each other and have fun so why would we were to block the boys from taking part purely because they have extra appendages? I've always found that men can be just as supportive as women, albeit they may use different methods - a night at the pub rather than sobbing in front of a movie but the important thing is that the support is still offered, demonstrated and gratefully accepted.

 

The most famous Girl Squad of them all is Taylor Swift's group consisting of Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss and Martha Hunt, among others. Taylor is described as the 'ringleader' of the gang and this is where I have another problem, if a squad is about mutual support and equality, why is one person in charge? As an aside I do have to wonder why Taylor Swift is lauded as such a feminist icon. Yes she's beautiful, talented and works damn hard but I can't have been the only one who noticed that when her and her production & management team went en-masse to collect her Grammy the entire team were male ..... It must also be pointed out that she stole her current beau, Calvin Harris, from another woman, hardly a score for the sisterhood huh Taylor?  

 

In a way I think that the Girl Squad is potentially a counter-productive movement, it encourages barriers rather than trying to break them down. It suggests that, once again, one sex is limited in it's abilities and is dismissive of their efforts. Let's be honest, if this was being directed at us ladies there would be outcries, twitter campaigns and the like. And as I mentioned before if there is a boss or ringleader of a squad then that naturally will lead to a mini social hirarchy which will go against the equality these groups are supposed to promote.

 

I'll stick with my 'Mix Squad' and you are all welcome to sit with us!

 

Love Jen

XxxX

How not to have it all together by the time you're 30.......

There's been lots of discussion amongst my group of friends lately about us all turning 30 next year, weirdly most of our birthdays are pretty much within a few weeks of each other - I'm up first at the start of June followed by Lydia, Hilary & Barry in mid-July and Luke at the end of August, Jamie is the odd one out in October - loser! But I digress.

 

Way back in the distant past, ok when I was 17/18 30 seemed a lifetime away, middle aged and boring I thought. I remember someone I worked with saying to me on the eve of my 21st birthday party that after 21 there wasn't anything significant to look foward to until your 30th birthday party. To be honest I didn't take much notice, 30 still seemed like forever away.Now it feels like it's almost snuck up on me, I can't hang on to the delusion that I'm in my mid-20s and still have ages to get it together. I'm exactly one year, 3 months and 10 days away from the big 30 and in case you hadn't guessed it's getting to me already.

 

I think a large part of it is that 30 seems to be a mythical age where popular culture tells you that by then you're sure of yourself and have life figured out and are successful and independant. There are so many articles declaring that by the time you're 30 you'll be in a sensible job, settled down with a significant other and possibly small humans (the alternative is that you'll be in a sensible job still but miserably single yet still successful) and with a tasteful wardrobe of Celine blazers and sensible black trousers.

 

Pretty much everyone I know has it together already, a straw poll of my friends from school and college demonstrates the following -

 

Luke & Barry are engaged with grown up jobs

Hilary is a teacher and Jamie does something intelligent with computers and they live together

Lydia is a qualified pharmacist and currently working on her PHD

Alli is married with a little 'un as are Sam & Lou and Holly & Dan (well 2 little 'uns in their case)

Gem & Andy have just bought a house together.

 

Kay & Helen have had trips to visit Lemurs in Madagascar, drooling over Renaissance art in Florence. They've both been to New York (the place I most want to go to in the world!). Helen has hilarious and crazy stories from working behind a bar in various clubs and pubs and Kay has a very fine collection of furbabies! Even Chris and Vana are engaged and Vana has just got her first teaching job *Enthusiastic applause*!

 

I guess all of this makes me feel so left behind, I always thought I would do something meaningful I just didn't know what. At school and college it was drummed into us that we MUST have a life plan and MUST have a career and go to university and MAKE SOMETHING OF OURSELVES. Naturally my reaction to this was to decide not to have a plan - tip don't tell a Mental Gemini that she MUST do something 'cos I'll pretty much do the opposite on principle! I also had it fed to me, especially at primary school, that I was apparently intelligent with lots of potential - which let's face it is laughable looking at me now! But I think it built me up to have far too high expectations of myself and my potential. I'm definitely more of an average Jen than an achiever!

 

If I had to pick a dream job or two it would be as a journalist (I do like writing but then I can never think of much to say - cancelling out the option of trying my hand at being an author)- preferably a music journalist or a aviation/concert photographer. So nothing particularly achieveable there! Instead I've spent the last 10 or so years drifting around admin roles.

 

A large part of the problem is that if I ever do try and take on a more challenging role or one with responsibility, as I have in various jobs, it goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks/month or so and I feel productive and enthusiastic then inevitably my stupid brain lets me down and it all goes to pieces. Put it this way an argument with a dictaphone that wouldn't load onto my computer on Friday was enough to send me spiralling over the edge. Imagine that on my gravestone "She lost a short but intense fight with a dictaphone". So anything high-powered or intelligent is never going to happen (I do however love a good filing session but unfortunately that's not going to put me on the board of directors anytime soon!). 

