When my life turns into an Adele song... .

"I've heard that you're settled down, that you found a girl"

When I'm wandering around the racks in the library at work the last thing I expect is to bump into my ex-fiancee.

Turns out that, like me, he's now working on the staff bank and had in fact started the day before. We had the normal "how's the family?" catch up and it was so weirdly un-awkward. I won't go into the ins and outs of our break-up, I imagine you're all familiar with the story.

"guess she gave you things I didn't give to you"

I know through the grapevine that Adi's had girlfriends since we broke up, not a shock seeing that it's been 5 years (last month in fact) since we parted! I've even passed him in town with one of them a couple of years ago.

He mentioned yesterday that he was with one of the prep clerks upstairs who'd gotten him the job. That was a bit weird I must admit, hearing him actually telling me about someone occupying the place I used to. I guess what makes it a bit more of a wrench is that I probably know her by sight and there's now the possibility of seeing them together.

"I'd hoped you'd see my face and realise that for me it isn't over"

So why, after 5 years 2 weeks and 1 day is this still such a big deal to me?  I wonder if perhaps, because there was so much else going on at the time supporting Helen when she was unwell, that aside from a day of crying I didn't properly mourn the passing of 6 and a half years of a relationship.

"don't forget me I pray"

I guess I was looking for some kind of acknowledgment that I still meant something, even if it was just a tiny flicker, to him. Even if it was just as a good memory.

"I wish nothing but the best for you"

When I was turning the meeting over in my head after I got back to the office I realised what a psycho ex I must have come across as! Hugging him the moment I saw him and then letting fly a "we'll have to have lunch sometime, I'll email you" when two minutes earlier he'd been telling me about his girlfriend!!!!

The thing is that I have no interest in getting back together with him. We broke up for a reason, which hasn't changed. I think the weirdest thing is encountering him in the very spot I was working when we split. The racks I'd hidden down whilst crying.

I was genuinely happy when he told me that he was with someone and that they'd helped get him the job. He's a great guy and deserves to be happy. I'm the one with the can't-even-catch-a-cold but doesn't really want to anyway issues. It was just quite an unsettling experience, running into my past quite so suddenly.

Plus I'd also like to point out, I WAS AT THE HOSPITAL FIRST!!!!

Love Jen
XxxX

Interrogated By A Cartoon Caterpillar

When I first started this blog just under three years ago I wanted to show that you can still live a life with a mental illness. I wanted to write about my achievements, personal and creative, basically sticking two fingers up at the notion that my head could stop me having fun.

 

Times and diagnoses have changed, I've gone from being told I have mild depression and anxiety, to OCD, to Bipolar to Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm playing diagnosis bingo, next stop must surely be psycopath? I'm still trying my best to poke fun at my situation but it's getting harder and harder to laugh. The blog, when I feel inspired enough to write or actually have something new to say, has completely changed to what I never intended it to be, a long drawn-out woe is me about being mentally ill. I wanted to write about living when actually all I'm really doing is existing with a mental illness.

 

To be honest I really don't know if this blog is worth keeping, sorry to the 1 or 2 readers I have, it's pretty fraudulant now. Who wants to read about me slowly losing my grip on sanity or using my old cutting crutch? Does anyone actually need to know that it takes all my energy to actually get out of bed each day, knowing that I really don't want to be around people? That my napping at every possible oppourtunity isn't laziness but one of my few chances at shutting off the world, even that doesn't shut off the constant grinding voice inside telling me that I'm a curse on the people I love. I try my hardest to focus on sorting things out for other people, I don't have a chance because every time I start to achieve something, be it in work or for myself it gets sabotaged by my brain. So I work my hardest to help other people achieve their goals ready to back off when I'm no longer needed, no-one needs an inconvenience.  Unless of course there is an opening somewhere for a professional village idiot? I am very gifted at falling over (whilst sober) and babbling incoherently. Answers on a postcard or in the comments below!

 

In a bizarre way being like this is just normal now, it's like a comfort but obviously not. It feels almost like part of my identity now, I don't know what's Jen and what's BPD. If it was 'cured' would there be anything of the original 'me' before I became ill left? Or have I actually always been skewed and we just didn't know, so am I actually just illness and not Jen at all? I feel like I'm going round and round like Alice talking to Absolom and he keeps asking "Whooo are yoooou?" - no wonder Alice In Wonderland is my favourite book!

