(Not so) Helpful reccomendations

Well for better or worse I'm still here. It's now been 2 months since I took my overdose and nothing has really changed.

I had my appointment with the psychiatric nurse last week with Mum. I have to say the nurse was probably the first really helpful psychiatric professional I have ever met. She really listened (unlike the woman who did my PIP assessment last month) and actually made me feel like my feelings were valid so I didn't feel as stupid as I do normally. It was hard going, giving a history of all the crap that I've dealt with (which just reinforces a lot of the feelings associated with the experiences), seeing Mum so upset broke my heart and then dissolving into tears as I mentioned Stelly dying a couple of years ago.

Having to face up to everything in appointments like that is horrible. Seeing the effect that my illness has on my loved ones and carrying that guilt with me. I know how hard supporting someone you care about with a mental illness is because of Nat, it's wearing worrying about them, worrying that you should be doing more. I try so hard to keep a lid on what I say or do in front of my friends and family for that reason, but sometimes it bursts out of me and I feel guilty for it, no-one wants tears or a long, moany WhatsApp conversation when they have their own lives and problems to deal with. 

The Nurse, Debbie, has given me information about local services. One of which is a 'recovery college' but none of the courses are applicable to me. There's a centre that I went to for a few sessions that have groups that do things like walking, arts or wood work in the countryside (yeah me and a saw probably wouldn't mix) but it's the group element that's the problem. The thought of mixing with people I don't know is tightening my chest up and clenching my stomach just thinking about it. Another potential issue is that the groups run their own therapy sessions which is great but obviously I already see a counsellor who I'm comfortable with and I really don't want to go through everything, especially the sexual assault, with a stranger. Unfortunately it may have to happen because to have any chance of claiming any kind of help from Adult Social Care or DWP I need to show that I'm engaging with NHS services rather than a private counsellor (paid for by Mum and Dad which i feel awful about), apparently it looks like I can afford private treatment and so don't need financial support.... 

Apparently I should also be going out every day and not sleeping during the day 🙄. Whilst I get the thinking behind it whether I sleep in the day or not tends to have no bearing on whether I sleep at night. Even when I'm exhausted and haven't slept during the day it takes me at least 30-40 minutes to get off to sleep and that's on a good night. I also use naps during the day as a coping mechanism, if my brain is worked up and I'm having bad thoughts or my anxiety is exploding sometimes the only thing I can do is get under the covers and try and nap it out. It's the same as the days (well most days of the week let's be honest) when I'm really bad and even going down to Esme is almost impossible. Going out the front gate just isn't going to happen. 

Debbie also said I need to do things I enjoy etc which would be great if I was getting any enjoyment out of anything at the moment. Due to not having a job and scraping a few pennies from Universal Credit I can't afford to do the things I enjoy, visiting friends, taking myself off somewhere for the day, going to gigs (not that I'm even listening to much music at the moment TBH) just aren't an option, admittedly even if I did have the money just the thought of going out, and having to potentially interact with members of the public, is enough to bring me out in a cold sweat!  I've hardly touched my camera as I just haven't had any interest in snapping anything, plus with the weather being so crap there's nothing to photograph. I spend the day doing cross-stitch (not that I can afford fabric so that's limited) and watching rubbish on YouTube/bingeing on ER (thank you All4 for putting those on) or of course napping. I'd love to say I've decided to use the time to do some learning but I just don't have the brain capacity or concentration anymore. Far too many years of Meds frying my brain methinks.

I just feel that all those positive changes I made last year, diet, exercise, even starting this year off with a new job have now just been for nothing. I ended 2018 feeling OK(ish) with myself whereas it's now the tail end of 2019 and I'm fatter again, poor, out of a job, of no help to my family or friends and just wondering exactly what all this is worth? 

Love Jen

XxxX

Oh and my urgent psychiatrist appointment is 24th Jan next year 🤣 

Airbourne 2019 Review

Hi everyone! Sorry for the delay but here's my review of this year's Airbourne. You can find my preview from last month here.

First off I can't believe how lucky we were with the weather in the end. Most of the country was being battered by wind and rain but somehow, aside from some rain before the show on Friday, we were at least dry if not a little chilly! The aforementioned weather meant that some of the aircraft weren't able to make it every day - the poor BBMF were stuck at RAF Coningsby until the weekend and a combination of poor weather and technical problems meant that the Sea Fury only made it on Sunday (well worth the wait!).