 

Fail #1

 

Next on the list of "ticks to achieve by the time you're 30" is to be settled down with/without kids. Ah yes well, those of you that have read my blogs and know the history of Jen will be aware that I kind of did this in reverse. I was engaged at 17 and couldn't wait to start a family. I genuinely thought I was set for life, get a full time job as soon as I left college alongside with my fiancee, find a small place to rent and start a family after a couple of years. As I'm sure you've guessed it never happened for various reasons and that fell apart.

 

Looking back on it, knowing my mental illness diagnosis now it's damn lucky that I never conceived as it would have sent me loopy. And in all seriousness I would never be able to look after a child, my moods are too unreliable. And I now there is no way I will entertain the thought of ever being part of a couple, it's too much hard work and frankly I've gotten used to being the selfish person Adi accused me of being in the death throes of our relationship (apparently it's incredibly selfish to want to go on holiday with your friend rather than sit watching him play computer games).

 

Plus I'm hardly a catch, I mean look at me! I'm short, fat with eczema-y skin and scars ..... phwoar!

 

Fail #2

 

So judging by the previous 2 fails there's no way I can even consider any independant living. I'd even be worried about going into a flat/house share, again 'cos I'm so unstable I don't want to burden anyone who will then feel duty bound to look after me. I'd be so full on to live with, at the moment the only space that's 'mine' is my room so I'm pretty contained so to speak. I think living with me unleashed would be a bloody nightmare.

 

I honestly also don't think I could look after myself that well, put it this way when my parents are on holiday I pretty much live on cheesy chips, the odd jacket potato or cheese (or beans if I'm feeling adventurous!) on toast. And let's be honest, if I didn't have to go to work then aside from going to the hutch and back to worship the girls I would never leave the house. I know I would just end up inside four walls and cut myself off from everything and everyone as I don't have anyone checking up on me.

 

I do pretty much need daily supervision!

 

Fail #3

 

 

So that's my guide to how not to have it all together by the time your 30, the perfect manner in which to achieve feck all with your life! For anyone who wishes for a nicely illustrated handbook or spoken word guide I'm sure this can be arranged. Please leave your detail in the comments below!

 

Oh and the final stipulation of a sensible wardrobe? Fuck that! Long live my rockabilly/goth/punk threads and may they forever prosper! 

 

Love Jen

XxxX

One of those "It's not fair" temper tantrums (with added foot stomps naturally)

Today I'm devoting the blog to a 2 year old style tantrum, with a lot of bunny style foot stamping.

 

It's not fair that I have a condition that causes my mood to turn on a dime without warning.

 

It's not fair that the OCD component of my illness jumps into my head when I least expect it.

 

It's not fair that when I'm not having an OCD attack I'm worrying about when the next one will be

 

It's not fair that when I'm having an OCD patch that I can't stop myself checking on my worries again and again and again and again

 

It's not fair that instead of saying goodnight to my girls and going to bed happily thinking about the kisses I've given them (and they've glared at me for), that instead all I can do is wonder if it's the last time I'll see them and will I open the hutch the next morning to two dead rabbits.

 

It's not fair that I can't have a drink, or even consider getting drunk, because I know that for the next few days I will have a world of anxiety and be intolerable to be around.

 

It's not fair that I am constantly, brain-numingly exhausted. I honestly can't remember ever feeling energetic apart from when I woke up from the anaesthetic I had last year.

 

It's not fair when I can't sleep

 

It's not fair that I have to spend entire Saturday afternoons asleep to try and stop myself feeling so knackered.

 

It's not fair that I drop off asleep when me and Helen are watching TV, wasting the precious time we have together.

 

It's not fair that Helen is ill

 

It's not fair that Kay is dying

 

It's not fair that I had to leave my job because of my illness and my colleagues reaction to, and lack of understanding of it.

 

It's not fair that I have to have days off sick because I wake up crazily anxious and low and have to spend the day sleeping it off.

 

It's not fair that on these days even the act of walking downstairs to make a cup of tea makes me so anxious I feel like I'm going to throw up.

 

It's not fair that my brain feels churned up, twisted and like it's caving in on itself.

 

It's not fair that I always think of the worst case scenario of any event.

 

It's not fair that I start projects or missions with boundless enthusiasm only to get bored or give up halfway through.

 

It's not fair that small incidents (such as an argument with a dictaphone yesterday, blasted things) of things going wrong or making mistakes cause a waterfall of negativity reminding me that I am just generally crap at life.

 

It's not fair that I can't get over past life-events.