 

I research everything I can about BPD from blogs to deeply detailed and boring medical reports trying to find a glimmer of hope that something can be done. I can tell you in detail about all the different therapies that can be given and where to find them, everywhere except this neck of the woods apparently - the nearest specialist place is in Burgess Hill (unless I have megabucks to check myself into The Priory who offer an intensive treatment programme - how rock n roll!). Knowing that this is basically it really doesn't raise the spirits much as you can imagine. No wonder I have such a chocolate addiction! And yes as people frequently tell me, I'm sure I would be so much happier if I excercised, cut out the crap food and lost weight. But what's the point? If I'm stuck with this prognosis just let me wallow in Areo and Twirl Bites wish a dash of KitKat Chunky! At least my taste buds will be cheerful!

 

I guess the last thing to research is whether my mental illness qualifies me for some kind of hat allowance ........

 

 

Love Jen

 

XxxX

 

Dear Girl Squads Can We Really Sit With You?

Today I want to blog about a subject that will probably get me uber-trolled (if anyone reads my blog/Twitter that is, I may still be safe under a cloak of anonymity!). For a while the buzz phrase around the 'new feminism' has been 'Girl Squad' (or #GirlSquad if you're down with the kids). My understanding of a Girl Squad (and do correct me if I'm wrong) is a group of like-minded females with similar interests who back each other or work towards a particular goal. As the name suggests it's gender specific and it's considered another tool to empower women.

 

I must interject here that I do consider myself a feminist, I believe that anything a man can do a women can do, and vice versa (aside from the obvious biological differences, and to be honest I don't think that my life is any less enriched by my ability to not pee behind a tree). I believe that men and women should be equal in pay and oppourtunites, support and should have mutual respect for each other. I also know that men and women who have had similar experiences of say abuse do need specific gender oriented support so my argument is not against these kind of groups.

 

The problem I have with 'Girl Squads' is, to me, they're just another method of exclusion. The classic Mean Girls "You can't sit with us". My group of friends is pretty much split 50/50 between men and women, we're all tight-knit, support each other and have fun so why would we were to block the boys from taking part purely because they have extra appendages? I've always found that men can be just as supportive as women, albeit they may use different methods - a night at the pub rather than sobbing in front of a movie but the important thing is that the support is still offered, demonstrated and gratefully accepted.

 

The most famous Girl Squad of them all is Taylor Swift's group consisting of Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss and Martha Hunt, among others. Taylor is described as the 'ringleader' of the gang and this is where I have another problem, if a squad is about mutual support and equality, why is one person in charge? As an aside I do have to wonder why Taylor Swift is lauded as such a feminist icon. Yes she's beautiful, talented and works damn hard but I can't have been the only one who noticed that when her and her production & management team went en-masse to collect her Grammy the entire team were male ..... It must also be pointed out that she stole her current beau, Calvin Harris, from another woman, hardly a score for the sisterhood huh Taylor?  

 

In a way I think that the Girl Squad is potentially a counter-productive movement, it encourages barriers rather than trying to break them down. It suggests that, once again, one sex is limited in it's abilities and is dismissive of their efforts. Let's be honest, if this was being directed at us ladies there would be outcries, twitter campaigns and the like. And as I mentioned before if there is a boss or ringleader of a squad then that naturally will lead to a mini social hirarchy which will go against the equality these groups are supposed to promote.

 

I'll stick with my 'Mix Squad' and you are all welcome to sit with us!

 

Love Jen

XxxX

How not to have it all together by the time you're 30.......

There's been lots of discussion amongst my group of friends lately about us all turning 30 next year, weirdly most of our birthdays are pretty much within a few weeks of each other - I'm up first at the start of June followed by Lydia, Hilary & Barry in mid-July and Luke at the end of August, Jamie is the odd one out in October - loser! But I digress.

