EMDR Diaries - Chapter 1

For those of you who have the, er, pleasure (?) to follow me on social media (Twitter jenraefrances and Instagram jenraefrances very original I know!) you'll have see than I've started a treatment called EMDR (Click here  for more info about EMDR, if that's a bit wordy then a YouTube link is coming up!). 

The aim of EMDR is to help the brain re-process traumatic memories which will, in theory, 
 help stop my extreme reactions to certain stimuli and triggers. My Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) has been worsening since the summer which lead to me attemping suicide back in August (See my blog Cold Hard Facts - ***Trigger warning***). Whilst my bad memories will always be there, this treatment won't magically erase them but it will allow my brain to process the bullying, assault, loss etc correctly and hopefully lessen their impact.

I found a really useful YouTube video that explains it in a less Sci-Fi way. 

This video shows how an EDMR session works -

Before I started the treatment I was warned by my counsellor that the treatment can be tough as I'll be connecting with a lot of memories and emotions that my brain has repressed. I've been warned that I'll feel very unsettled for a number of days after each session There was also the likelihood that I'll have physical symptoms like tingling and twitches as my brain works to re-wire itself. To try and counter-act this my counsellor and I have been working on 'safe places' in my mind that I can access after the sessions to calm me such as airshows and happy memories. I have a long list of bad things to tackle, the usual suspects - bullying, loss etc so this will be a long slog. 

To start me off as gently as possible my counsellor, Helaine, has decided to start with the 'Memory Stick incident' from back in 2014. When you read any of my blogs from the summer of 2014, prior to being signed off in the Autumn, you'll be able to see the state I was left in (my blog Stuck from the time gives an idea, just bear in mind that at the time I was still working on the theory that I had Bi Polar rather than BPD). Now that I'm long gone from that job I can explain more about what went on and what the EMDR will be tackling. 

To cut a long story short whilst working for a local NHS Team I posted a memory stick to a nursing home containing patient information and it was lost in the post. This kicked off a massive incident as of course patient privacy was compromised (something that I never argued against and went out of my way to own up to), during the course of this it was decided to review my recent work and it was found that I had sent an information pack to an incorrect address (I still maintain that I was given the wrong details but that's neither here nor there). After that all of my work was scrutinised and management were constantly digging for mistakes I'd made. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told that I was "playing the mental health card" to avoid getting into trouble. The whole situation lead to my health spiralling out of control, loads of self-harming and my being signed off of work and eventually leaving. 

As we started the session Helaine asked me to bring this time to mind. I then had to watch the light bar that you saw in the video above for a few moments at a time (initially I made the mistake of trying to concentrate too hard on it and not follow the light bar but it turns out that once you've brought the memory to the front of your mind it stays there even when you're concentrating on the bar). The effect was immediate, I started having random tinglings and small pressures across my chest and throat (these are the spots where I normally 'feel stress', some people get knotted stomachs or breathlessness when they're stressed whereas mine sticks 'higher') and twinges in my shoulders.  

After the initial effects of the tinglings and pressures I actually stopped feeling anything for a little while until I suddenly got really tearful when I was struck by how much I'd loved my previous job working in the records library from 2010-2011 (you can read my memories of the time here). One of the things with the EMDR is that sudden insights will appear either during the session or in the days following about the memory you've been working on. Whilst I won't share the 'insights' I gained about my job I lost the memory stick with as they aren't pretty, I did realise that I was an easy target as I'm crap at standing up for myself or pointing out that I was the sole admin dealing with over 2000 cases, I did gain some interesting insights about my 'happy time' in the library; I realised that work was actually my 'safe space' and helped me cope with crap life threw at me at the time (my Grandad passing away, the breakdown of my 6 year relationship among other things) and still carry on smiling. I realised that I was 'mourning' that time so to speak, not just the job itself or that it was a good time in my life for travelling and having fun. But mourning the loss of that safety, positivity and most importantly the friends I left behind when I moved on, colleagues who made me feel welcome from day one and included me and, most importantly, were only ever nice to me. The ironic thing is that the only reason I left was because my hours had been cut to 3 days a week ....

The session ended with 'grounding' me again, accessing my 'happy/safe' space and putting me back into a calm mindset.