 

It's not fair that I internally question EVERYTHING

 

It's not fair when I over-enthusiastically make connections with people and then scare them off, I never ever learn

 

It's not fair when passions I hold dear to me are ruined by my OCD or emotions

 

It's not fair that I never, ever feel good about myself

 

It's not fair that I can't handle praise but will automatically accept criticism

 

It's not fair that I have no dieting willpower

 

It's not fair that I can't contemplate going on holiday for my friends & I's 30th birthdays next year without knowing if I do something awful will happen back home

 

It's not fair that the Propranolol I take gives me crazy half-asleep hallucinations that make me scared to go to sleep on some nights.

 

It's not fair that these hallucinations only happen when my OCD is more stable and my brain has 'worry space' to fill.

It's not fair that I can't appreciate that there are people worse off in the world than me, with genuine life or death worries.

It's not fair that my loved ones have to put up with this!!!!

It's not fair that life isn't fair

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Reasons I Won't Be Running Any Marathons

It's generally the accepted thing in society nowadays to put a brave face or positive spin on whatever malady or unfortunate event befalls you, perhaps it's the remains of the British 'Stiff Upper Lip' culture. Today we read or hear constant stories of people who've lost limbs or have chronic illnesses who go on to run marathons or compete at a top level in their chosen field. And that's fantastic, that they have the strength of mind to get through the adversity, possibly in the manner of the Black Knight from Monty Python who was undefeated despite losing all his limbs! That's a comic example but there are people who through amazing, almost bloody mindedness refuse to be beaten and fight on.

 

I don't know whether it's just me, or whether other people find that this kind of attitude is now the expected thing of everyone with any kind of problem. There's often a culture of "and?" in relation to people's disabilities or problems. A case point being that I felt I had to be back at work 48 hours after a friend's suicide and just carry on as normal. People look down on you if you just say "I can't!" People tutt when they're walking behind someone with a walking stick or in a wheelchair, as if the person should be moving at the speed of the rest of the crowd (admittedly when out with Kay if she gets tutted out I can deploy the 'accidental' elbow to the offender).

 

If you admit defeat and don't achieve anything 'despite your problems' you feel like a failure and weak-minded. I particularly feel this with my mental problems. Because it's an invisible condition, I don't have a stick, second head, rash of any kind (although I seem to have grown eczema all over in the last year, most irritatingly on my face (thank heavens for wearing my hair over it!) you're just expected to move at the same pace as everyone else, have the same abilities and life goals. Or alternatively any mistake you make or something people don't like about you then it's perfectly acceptable to blame the illness. People, I don't wear black, enjoy the company of bunnies and unicorns because I'm ill - I like them because it's me!

 

The last few days it has really hit home how limiting my illness is. Moving into my own place is not an option, I can barely cope with living in my own room on bad days, if I was in my own place I just wouldn't bother to move when I'm on a low. No-one would force me out of bed and into the shower and out the house. When I'm having an OCD breakdown I wouldn't be able to distract myself by talking to someone, it would be 4 walls and my own thoughts. Even sharing with a friend wouldn't work as they'd soon tire of my ups and downs and constant needs for re-assurance and foul moods.

 

Being in a relationship isn't an option either. There's no way I can open my true self up to someone with all my faults and flaws and since good relationships are based upon trust it would be onto a loser straight away! Who wants to be stuck with a clingy person who borders on paranoia? Someone who can be flipped into despair by a percieved slight or cross word or by the same token can flip myself into fury or misery at a moments notice, often without reason.  I'd immediately be in the territory of 'psycho-bitch from hell'. Heaven forbid I meet someone with kids on the agenda, I can't have kids, it's too dangerous. Imagine the physical or emtional damage a mother like me could do to a baby or child? If I can't be employed in the most menial, stress-limited environment lest I flip out how the hell could I cope with the trials and tribulations of looking after a kid? Especially with the high likelyhood of the hormones during pregnancy and birth sending me completely over the edge.

 

So how does one achieve what's expected of my by society when I can't -

Be trusted to live on my own or look after myself

Be in a relationship

Have a 'good' job

Have kids

I'm pretty sure that running a marathon isn't going to help that!

 

Love (weak mindedly) Jen

XxxX

Flying The Flag For Teenage Goths

A study on the BBC Website has today reported that teenage goths are more prone to depression and self-harm (here's the link http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-34065763">http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-34065763), firstly I have to praise the BBC's report for it's balance and un-sensationalism (unlike The Daily Mail's doom-predicting article about the Emo movement http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-566481/Why-child-safe-sinister-cult-emo.html">://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-66481/Why-child-safe-sinister-cult-emo.html which still makes me die laughing - no pun intended).