 

Way back in the distant past, ok when I was 17/18 30 seemed a lifetime away, middle aged and boring I thought. I remember someone I worked with saying to me on the eve of my 21st birthday party that after 21 there wasn't anything significant to look foward to until your 30th birthday party. To be honest I didn't take much notice, 30 still seemed like forever away.Now it feels like it's almost snuck up on me, I can't hang on to the delusion that I'm in my mid-20s and still have ages to get it together. I'm exactly one year, 3 months and 10 days away from the big 30 and in case you hadn't guessed it's getting to me already.

 

I think a large part of it is that 30 seems to be a mythical age where popular culture tells you that by then you're sure of yourself and have life figured out and are successful and independant. There are so many articles declaring that by the time you're 30 you'll be in a sensible job, settled down with a significant other and possibly small humans (the alternative is that you'll be in a sensible job still but miserably single yet still successful) and with a tasteful wardrobe of Celine blazers and sensible black trousers.

 

Pretty much everyone I know has it together already, a straw poll of my friends from school and college demonstrates the following -

 

Luke & Barry are engaged with grown up jobs

Hilary is a teacher and Jamie does something intelligent with computers and they live together

Lydia is a qualified pharmacist and currently working on her PHD

Alli is married with a little 'un as are Sam & Lou and Holly & Dan (well 2 little 'uns in their case)

Gem & Andy have just bought a house together.

 

Kay & Helen have had trips to visit Lemurs in Madagascar, drooling over Renaissance art in Florence. They've both been to New York (the place I most want to go to in the world!). Helen has hilarious and crazy stories from working behind a bar in various clubs and pubs and Kay has a very fine collection of furbabies! Even Chris and Vana are engaged and Vana has just got her first teaching job *Enthusiastic applause*!

 

I guess all of this makes me feel so left behind, I always thought I would do something meaningful I just didn't know what. At school and college it was drummed into us that we MUST have a life plan and MUST have a career and go to university and MAKE SOMETHING OF OURSELVES. Naturally my reaction to this was to decide not to have a plan - tip don't tell a Mental Gemini that she MUST do something 'cos I'll pretty much do the opposite on principle! I also had it fed to me, especially at primary school, that I was apparently intelligent with lots of potential - which let's face it is laughable looking at me now! But I think it built me up to have far too high expectations of myself and my potential. I'm definitely more of an average Jen than an achiever!

 

If I had to pick a dream job or two it would be as a journalist (I do like writing but then I can never think of much to say - cancelling out the option of trying my hand at being an author)- preferably a music journalist or a aviation/concert photographer. So nothing particularly achieveable there! Instead I've spent the last 10 or so years drifting around admin roles.

 

A large part of the problem is that if I ever do try and take on a more challenging role or one with responsibility, as I have in various jobs, it goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks/month or so and I feel productive and enthusiastic then inevitably my stupid brain lets me down and it all goes to pieces. Put it this way an argument with a dictaphone that wouldn't load onto my computer on Friday was enough to send me spiralling over the edge. Imagine that on my gravestone "She lost a short but intense fight with a dictaphone". So anything high-powered or intelligent is never going to happen (I do however love a good filing session but unfortunately that's not going to put me on the board of directors anytime soon!). 

 

Fail #1

 

Next on the list of "ticks to achieve by the time you're 30" is to be settled down with/without kids. Ah yes well, those of you that have read my blogs and know the history of Jen will be aware that I kind of did this in reverse. I was engaged at 17 and couldn't wait to start a family. I genuinely thought I was set for life, get a full time job as soon as I left college alongside with my fiancee, find a small place to rent and start a family after a couple of years. As I'm sure you've guessed it never happened for various reasons and that fell apart.

 

Looking back on it, knowing my mental illness diagnosis now it's damn lucky that I never conceived as it would have sent me loopy. And in all seriousness I would never be able to look after a child, my moods are too unreliable. And I now there is no way I will entertain the thought of ever being part of a couple, it's too much hard work and frankly I've gotten used to being the selfish person Adi accused me of being in the death throes of our relationship (apparently it's incredibly selfish to want to go on holiday with your friend rather than sit watching him play computer games).

 

Plus I'm hardly a catch, I mean look at me! I'm short, fat with eczema-y skin and scars ..... phwoar!