In the days following an EMDR session you can be left quite unsettled both mentally and physically (in some cases apparently you can be left twitchy or tingly for a couple of days). Physically I was fine, aside from some shoulder tension, but I've had a lot of work-related bad dreams or general anxiety dreams. The dreams have mostly been around a different job I had prior to the library when I was bullied (another reason I loved the library so much, no-one screamed across the room or down the phone at me!), having to start working there again and seeing the managers who made my life hell. I've also been quite low and tearful feeling as well as a slight stressed feeling bubbling away in the background. 

My next session will be a week Tuesday and we'll continue to work on this memory until my brain has processed it properly and it no longer brings up the emotional response anymore. After that we'll move onto other subjects which I admit to being quite nervous about, if I cried whilst working through this 'not too bad' memory lord knows how I'll be when focusing on losing Stelly or school. I want to try and keep up a blog of my EMDR experiences on the off chance that someone who's curious about the treatment or, like me, is trying it out for the first time will stumble across it in the depths of the interwebs and might find it helpful.

If the EMDR helps even just a bit then it'll be worth it, if I can have just a bit of breathing space then I can start piecing things back together a bit. It's not a cure and it won't remove my BPD, OCD and self-harming tendencies but what it can do is help unblock my brain to give me a better chance at reigning them in a bit.

Love Jen
XxxX

(Not so) Helpful reccomendations

Well for better or worse I'm still here. It's now been 2 months since I took my overdose and nothing has really changed.

I had my appointment with the psychiatric nurse last week with Mum. I have to say the nurse was probably the first really helpful psychiatric professional I have ever met. She really listened (unlike the woman who did my PIP assessment last month) and actually made me feel like my feelings were valid so I didn't feel as stupid as I do normally. It was hard going, giving a history of all the crap that I've dealt with (which just reinforces a lot of the feelings associated with the experiences), seeing Mum so upset broke my heart and then dissolving into tears as I mentioned Stelly dying a couple of years ago.

Having to face up to everything in appointments like that is horrible. Seeing the effect that my illness has on my loved ones and carrying that guilt with me. I know how hard supporting someone you care about with a mental illness is because of Nat, it's wearing worrying about them, worrying that you should be doing more. I try so hard to keep a lid on what I say or do in front of my friends and family for that reason, but sometimes it bursts out of me and I feel guilty for it, no-one wants tears or a long, moany WhatsApp conversation when they have their own lives and problems to deal with. 

The Nurse, Debbie, has given me information about local services. One of which is a 'recovery college' but none of the courses are applicable to me. There's a centre that I went to for a few sessions that have groups that do things like walking, arts or wood work in the countryside (yeah me and a saw probably wouldn't mix) but it's the group element that's the problem. The thought of mixing with people I don't know is tightening my chest up and clenching my stomach just thinking about it. Another potential issue is that the groups run their own therapy sessions which is great but obviously I already see a counsellor who I'm comfortable with and I really don't want to go through everything, especially the sexual assault, with a stranger. Unfortunately it may have to happen because to have any chance of claiming any kind of help from Adult Social Care or DWP I need to show that I'm engaging with NHS services rather than a private counsellor (paid for by Mum and Dad which i feel awful about), apparently it looks like I can afford private treatment and so don't need financial support.... 

Apparently I should also be going out every day and not sleeping during the day 🙄. Whilst I get the thinking behind it whether I sleep in the day or not tends to have no bearing on whether I sleep at night. Even when I'm exhausted and haven't slept during the day it takes me at least 30-40 minutes to get off to sleep and that's on a good night. I also use naps during the day as a coping mechanism, if my brain is worked up and I'm having bad thoughts or my anxiety is exploding sometimes the only thing I can do is get under the covers and try and nap it out. It's the same as the days (well most days of the week let's be honest) when I'm really bad and even going down to Esme is almost impossible. Going out the front gate just isn't going to happen. 