 

As a late teens/early 20s and now (sadly) late 20s part-time goth I do concur with a lot of what the report says. One of the teenagers interviewed points out that she was depressed and self-harming long before she became a goth, she says that when she discovered the alternative lifestyle it's music was a comfort to her and was the first type of music that reflected what was going on in her head.

 

As I now realise with hindsight being the wonderful thing that it is, I've in a way always been a bit depressed (at primary school I just thought everyone had days or moments when they wanted to cry or hide) as part of my Borderline Personality. Music and (as much as you can have as a teenager) lifestyle-wise I was about the same as everyone else until I was about 14 - I tried to dress as cooly as the popular kids and listened to the same pop, dance and rap music. My cultural awakening so to speak was when the Nu-Metal wave appeared with bands like Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park and punk-lite bands like Blink 182 and Green Day. It was the time of the classic 'band hoodie', showing your allegiance to your favourites.

 

The bands wrote about classic teenage woes of feeling isolated and no-one understanding you (easy to mock but I still get the same nowadays), best of all they were the complete antithesis to the music and style that the 'cool kids' who made my life hell liked. It felt like a rebellion against them, a rejection of their views about me and showing them that I didn't care. At college there were no uniform restrictions so I lived in my black or purple flared cords and my Nirvana/Black Sabbath/Green Day tops. My eye shadow was black and for the first time I felt confident in my 'look'.

 

Naturally when the 'Emo' movement came around in 2007 it suited me too, admittedly I was probably 5 years to old but ya can't win them all. There was so much good music assoctiated with it too - I loved My Chemical Romance's classic Black Parade album, AFI, Aiden, The Used etc. I guess I was a classic Emo as I lived in black, even more than before, and was going through a very depressed stage with a lot of self-harming. But then again so was my friend Nat and she hated rock music, preferring dance and pop! The dark lyrics were almost a copy script of what my head was saying, they still apply on my bad days even now. The place I worked at the time was pretty casual so I could wear my My Chemical Romance top and black jeans to my heart's content!

 

Nowadays I don't get to 'goth up' as much as I like, it's not particularly work appropriate (although today I've managed a black dress, black leggings & DMs with my 30 Seconds To Mars hoodie to throw on when I leave), although I manage to sneak in plenty of eyeliner and dark red lippies, I also have my favourite MAC Cyber lipstick for the weekends (it's a gorgeous dark purple). I also have the irritating habit of catching a tan no matter how much sun block I wear (I use a Factor 50 kids one for god's sake!) which is the #1 goth fail! I prefer my hair dyed black, if it's any other colour I don't feel like 'me'. I love my piercings and black nail polish - although I have upgraded from Claire's Accessories & Miss Sporty polishes to Avon (my favourite is their liquorice shade) and Opi.

 

I can also make as much 'goth' jewellery as I have room for, today I'm rocking my self-made silver necklace with a skeleton hand, 2 skeletons and a skull on it along with my favorite blue skull ring. Halloween is still my favourite day of the year, it's basically my Christmas, and it's build up is the perfect excuse to make loads of cool decorations - skulls, bats and spiders a-plenty!

 

I guess what I'm trying to get across is that there is nothing 'wrong' with kids turning to a movement that they can identify with, feel included in and supports them. In my opinion a rejection of the mainstrea is a good thing, it shows independant thinking and an open mind to new experiences and cultures. I'm thinking perhaps I should hand out some goth starter packs - some black nail polish, studded wrist band, eyeliner and jewellery!

 

And of course it could be for worse, they could become chavs!

Love Jen

XxxX 

 

There's No Smoke....

Todays's health news buzz is around research showing that E-Cigarettes are 95% healthier for you than regular cigarettes and experts are wondering if, due to this, they should be prescribed by GPs to paitents trying to quit. Health professionals are naturally cautious about this, preferring to promote the other methods such as nicotine patches, advicelines and behavioural therapy.

 

What annoyed me, and is the subject of today's blog, is that if you are trying to quit smoking you have all the support in the world thrown at you but if, like me, you are struggling with mental illness you have barely any access to support aside from emergency services (even the provision of these can be incredibly hit and miss!). Let me just say that I have the utmost respect for anyone battling any kind of addiction, be it cigarettes, drugs etc BUT people chose to put these substances into their body. I didn't decide to try being mentally ill one day.

 

To make sure that my blog was based on facts and not from my assumptions I had a look into Stop Smoking Therapies, you have the choice between group therapy, individual counselling and an advice-line - all for free. When I googled "Free counselling services in Eastbourne" and was first directed to the NHS website which advertised that "Around half the GP surgeries in England provide counselling services and support" . When I went to the NHS choices website to see where the nearest service to me was it turned out that it was at Benenden Hospital in Kent! A 2 hour, 2 train changes and one shuttle bus service away!