Line-up wise the organisers did a pretty good job of making up for the Red Arrow's absence, whilst the show might not have pulled in quite as many people (e.g those who come purely to see the reds or those put off by the awful weather forecast) those who did make it down had the most varied show I can remember in a long time.

If you were a warbird fan in particular then you were spoilt for choice this year, even without the BBMF every day we had Mustangs, Spitfires, a Thunderbolt, an ME109 and the Sea Fury (more on those later).

As I mentioned in my preview 2019, was the last season for the RAF Tucano display and it's display reminded us of what we'll be missing. The team gave a really dynamic display with some great knife edge passes.

The show kicked off on Thursday and brought the sunshine with it. Photographing aircraft is so much nicer when they're glinting in the sun like the Strikemaster .

The Blades bought their fast and furious display including some incredibly close manuvers like this one here!

Some trademark 'crazy flying'

Returning this year was the beautiful P51 Mustang Miss Helen with lots of diving manuvers to really get the air rushing over the gun turrets to make the famous Mustang whistle.

Beautiful lady

The Breitling Jet Team rounded off Thursday's display with a graceful display including some surprise flares at the end! Extra flares are always a winner in my book!

A very close formation

Showing off their L39 Albatross' lovely paintwork

Here are the highlights of Thursday's show from my YouTube channel (you can also find videos of previous airshows there too)

Friday's show started off with a lovely surprise when I saw that one of my photos from the previous day had been included on the 'Twitter Wall'. 

In fact I was lucky enough to have several of my photos displayed over the weekend

Miss Helen gave her final display of the airshow on Friday, I'm really hoping she'll be back next year!

Breaking through the gloom to finish the show on Friday was the mighty Typhoon,when they blast AC/DC's 'Thunderstruck' over the PA system as it arrives it really sets the mood for what you're about to see (not that you hear the song for long!). The team have built on last year's display making it even more dynamic and most importantly noisy!

Here's a round up of Friday's other highlights -

Saturday saw the show filling out more with weekend acts such as the Chinook display, Pitts Special and the appearance, at last, of the BBMF.

Welcome back BBMF! You were missed!

Rich Goodwin brightened the grey skies with his Pitts Special

Of course it wouldn't be a decent airshow without the thudding of the Chinook display!

Saturday also saw the debut of my favourite act of the weekend, the Ultimate Warbirds .Up until now I'd only seen their P47 Thunderbolt at Dunsfold Airshow earlier this year. Words can't adequately describe the stunning noise of their Thunderbolt, Mustang, Spitfire and Buchon in formation. It sounds like I'm being over the top when I say it was almost musical. Their display consisted of four sections, the first was formation flying to give the crowd a chance to hear the thunder of all those engines together, after they split the Spitfire & ME109 Buchon engaged in a Battle Of Britain- style dog fight before being replaced by the Mustang and Thunderbolt for some close formation loops. The display finished up with the 4 aircraft back together again treating us to the sound of those engines.  I really hope this fantastic team come back again season after season. 

Clockwise - Spitfire, Thunderbolt, Buchon and Mustang

The Mustang and Thunderbolt in close formation

Here are Saturday's highlights -

For the final day of the show on Sunday we took advantage of a slightly different viewpoint at Beachy Head . From the downs you look down over the seafront and get a pilot's eye view of the show. You can also get some interesting photographs from the cliffs as the planes fly below you when they run in for their displays. 

The BBMF Dakota flying level with us

The Typhoon with the Sovereign Lighthouse in the background

The Ultimate Warbirds again 

 

Another benefit of watching from the downs is that you occasionally get a private air display whilst aircraft are waiting to run in for their display or if teams have 'split' and one half is circling out of the way. We had quite a few overhead passes from the T33 Shooting Star whilst the MIG 15 was completing the solo component of their display. 

The MIG 15 & T33 Shooting Star of the Norwegian Airforce Historic Squadron

On Sunday we finally got to see the Sea Fury and of course it was well worth the wait.