Debbie also said I need to do things I enjoy etc which would be great if I was getting any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. Due to not having a job and scraping a few pennies from Universal Credit I can't afford to do the things I enjoy, visiting friends, taking myself off somewhere for the day, going to gigs (not that I'm even listening to much music at the moment TBH) just aren't an option, admittedly even if I did have the money just the thought of going out, and having to potentially interact with members of the public, is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat!  I've hardly touched my camera as I just haven't had any interest in snapping anything, plus with the weather being so crap there's nothing to photograph. I spend the day doing cross-stitch (not that I can afford fabric so that's limited) and watching rubbish on YouTube/bingeing on ER (thank you All4 for putting those on) or of course napping. I'd love to say I've decided to use the time to do some learning but I just don't have the brain capacity or concentration anymore. Far too many years of Meds frying my brain methinks.

I just feel that all those positive changes I made last year, diet, exercise, even starting this year off with a new job have now just been for nothing. I ended 2018 feeling OK(ish) with myself whereas it's now the tail end of 2019 and I'm fatter again, poor, out of a job, of no help to my family or friends and just wondering exactly what all this is worth? 

Love Jen

XxxX

Oh and my urgent psychiatrist appointment is 24th Jan next year 🤣 

Slide Away

Looks like things are back to normal after my cheeriness following Dunsfold Airshow a couple of weeks ago (See my previous blog for plenty of geeking) and I’m back on a slippery slope (points to whoever got the Oasis song pun I used for the title of my blog!).

My mood is crap again and I’m back to hardly working again which means that my savings are going down the pan to pay for food and cover my direct debits. This also means that should any gigs or events come up that I want to go to it’s not gonna happen due to my stupid self not being able to cope with the simplest job with lovely work colleagues. Earning on average of £70 a week when I manage even one day is just not sustainable. I’m having to look at going to Citizen’s Advice to see if I’m entitled to any financial help for being ill, which I hate as I feel like I’m one of those Daily Mail-hated wasters with their hands out expecting the state to pay for them.

My weight isn’t doing so great either, I can post all the body-positive photos on my Instagram @jenraefrances that I want but the fact of the matter is that I’ve put on 2 kilos since Christmas because my inner-pig has re-emerged with a vengeance and I’m just too damn tired to walk anywhere. I know the greed and tiredness is mood-related too and the weight that I’ve put on just makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself.

I don’t know what the answer is, I should be in a good place – I enjoy my job, have a puppy who’s always pleased to see me and a rabbit currently tolerating me, my Uncle coming to stay at Christmas and Airbourne and Duxford airshows to look forward too. I just feel so pathetic and whiny at the moment and feel bad for it when everyone is doing their best to help me.

Hopefully the next blog will be more positive

Love Jen

XxxX

 

No Work & No Pay makes Jen really pissed off....

Another week another set of days calling in sick because I'm too depressed to leave my bed and this week I have absolutely outdone myself and managed absolutely no hours at all *round of applause*.

Of course being on the bank means no work no pay makes Jen poor and even more fed up. Jen is unimpressed at running down her gig and social fund to cover her bills and currently wonders how the hell she can cover this sorry state of affairs that her stupid BPD has put her in.

I was thinking back through my long and (not very illustrious) working career and wondering how the hell I went from essentially running a really busy and vital department, with the promise of promotion, to now not even being able to cope with cleaning and delivering food. I mean what the bloody hell went wrong?

Whilst it was my decision to leave the aforementioned job at CMS/Veritek due to the bullying and stress jeopardising the really good place I was in mentally at the time - yes believe it or not I was HAPPY between summer of 2010 (when I left that job) and about Autumn 2011 (when I left the hospital records library to ironically go to full-time work).

Where has my ability to think on my feet, organise important deliveries, schedule stock, generally troubleshoot and even occasionally ignore shrieking managers out to make my life hell gone? How have I regressed so far that I can even cope with washing a floor? Really what the fuck!

So thank you brain for your obvious deterioration in your ability to cope with even the smallest tasks and fuck you for putting me in this situation that I can see no sodding way out of.

Love Jen
XxxX

#TheStruggleIsReal

I'm just going to launch right in here I'm afraid and simply state that life is, quite frankly, hideous at the moment.

My mental health has taken possibly the nose-dive equivalent of a Cristiano Ronaldo dive with a dash of the peregrine falcon about it. It's pretty safe to say I'm by far the worst I've been since I was signed off during the great memory-stick gate of 2014.