 

People are encouraged to quite smoking to improve their health and well-being, reduce the risk of heart attacks etc. What about people who's quality of life would be vastly improved by the oppourtunity to talk through the issues that are making them ill? Depending on which reports you subscribe to they all seem to show that people who suffering from chronic anxiety or OCD have a double or triple risk of developing heart problems due to the condition being equal to suffering from chronic stress. Surely this too should be given the same attention as smoking's effect on a heart's health?

 

We all know that mental health has been underfunded over the years, lots of noise was made during the election about upping it's budget but since then it has all gone quiet. People talk about smokers costing the NHS money, hence why the cessation services are needed, I'm pretty sure that nipping say depression or a person's uncontrollable anxiety or extreme mood swings in the bud will also save a similar amount on admissions and sourcing beds in psychiatric units.

 

The general consensus is that if stop smoking services were charged for then no-one would use them, whilst there is obviously some truth in this, I imagine that if you are despaerate enough to quit then paying a small fee - perhaps only £5/£10 a session wouldn't put you off. The cheapest counselling in the area costs £40 for 45 minutes, there is no way anyone on my salary (which is a large amount of the population) can afford that! So those of use who's lives are ruled by our mental health conditions are yet again left to fend for ourselves.

 

It just doesn't seem fair for one health need to be prioritised over another, especially when it's a condition that none of us have a choice in.

 

Love Jen

XxxX

More Quality Journalism From The Daily Mail

Flicking through Nirvana & Kurt Cobain pins on Pinterest this afternoon I came across this charming article on The Daily Mail's website (webshite more like) from earlier this year http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2586299/Never-seen-photographs-reveal-Kurt-Cobains-Los-Angeles-apartment.html

For my readers from overseas The Mail is a newspaper here in the uk that likes to pretend to be highbrow but in reality fills it's pages with moral panic scare stories about Immigration, the Labour Party, Paedophiles (often directly opposite a story about the offspring of one celebrity or other being papped whilst trying to enjoy a peaceful day out in the park) or telling women how they should or shouldn't look or act.

The article would have  made me laugh if it wasn't written with such smug superiority. Scraping the barrel of reporting once again "a spoon was found that could show evidence of heroin use". Seriously??? Yes we all know Kurt was a heroin addict but a single spoon does not indicate a drugs den! How about the packet of Smarties? With the E numbers they still contained in the early 90s I'm very much surprised that their quality journalism hasn't picked up that they could be used for hallucinogenic purposes! I always remember reading an article in the NME when one of their reporters working when the news of Kurt's death broke was contacted by "some plummy voiced hack from The Daily Mail asking about 'this Chuck Cobain'" says it all doesn't it?

Looking at my floor I guess that the Mail would assume from the pair of socks and copies of Vogue and Marie Claire (plus the annoying leaflet inserts that come out of them) that I am a dangerous, superficial fashion obsessive who must be stopped! The truth is I like me a bit of couture, the socks are there to be worn this evening. In truth all it tells you is that I'm a bit messy. Which apparently is a newsworthy crime!

What winds me up the most is the use of someone's very real battle with mental illness and drugs as cheap entertainment. The Mail were one of the worst when Amy Winehouse was still alive, hounding her with glee then proclaiming what a tragedy it was when she died.

So Daily Mail we may be here but please feel free not to try to entertain us.

Love Jen
XxxX

Why (believe it or not) Bipolar Disorder really isn't that funny!

This morning I've been catching up on the mental health social media threads I follow and come across the story of the card retailer Joy and the offence it's caused with it's design "Don't get mad take Lithium".

The thing that made me angrier than the thoughtlessness of the card was Joy's response via it's Twitter account mocking anyone with Bipolar who may see the card stating "they'll like it one minute and hate it the next?" (you can see screenshots of the exchange at the top of this post - credit to The Independent ‎http://ind.pn/1Dsh1GM ). 

Now I've been in the Brighton Joy store on a number of occasions and their cards are funny, but I don't recall ever seeing any of their other cards mocking other illnesses. I can't believe that in this day and age a company can get away with such callous attitudes to mental illness. ‎There's being irrevant as they claim to be and then there's being downright insulting. 

I live with Bipolar Disorder and can assure the top bods at Joy that it is no laughing matter. Whilst I try to take my condition with the best possible humour, often making jokes at my own expense, I wouldn't‎ dream of joking about the condition generally or those suffering with it. 

I'm trying to see how Joy finds a condition that can cripple someone's life and cause serious damage to those‎ around them so funny. Perhaps I'm missing what's so hilarious about being slave to my mood condition and it's ups, downs and accosiated anxiety disorders? 

Bipolar can cause the break-up of relationships, problems with employment (as I can vouch for at the moment), hospitalisation or worst of all suicide. Joy's seeming belief that Bipolar sufferers will "like something one minute and hate it the next" is grossly innacurate. Even with my fairly rapidly cycling moods I don't change my mind or personality from minute to minute and I certainly don't change my mind about what is right and wrong on the flip of a coin! 