Absolutely gorgeous

Some highlights from Beachy Head

Each year the airshow is rounded off by the traditional fireworks display on the Sunday night and for the last few years has featured an evening display by The Fireflies. This year I finally made it down to see them and they were absolutely fantastic. Being a bit of a pyromaniac fireworks on planes is awesome to me! 

Airbourne 2019 was a great success with old favourites like the BBMF, Typhoon and The Blades alongside new and exciting teams like the Ultimate Warbirds. I hope 2020's show will be as good. 

See you then.

Love Jen

XxxX

Cold Hard Facts

*TRIGGER WARNING for this blog's content about self-harm and suicide*

I can't think of a snappy way to start this blog off so let's go for the cold, hard facts. Last Tuesday I took an overdose.

My mental health has been getting worse and worse since the early months of the year and most bizarrely with no clear trigger. Slowly the things I enjoy have been slipping away, even the recent airshow - normally my 4 favourite days of the year - went past in a fuzz of misery and despair.

Despair seems like a very dramatic word and it's not an emotion I've really felt before (aside from the comical despairing at the dog/bunnies' behaviours) until now. I really wouldn't reccomend trying it at home kids, it's a truly horrid feeling of your emotions and thoughts becoming so desperate you feel like your head will explode with the pressure.

I think what's made the situation harder than other previous low patches (which now seem far more bearable all of a sudden) is that there really has been no trigger or cause. I was really enjoying work, getting stuck in to studying my Wicca, getting plenty of walking in, I'd just lost 4 stone, Esme is still being her grumpy self and Eos has joined the family with her crazy border collie energy. But something just wasn't and isn't right. Until last week I'd barely made it to work for more than 1/2 days a week. Because I was at home all the time the exercise has gone out the window along with the strictness of my diet - I've put around 3 kilos back on since the start of the year. Add to that money worries from the lack of working and it was becoming the perfect storm.

So last Tuesday I'd had a build up of feeling utterly hopeless and miserable. So much so that I'd actually been up the previous night writing a goodbye note to my loved ones 'just in case' it all became too much. The final nail in the coffin was finding out that there was no more work for me meaning that I was now completely financially stuffed.

I left work choking back tears as I made my way to town for my regular counselling appointment. Although rather than my normal pre-session milkshake this time I went for vodka and ibuprofen. I guess I just wanted to black out, to pretend that this wasn't happening, to shut my head up and send my worries packing just for a minute. I didn't manage to knock too much back, my conditioned politeness saved the day as I didn't want to be late for my counselling appointment. The upshot was that I didn't take enough in to need the hospital, in fact the ibuprofen probably saved me an epic neat-vodka induced hangover.

I know that the few people who do read this will have plenty of opinions and that's OK. Suicide is a divisive subject. There are those who will think I am weak and selfish, again that's OK. People will ask why I didn't reach out and the answer is complex; when you're in an extreme moment of pain it's often at inconvenient times - middle of the night or during the working day. Now I've been the recepient of phone calls from a friend in distress so I know how it works from the other side of the coin and frankly I cannot allow myself to hurl that burden of emotion and darkness onto anyone, particularly people I love and care about.

If I'm asked why I didn't say something sooner about how low I'd gotten then the answer to that is equally complex. When you've had a mental illness most of your life like I have it skews your perspective on everything. The thoughts and feelings are part of your everyday meaning a progression can sneak up on you and by then it's too late. I also don't want to be that person constantly moaning with a glass-half-empty outlook. There's only so many times a well-meaning friend can ask you how you are or what's on your mind before you feel like you're treating them as a free counselling service and abusing their kindness. I also still want people to know I'm there for them with their worries and problems, if I'm constantly taking up the time with my issues people aren't going to open up.

If I'm honest right now I feel no better at all, a lot of the time I wish I'd done the job properly and I wouldn't be in this limbo. At the same time I'm having to come to terms with what happened and what might still happen. And it's scary and horrible. Obviously there's a whole lot of guilt too, I've hurt a lot of people around me because of my actions, my parents have cancelled their holiday they were due to go on this weekend to celebrate Mum's retirement. That's a very hard pill to swallow (no pun intended) and it's no-one's fault but my own.

Normally I like to try and end my blogs on a lighter or humorous note but it's not happening today.

Love Jen
XxxX

Airbourne 2019 Preview

It's my favourite time of year Airbourne!