I've missed so much work in the last few months I shudder to think how much money I've lost. Whilst I far prefer to be on the staff bank I don't get paid what I don't work. Basically if I was in a 'normal' job I would have begged my GP to sign me off by now and considering the state I'm in I'm pretty sure I'd have that form in my hand right now.

The worst of it is that I feel incredibly guilty for letting the team on the ward I work on down. I've grown to absolutely adore Ward Clerking and really feel horrid when I constantly call in sick and leave them in the lurch. Whilst I'm not directly looking after patients it's the little things I can do to help save the nurses time which I find most rewarding.

But quite frankly I'm in no fit state to be of help to anyone, let alone myself, at this moment in time. I'm getting freaked out at the thought of going to town, making the short walk to the supermarket or anything that involves moving any further down the garden than Esme's hutch.

And to put it bluntly I can't see any way out at the moment. I'm sorry to say this (but when I started this blog way, way back back in 2013 I promised a 'warts n all' depection of living with a mental illness) but yes I have been carrying around thoughts of suicide the last few weeks. I'm not saying this for shock value, or to gain Twitter or Facebook comments (although thank you to those of you who are all so lovely) or to seek some kind of attention. I guess I just want to get across how bad things are at the moment in Jen-world. I can't sleep at night with scary thoughts invading my brain, I almost wish there was a 'safe' way to demonstrate it, to get myself put away for a few weeks to clear my head (I'm not even joking here) but there is no way on earth that I'm prepared to put my family through that, who have been nothing but supportive, far more than I deserve. So much so that this week Mum and Dad have cancelled going away for a few days because they're worried about me, I'm a 31 year old who can't be left alone.

I'm back in counselling each week now, but like any kind of treatment it takes a little bit to titrate. I'm seeing the lady I saw up until spring last year (when I foolishly thought I'd made progress) so at least we can pick-up where we left off.

One of the most irritating aspects of the situation is that I cannot for the life of me pinpoint what's caused this. Yes I've had job uncertainty and upheaval (cheers Med Sec Managers) which is the tip of the iceberg, but this has been building for some time now and I don't know why.

Even my normal go-to lifts aren't helping - listening to music just makes me sad, watching crap on YouTube is getting boring, I can't concentrate on a book or magazine and even my witchy pursuits aren't fulfilling me at the moment despite having really good results with it (see here https://muddlingwitch.blogspot.com/)

I almost wish some physical injury could befall me, that would take me out of action for a few weeks, just a little broken ankle or toe or some such so that I'd have a valid reason to not work or want to leave the house. And yes I know this is utterly stupid.

That's pretty much the shape of it at the moment, please don't be freaking out as I'm sure I'll waddle through it. However if anyone feels like forking out to send me to The Priory or some such all donations will be gratefully received!

Love Jen
XxxX

2018 in pictures

Happy New Year everyone and I hope 2019 has been good to you all so far.

My last blog was my review of 2018's music offerings so I thought that a fun way to tell you about 2018 would be through my other favourite medium; photos! I hope you enjoy 😁

The only polite and proper place to start would of course be photos of Esme! With the beautiful summer (that stopped conveniently in time for Airbourne, but more of that later) it meant I was able to spend most evenings in the run with her (much to Esme's delight).

Really Mum?

We also had lots of fun in the snow that came in March, she rediscovered her love of playing in the white stuff (even if she didn't have Stelly to kick it at!) with the benefit of being able to scamper back onto her heat pad and toast her butt!

I see you taking photos, that must mean you're about to feed me!

Is there anything cuter than bunny prints in the snow?

She made good use of the snow .....

Taking matters into her own paws

At the end of March I was lucky enough to be able to go to two 30 Seconds To Mars concerts in a week in London and Birmingham. It was the first time I'd been to Birmingham and I thought it was a really lovely city, particularly the museum. You can read my waffling and see the photos from the shows in my blog 'My Mission To Mars'.

O2 Arena London

Barclaycard Arena Birmingham

In my other main geeking past time I was lucky enough to go to the Air Tattoo again and even have them read and 'like' my review of it on Twitter.

Ready to geek (anorak just out of shot)

Me and a Tornado - some things never change ...

