Today I'm devoting the blog to a 2 year old style tantrum, with a lot of bunny style foot stamping.
It's not fair that I have a condition that causes my mood to turn on a dime without warning.
It's not fair that the OCD component of my illness jumps into my head when I least expect it.
It's not fair that when I'm not having an OCD attack I'm worrying about when the next one will be
It's not fair that when I'm having an OCD patch that I can't stop myself checking on my worries again and again and again and again
It's not fair that instead of saying goodnight to my girls and going to bed happily thinking about the kisses I've given them (and they've glared at me for), that instead all I can do is wonder if it's the last time I'll see them and will I open the hutch the next morning to two dead rabbits.
It's not fair that I can't have a drink, or even consider getting drunk, because I know that for the next few days I will have a world of anxiety and be intolerable to be around.
It's not fair that I am constantly, brain-numingly exhausted. I honestly can't remember ever feeling energetic apart from when I woke up from the anaesthetic I had last year.
It's not fair when I can't sleep
It's not fair that I have to spend entire Saturday afternoons asleep to try and stop myself feeling so knackered.
It's not fair that I drop off asleep when me and Helen are watching TV, wasting the precious time we have together.
It's not fair that Helen is ill
It's not fair that Kay is dying
It's not fair that I had to leave my job because of my illness and my colleagues reaction to, and lack of understanding of it.
It's not fair that I have to have days off sick because I wake up crazily anxious and low and have to spend the day sleeping it off.
It's not fair that on these days even the act of walking downstairs to make a cup of tea makes me so anxious I feel like I'm going to throw up.
It's not fair that my brain feels churned up, twisted and like it's caving in on itself.
It's not fair that I always think of the worst case scenario of any event.
It's not fair that I start projects or missions with boundless enthusiasm only to get bored or give up halfway through.
It's not fair that small incidents (such as an argument with a dictaphone yesterday, blasted things) of things going wrong or making mistakes cause a waterfall of negativity reminding me that I am just generally crap at life.
It's not fair that I can't get over past life-events.
It's not fair that I internally question EVERYTHING
It's not fair when I over-enthusiastically make connections with people and then scare them off, I never ever learn
It's not fair when passions I hold dear to me are ruined by my OCD or emotions
It's not fair that I never, ever feel good about myself
It's not fair that I can't handle praise but will automatically accept criticism
It's not fair that I have no dieting willpower
It's not fair that I can't contemplate going on holiday for my friends & I's 30th birthdays next year without knowing if I do something awful will happen back home
It's not fair that the Propranolol I take gives me crazy half-asleep hallucinations that make me scared to go to sleep on some nights.
It's not fair that these hallucinations only happen when my OCD is more stable and my brain has 'worry space' to fill.
It's not fair that I can't appreciate that there are people worse off in the world than me, with genuine life or death worries.
It's not fair that my loved ones have to put up with this!!!!
It's not fair that life isn't fair
Love Jen
XxxX
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