I'm the butt of a lot of jokes from friends and family about how devoted I am to my hometown airshow, I'll stand in the rain, wind and hail on the off-chance of hearing a Merlin engine or the roar of a jet. Whilst the weather isn't looking great for the next few days  (I have the blinds closed to the current wind and rain)  I'm going to try and keep positive and preview some of my favourite acts appearing along the seafront over the next few days. Click on the names of the acts for links to their webpages or social media.

Breitling Jet Team

The Breitlings are the main formation display team at this year's show as the Red Arrows are overseas. They are on of the premier display teams in the world so their appearance at Eastbourne is quite a coup.

These are a few photos I took of them at Farnborough Airshow back in 2012

 

 

RAF Typhoon

One of my favourite acts of any airshow! The noise, the speeds, the ridiculously sharp moves what's not to like? The Typhoon has been a regular act on the airshow scene for over 10 years now and it doesn't get old. Don't try talking to me during this one! 😆

In formation at the Trooping Of The Colour over London earlier this year

Displaying on the sea front  with it's special RAF 100 paintwork last year 

 

RAF Chinook

Time to renew my membership of the 'Wocka Wocka' fan club! Along with the Red Arrows the Chinook is an aircraft loved by geeks and non-geeks alike, it's easily recognisable and fun but also has an incredible service record (just look at the Chinook's work at Whaley Bridge earlier this year). Make sure you give them a wave when they open the back of the aircraft!

The Chinook's headlight was the only thing casting any light on the beach during Thursday's horrendous weather last year

Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight

The Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) pays tribute to 'the few' who fought in the Battle Of Britain in the summer of 1940 and also those who served in Bomber Command. A Dakota has joined the flight the last couple of seasons adding to the poignancy especially following this summer's D Day 75 commemorations.

Hurricane

Spitfire

Lancaster and Dakota

The D Day Fypast earlier this year

RAF Tucano

Sadly this will be the last season for the RAF's Tucano display as the type is retired of the year. The Tucano is really fun to watch, fast and manoeuvrable. 

The Tucano on a sunny day at Dunsfold Airshow back in June

Norwegian Historic Flight

The Norwegian Historic Flight has been a great supporter of Airbourne over the last few years. We've had their two Vampires in the past and this year sees the return of their MIG 15 and the debut of a T-33 Shooting Star. The MIG 15 is often lauded as one of the most successful fighter types of all time (normally drawing with the USAF F86 Sabre). I'm excited to see the T33 Shooting Star for the first time. The Shooting Star is a trainer from the same time period and entered service in the late 40s so would have been training people to dogfight with the MIG 15! 

The MIG 15 at last year's show

Ultimate Warbirds

The Ultimate Warbirds also make their display at this year's show. I'm really excited to see their P47 Thunderbolt, Mustang, Spitfire and Buchon (ME109). For me the more warbirds the better!!!! I saw their P47 Thunderbolt at Dunsfold Wings and Wheels earlier this year and it was an absolutely  fantastic display.

Sea Fury

Another contribution from Norway for this year's show this time in the form of their Spitfire Foundation Sea Fury. The Sea Fury is one of my absolute favourite warbirds, their power is incredible. The photo below is of a different Sea Fury at Duxford Airshow back in 2017 but illustrates how beautiful a craft it is. 

P51 Mustang 'Miss Helen' 

The words P51 Mustang should be pretty self-explanatory! I've watched so many Mustangs over the years and I still love the sound of their Merlin engines combined with the whistle over their gun turrets. 

Miss Helen sparkling in the sunshine

Strikemaster Display

This year we have a combination of a solo (Thursday and Friday) and team (Saturday and Sunday) displays from the Strikemaster pair. The Strikemaster is an armed version of the Jet Provost basic trainer. The two displaying at Eastbourne served in the Oman and Saudi Arabian air forces. 

The Team at Dunsfold earlier this season

Pitts Special

Whatever you do don't miss Rich Goodwin and his Pitts Special! From the moment he powers along the crowdline sideways (yes really!) you won't catch your breath until the end of the display. 

The 2017 show

These are just a small sample of all the different acts on display this year. Have a great time and see you on the beach!