617 Sqdn Past, Present & Future (L-R Tornado, Lancaster & Lightning)

Unfortunately when it came to Eastbourne's turn to host our annual Airbourne air display later that summer the weather decided to give up on it's glorious weather and soak us in downpours and low cloud. Sunday was completely written off by low cloud, Friday and Saturday thankfully went ahead and some idiot decided to brave the heavy rain on Thursday on the off chance of seeing a Typhoon ......

That would be me then ....

...... Saw my Typhoon though.

The most important aviation event of 2018 was, however the RAF's 100th birthday celebrations that included a mass flypast over London.  I'm really glad I took the decision to go up to see it as it was awe inspiring and filled me with pride, I can also boast that I was there when the RAF flew 22 Typhoons down The Mall in the shape of 100. The noise of the crowd cheering in delight nearly drowned out their engines, no mean feat!

The RAF's new F35B Lightning II's made their debut over London days after touching down on UK soil.

Yay for Tornados

Such an amazing spectacle

The weather did however put on a good show for the day Bente came down to visit. Mum and I gave her a whistle-stop tour of Eastbourne taking in our oldest pub The Lamb Inn, Beachy Head, cuddles with Esme, a castle and finally a beer garden - all the British essentials!

I managed to get a few snaps in 2018 that I'm pretty pleased with -

Lightning between clouds back in May during the craziest storm I've ever seen.

What can I say? I love snow!

A really lucky 'phone snap' early one morning on a coach trip

I upgraded my phone just after Christmas to a Huwawei P20 and the camera is outstanding. This is Orion's Belt the other night.

Another excuse (if I ever needed one) for me to snap away throughout the year was Helen, Mum and I getting National Trust Membership meaning that we can explore as many pretty houses and gardens as we like! 

Pulling some kind of strange pose in my unicorn skirt  in the garden at Bateman's (now far too big since you ask) I could probably smell scones.

Found them!

We've had trips to Nymans.

Mum, Rach and me.

Rach, Helen and me

There was a trip to Bodium Castle on my birthday -

My favourite destination so far is Wakehurst Place (not just for it's gift shop I'll have you know!). We went in the spring and were stalked by ducks and pheasants. 

I discovered the wonder of giant mushrooms

And again in the Autumn (with slightly further away pheasants) 

Sheila, Me, Mum and Rach

Helen and Rach

I absolutely adore this photo that Rach took of Helen and me.

Speaking of lovely photos I was spoilt for choice when Helen and I went to Stratford-Upon-Avon during some gorgeous Autumn weather. I loved it so much that we've booked to go again in April *crosses fingers for good weather*. 

 A walk along the river.

 

Making friends with Arwen the owl!

Helen's gentleman loves Bill and Ben

A slightly unflattering photo of me conveying my appreciation of 'unicorn gin'.

Whilst Helen and I were in Stratford Dad very kindly got cracking on clearing my room ready to be decorated. I documented the process in a few blogs. I now have a Halloween hideaway with room to put all my knick-knacks on display properly. 

There's been some fantastic gin-fuelled nights out -

Old Daves with my work ladies and gents

Wetherspoons for my birthday

Tulley's Farm Fright Night

And of course Cinqo De Mayo!

  My deliberately awful outfit!

 Aldi have answered all my summer prayers with their Gin ice lollies

  Lydia, Jamie, Tone, Barry, Hilary & Luke

  Lydia, Jamie, Tone, Barry, Hilary and Me

Finally I feel that I should be commended that towards the end of the year I made the effort to get into the Christmas spirit with only a few mutters of "humbug" a day. I put a tree up in my room and didn't swear too much at the fairy lights and am now the proud owner of a Christmas jumper (the fact that it's a 30STM one is purely co-incidental). 

Snapchat was of great assistance

Post-Thai Christmas Dinner (hey it worked!) with Rach, Helen and Amanda

Gastro Office Secret Santa!

Christmas lunch at the Berwick Inn (L-R) Jamie, Lydia, Hilary, Me, Tone, Luke and Barry)

Some sensible Christmas Day photos -

Luckily that didn't last long!

2018 was so much fun and I want to thank all of you who've contributed to so many special moments for me. Here's to 2019 and more disapproving rabbits, music, plane geeking, trips, gin sessions and fun!

Love Jen

XxxX