I hope that Joy and other retailers who think that it's acceptable to use mental illness as a platform for a cheap laugh will take note of the public response and realise that if the general public can move with the times then so should they.

Love Jen

XxxxX

It's Only Rock N Roll (But I Like It)

I had to jump on the band wagon (no pun intended) eventually and give my view on Wednesday night's Brit Awards ceremony. Now let me first of all issue a disclaimer: I am a self-confessed music obsessive (possibly bordering on music snob) and there are few subjects that I'm more passionate about. With that said whilst I am a rock chick at heart and always will be I do have a fairly broad musical taste that covers Pop, Dance and even some classical too, mixed in with the occasional rap tune. I have to admit I didn't have high hopes for my enjoyment of the show when I read through the lists of nominees and didn't recognise half of them! I must also confess that I didn't watch the entire ceremony and came in around 9pm (after a most exciting episode of Waterloo Road but that's an entirely different story) but I use the assumption that nothing spectacular happened during the first hour of the show.

I was going to avoid watching the show on principle as I knew that it would be fixed for One Direction to win at least one award. Now let me make it clear I'm sure they are lovely guys who can sing else they would never have gotten through to be made into a group on the X-Factor. But my god does it wind me up the way in which Simon Cowell has pretty much bought them all their success. Bear in mind this is a group who only came third on a show voted for by the public. However since then the Cowell machine has gone into overdrive, paying the media to give them numerous column inches, magazine covers, declaring them to be the "biggest band in the world" before their first album was even out! At last year's show an award was created especially for them celebrating their "worldwide success", I'm sorry but why wasn't an award like this available before?

The Spice Girls were just as big, if not bigger, with far more of a cultural impact but, conveniently, they weren't managed by Simon Cowell. In fact, fact fans, Mr Cowell tuned down the opportunity to sign the Spice Girls! He tried to create a rival group in the late 90s called Girl Thing who spectacularly bombed. Girl Thing are currently appearing on ITV's Big Reunion and recounted their story of a publicity machine that engineered magazine covers, a series on GMTV showcasing them on their 'tour' signing autographs for their '100s of fans', is this starting to sound familiar? I just feel that bands and artists should have to earn such coverage, maybe it's my rock & indie background, but I think you need to prove you're worth the hype.

But returning to my original point, I remember 90s Brit Awards that were always guaranteed to have bad behaviour, excess and general stupidity but it was so much fun! The first Brit Awards I remember watching was around 95/96 when Jarvis Cocker invaded the stage during Michael Jackson's performance setting the precedent for years to come. Who can forget Chumbawumba throwing the bucket of ice water over John Prescott? Or Robbie Williams inviting the Gallagher brothers to have a fight live on TV. The hilarious appearance of DJ Brandon Block trying to hijack Ronnie Wood presenting an award. Then there is the obvious classic of Geri Halliwell's Union Jack dress, regularly voted one of the most iconic dresses ofall time! Us Brits really used to know how to throw a party! I think the most 'Rock N Roll' part of this years ceremony was James Cordon & Nick Grimshaw's highly staged "snog".

Over the last decade the Brits have gotten, well, boring. The first nail in the coffin was the year that the organisers banned alcohol (early 00's I believe). They wanted to appeal to audiences across the world, namely America and thought that boozed up bands wouldn't be well received. It's been down hill ever since. The thing that frustrates me is that America has plenty of it's own awards shows – The Grammys, The VMAs to name but a couple. If they want formal, well-behaved artists thanking everyone at the record label then they can watch those shows but please let us have our awards back in all their former glory! The UK invented Rock n Roll for gods sake and exported it to America. We've also been behind a large percentage of the most exciting musical innovations over the decades – Hard Rock, Punk, Metal, Dance/Rave. America has an amazing musical heritage, don't get me wrong (my favourite band are American so it would be hypocritical of me to say anything bad about their music scene!) they bought us New Wave, Rap, Thrash/Speed Metal, Motown & Grunge.

But please, please, please let us do music awards in our own, often clumsy, sometimes cringeworthy, occasionally brilliant, but uniquely British way!

Love Jen

XxxX

The Day That Urban Outfitters Declared Me Fashionable!

So according to the bods at Urban Outfitters the top trends for 2014 are Anorexia and Depression! Well for the first time in my life it appears I'll be semi-trendy, admittedly I have some work to do on the anorexia side of things but all in good time...