Love Jen

XxxX

Can's and Can'ts

I came across this photo on Pinterest the other day and it's so apt not just for me but for so many others living with hidden illnesses.

I can only speak for my experience and can say quite honestly that my illness controls everything I CAN and (mostly) CAN'T do.

Some days (read most days at the moment) I CAN'T see beyond getting down to the rabbit and the dog and getting them fed and ready for their days (or in Esme's case ready to go back to frowning in the top of the fort.

On far too many days I CAN'T make it to work as the thought of leaving the house and having to interact with people leaves me feeling physically sick. In that case all I CAN do is hide in bed angry and disgusted with myself.

Because my illness leaves me with little I CAN do of note (watching vast amounts of crap YouTube or taking epically long naps aren't a particularly important contribution to society) it's easy to fade into being someone that CAN'T be remembered as ever being fun or lively (not least by myself). When thinking about what someone CAN do, you think about their contributions and things they do for other people and themselves.

When you CAN'T do these things it's easier to take that step back and lose any motivation to pursue what you CAN do. You just sit and occasionally remember what you COULD have done.

Love Jen
XxxX

Introducing Eos!

Ok it's not much of an introduction as most of you guys who are friends with me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter will have had their timelines spammed with photos of the new addition to our family 😁.

So without further ado allow me to introduce Miss Eos!

Eos is a Border Collie born on 3rd March 2019. Dad and I first met her when she was 4 weeks old.

A Pile Of Puppies! Eos (well her butt and tail) is on the far right

She was the same size as Dad's foot

 

My first cuddle

A couple of weeks later Mum came along to visit with us!

We couldn't believe how much she'd grown already (Eos not Mum!)

More tiny puppy cuddles

I was immediately impressed by her ability to nap instantly!

Eos' Mum is the pretty doggy on the left

Eos' name come from the Greek Goddess Eos who is the goddess of the dawn and a new day (NOT the camera make!). An ironic name really seeing as we've spent the last few months up at the crack of dawn with her!

Finally the big day arrived and on Sun 28th April little Eos officially joined our family!

On the way home (shortly before she was sick on me!)

So this is my living room now?

Meeting Auntie Helen (Aka Auntie NO) for the first time

  

It's amazing how she's gone from a little, fat barrel on legs to a long, sleek doggy on very spindly legs! 

Not quite sure how this thing works ...

It must be time for another nap right?

                                                       

"What doing?"

This was the first time she went to the bottom of the garden so she could see the outside world before she had her final jabs and could be unleashed on the world!

Naturally for such a cute puppy Eos has an adoring audience of people queuing up to visit her ....

Uncle Chris and Auntie Vana

Auntie Rach (aka Future Mother-In-Law)

Auntie Amanda (With Auntie NO)

She's also more than happy to provide home visits, especially to 'The Palace'

Eos has also been to puppy classes that are just round the corner from us and actually passed (even though on the day of the exam she kept refusing to do anything and was hellbent on being a disruptive influence with her BFF Rose the Lab!).

Told you I could do it Mum

 


To celebrate everyone passing the course her puppy class Eastbourne Dog Training Club organised for us all to go to Freedom Field. Freedom Field is great as it's totally enclosed with loads of toys and agility equipment for all the doggies to play on.

Queen of the castle

A taste of some agility

One of the best things about having Eos is thinking of places to take her now that she can go out for short walks, it's like re-discovering places that I've taken for granted through her eyes. 

Walkies!

In her favourite patch of long grass near Pevensey Castle

We love the beach

   

One of my favourite places to take her is the Love All  tennis cafe in Gilderidge Park. The park itself is great for dog walkers and the cafe is always so friendly and accommodating plus their scones are amazing! 

I think the biggest suprise for us all has been how well Eos and Esme have gotten on. As my regular readers will know Esme is my beloved Mini Lop who also doubles over as the world's grumpiest rabbit and loves everyone except me! Esme has been totally accepting of Eos, although of course Eos is only allowed near Esme's hutch with one of us supervising and never in her run or near an open hutch door. 

I often wonder what they're talking about .......

Please throw the ball for me Esme!

Eos has settled in so well and it's hard to imagine life without her here, even when I do still have the odd "Er there's a dog in the living room" moments.

We also hope that one day she'll  grow into her ears .....

Love Jen

XxxX