Whilst I will try and take a lighthearted view of my own depression problems, I simply cannot make a joke of the latest mocking of mental health problems by a large (and until now) reputable shop chain. In their wisdom Urban Outfitters have decided to stock the two items in the photo below -

On the right we have a grey t-shirt bearing the caption "Eat Less" on an already gaunt and generally ill looking model. I could go into an entire rant about how terrifyingly thin she looks but that is another post for another day. What disturbs me the most about this shirt is firstly the mass-marketing dictation that skinny is the ideal shape for all women. There will be impressionable 12-13 year olds looking at this top whilst their bodies are changing due to puberty who will now be feeling fat and ugly because they don't conform to this ideal. Urban Outfitters may well use the excuse that girls this age aren't their target demographic but that is not the point, sending this message to women of any age is a disgusting and poisonous thing to do. 

As if the body facism wasn't enough, ladies and gentleman of the court I now direct you to the top on the left. Here we have an example of the trend of the last two years of the cropped slogan t-shirt bearing the term "Depression". Where to start with this one? Firstly the use of a serious medical condition to sell t-shirts makes me feel frankly sick. Would having a t-shirt emblazoned with "Heart Disease", "Brain Hemorrhage" or "Cancer" have passed the taste watershed? I think not. 

Sadly we have yet another case of the powers that be seeing mental health as an easy target to joke or to be (to quote hipster's favourite terms) 'ironic' about. You may argue that Urban Outfitters are merely a clothing chain of little influence but in the eyes of teens, young people and more middle-aged to older people than would like to admit to it they, like many other such chains, hold up an idealised life-style and all the values that come with it. 

In the most basic terms Urban Outfitters are telling us that eating disorders and mental illness are trivial, fashionable conditions that can be thrown out at the end of this season and forgotten about. Unfortunately it doesn't work like that. Whilst the fashionistas and trend-setters of this world will be in search of the next big "thing" people like me with mental health problems or with eating disorders or with terrible conditions like Body Dysmorphic Disorder will still be struggling to cope and heal. 

Conveniently the offending items are no longer listed on Urban Outfitters' website and I imagine that they will be concocting a watery PR statement as I type stating how sorry they are to have "caused offence" (might I suggest a donation to a charity such as Mind to show how truely sorry they are?). In reality the statement will be made and this will have all been forgotten in a couple of days by the media and 90% of the social media world. It will only be us who are directly affected by the problems that the chain deemed to be "cool" who remember and wonder to ourselves that in a supposedly modern, tolerant world why is it still ok to trivialise mental health problems?

Love Jen

XxxxX

My Big Fat Rant

This morning BBC news featured a report of a study that recommended that instead of trying faddy diets people should be encouraged to develop a more positive image of their bodies. This comes conveniently in a week where the (stunning!) actress Jennifer Lawrence called for a ban on the media calling people 'fat' and revealed that she is considered a 'fat' actress as she fails to comply to the Hollywoodwaif ideal (full story herehttp://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-25427990 ) . If Jennifer Lawrence is considered fat then I'd hate for Hollywood to meet me, they would choke on their coconut water or whatever fad they're following that week to keep their weight down!

Going back to this morning's report it's findings were that if you have little or no body confidence then you will find it even harder to lose the weight and get fit. I myself can concur with this, at 5ft 5 (6 on a good day!) and a size 18/20 and probably border on obese and as you can imagine have a body confidence rating of zero. Add to this a sit down office job and myunpredictable moods then I'm reaching for the chocolate by 9am on work days (although I did shock my work colleagues last week by making it 'till exactly 8 minutes past 2 before diving into the Quality Street next to me).

I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer Lawrence's wish for "fat" to be on the list of unacceptable terms in schools and in the media. People may argue that it's just a word and what harm can it do? I invite them to apply the same reasoning to some of the racist or homophobic terms that have thankfully become socially unacceptable, judging people because they are different to you is wrong however you look at it. I was called fat by bullies at both primary and secondary school, even though then I was a healthy size 12/14 –although the people providing the insults were underdeveloped (physically and mentally in my opinion, but that's a different story) and stick thin. I would have given anything to look like them but it was physically impossible, I just wasn't built that way. As an adult I'm still shocked by how many people feel it's perfectly acceptable to make snide comments about my size or worse make comments then laugh them off as a joke, if someone has a problem with my size I'd much rather they came out and said it. Why should people be allowed to comment on me being big but I can't comment on their large nose, bad skin or awful haircut?

Even when I was thin, a size 8-10, through eating as little as humanly possible I felt fat (put it this way I could get into size 8 super skinny jeans that my big toe wouldn't squeeze in now!). My weight went up over the years from medication and illness (doctors lie when they tell you that Anti-Depressants don't make you put on weight!!!!!!!!), I did manage to lose some after a change in job a few years back, 30 kilos to be exact, but again even though I was a 12/14 I still didn't like'me' so in a way the weight loss was wasted on someone who didn't want to go out and show it off!

There is a campaign to change people's attitudes tolarger people, especially us gals. There are some website that now stock some gorgeous clothes for plus-size ladies, especially goth clothing websites selling corsets etc, I don't care what you say no SkinnyMinnie can compete with a curvy girl in a corset! My love of vintage clothes is also catered for by Collectif and Lindy Bop who make beautiful reproduction vintage clothing up to a size 24. There are bloggers like the fantastic @Bettypamper and her Pamper & Curves blog http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/  where she (quite rightly) declares that she is a plus size hottie (the image at the start of this post is taken from her post http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/dropping-f-bomb.html , I own two of the "Killer Curves" top she produced and wear them with pride.

So what I'm really trying to say is (and this goes for me too) be proud of who you are, whether you're fat, thin, in-between, old, young, stripy or polka dot ………. Actually being polka dot would be pretty damn awesome you know ……..

Love Jen

XxxxX

My Fightback Against Poor Mental Health Care

As I've mentioned in previous blog posts I had a pretty horrendous experience during a psychiatrist appointment last year and so I have formulated a letter of complaint that I sent off earlier today. I have obviously removed all names and identifiable information of the people involved. Please let me know what you think. 

"I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with my assessment by your psychiatrist in April 2012.

I was referred to your service by my then GP *******, as I was exhibiting symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and received an appointment with Dr ***** Consultant Psychiatrist.

During the appointment which lasted a mere 10 minutes I was given the impression that the doctor had made up his mind about my diagnosis before I even entered the room. His line of questioning mainly focused on my childhood despite my repeated protestations that I had a happy and normal upbringing and a good relationship with my family.

When it came to discussing my symptoms the doctor seemed to gloss over my descriptions and explanations of why myself and my GP thought that Bipolar disorder was a possibility. 

I was dismissively told "you cannot have Bipolar as you have never had a psychotic episode" which is contrary to much of the clinical evidence presented on reputable websites such as the charity Mind's. In Mind's booklet "Understanding Bipolar Disorder" pages 6-7 list 7 different types of this condition, with only one characterised by psychotic episodes.

The doctor then proceeded to dismiss my depressive symptoms as "not being that bad" despite me describing to him my frequent self-harm and occasional suicidal thoughts. I was told that amongst my anxiety symptoms my social anxiety was because I "didn't fit into society".

As you can imagine I was incredibly unhappy with the tone and outcome of the interview. These feelings were further compounded when I received a copy of the doctor's report to my GP.  The letter was opened by Dr ****** complaining that I had been referred to him in error, if this was the case then why was an alternative appointment not arranged with the correct psychiatrist?

The doctor then proceeded to list my history, unfortunately most of this was incorrect; for example he stated that I had worked for the NHS all of my working life despite me clearly telling him that I had worked for the NHS for just 18 months at that point. He also stated that I showed symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, this was never discussed in the appointment. My anxieties were discussed but OCD was never mentioned. My subsequent research into OCD drew no similarities between my symptoms and that of an OCD sufferer. I was prescribed an anti-depressant & an anti-anxiety drug and dismissed from his caseload.

Over the last year since that appointment my moods continued to be erratic, switching between deep depressive episodes and feelings of euphoria and over-excitement. To try and help me, my place of work referred me to a psychologist through Occupational Health.

During my first appointment with Dr *****, when my full history of mental health problems were explored, she stated that it was a serious problem that my moods were this erratic and having an incredibly detrimental effect on my professional and personal life.  

After a week of tracking my moods and reviewing the results (I had also spent 2 weeks tracking my moods in preparation for my appointment with your psychiatrist but was told "I don't need to look at them") Dr ****** recommended that I was put on a Mood Stabilising drug as anti-depressants were actually making my symptoms worse. I have now been prescribed a mood stabiliser through the Psychiatrist that covers my current GP practice *********.

I am incredibly unhappy that I have essentially wasted a year and a half taking ineffective medication that potentially made my symptoms even worse. Whilst this may not seem like a great deal of time in the great scheme of things, to someone suffering a mental illness this seems like a lifetime.  If I had been listened to and not just dismissed by your doctor then I may well be far further down the road to stabilising my disorder and getting my life back.

To recap my main points of complaint are the following –

·       The dismissive attitude to my face and in writing by your doctor and the compounding errors in his report

·       The doctor evidently not paying attention to what I was telling him and prescribing me ineffective medicine potentially worsening my symptoms.

Whilst I appreciate from working for the NHS that we are under a great deal of pressure and budget constraints I don't believe this excuses the attitude that was displayed to me both on the day of my appointment and in the follow-up report.

I look forward to receiving your comments in due course."

Obviously if I get a reply i'll post it up here, I just feel that we need to challenge poor mental health care else it will never change for the better. 

Love Jen

XxxxX