 

Fail #2

 

So judging by the previous 2 fails there's no way I can even consider any independant living. I'd even be worried about going into a flat/house share, again 'cos I'm so unstable I don't want to burden anyone who will then feel duty bound to look after me. I'd be so full on to live with, at the moment the only space that's 'mine' is my room so I'm pretty contained so to speak. I think living with me unleashed would be a bloody nightmare.

 

I honestly also don't think I could look after myself that well, put it this way when my parents are on holiday I pretty much live on cheesy chips, the odd jacket potato or cheese (or beans if I'm feeling adventurous!) on toast. And let's be honest, if I didn't have to go to work then aside from going to the hutch and back to worship the girls I would never leave the house. I know I would just end up inside four walls and cut myself off from everything and everyone as I don't have anyone checking up on me.

 

I do pretty much need daily supervision!

 

Fail #3

 

 

So that's my guide to how not to have it all together by the time your 30, the perfect manner in which to achieve feck all with your life! For anyone who wishes for a nicely illustrated handbook or spoken word guide I'm sure this can be arranged. Please leave your detail in the comments below!

 

Oh and the final stipulation of a sensible wardrobe? Fuck that! Long live my rockabilly/goth/punk threads and may they forever prosper! 

 

Love Jen

XxxX

One of those "It's not fair" temper tantrums (with added foot stomps naturally)

Today I'm devoting the blog to a 2 year old style tantrum, with a lot of bunny style foot stamping.

 

It's not fair that I have a condition that causes my mood to turn on a dime without warning.

 

It's not fair that the OCD component of my illness jumps into my head when I least expect it.

 

It's not fair that when I'm not having an OCD attack I'm worrying about when the next one will be

 

It's not fair that when I'm having an OCD patch that I can't stop myself checking on my worries again and again and again and again

 

It's not fair that instead of saying goodnight to my girls and going to bed happily thinking about the kisses I've given them (and they've glared at me for), that instead all I can do is wonder if it's the last time I'll see them and will I open the hutch the next morning to two dead rabbits.

 

It's not fair that I can't have a drink, or even consider getting drunk, because I know that for the next few days I will have a world of anxiety and be intolerable to be around.

 

It's not fair that I am constantly, brain-numingly exhausted. I honestly can't remember ever feeling energetic apart from when I woke up from the anaesthetic I had last year.

 

It's not fair when I can't sleep

 

It's not fair that I have to spend entire Saturday afternoons asleep to try and stop myself feeling so knackered.

 

It's not fair that I drop off asleep when me and Helen are watching TV, wasting the precious time we have together.

 

It's not fair that Helen is ill

 

It's not fair that Kay is dying

 

It's not fair that I had to leave my job because of my illness and my colleagues reaction to, and lack of understanding of it.

 

It's not fair that I have to have days off sick because I wake up crazily anxious and low and have to spend the day sleeping it off.

 

It's not fair that on these days even the act of walking downstairs to make a cup of tea makes me so anxious I feel like I'm going to throw up.

 

It's not fair that my brain feels churned up, twisted and like it's caving in on itself.

 

It's not fair that I always think of the worst case scenario of any event.

 

It's not fair that I start projects or missions with boundless enthusiasm only to get bored or give up halfway through.

 

It's not fair that small incidents (such as an argument with a dictaphone yesterday, blasted things) of things going wrong or making mistakes cause a waterfall of negativity reminding me that I am just generally crap at life.

 

It's not fair that I can't get over past life-events.

 

It's not fair that I internally question EVERYTHING

 

It's not fair when I over-enthusiastically make connections with people and then scare them off, I never ever learn

 

It's not fair when passions I hold dear to me are ruined by my OCD or emotions

 

It's not fair that I never, ever feel good about myself

 

It's not fair that I can't handle praise but will automatically accept criticism

 

It's not fair that I have no dieting willpower

 

It's not fair that I can't contemplate going on holiday for my friends & I's 30th birthdays next year without knowing if I do something awful will happen back home

 

It's not fair that the Propranolol I take gives me crazy half-asleep hallucinations that make me scared to go to sleep on some nights.

 

It's not fair that these hallucinations only happen when my OCD is more stable and my brain has 'worry space' to fill.

It's not fair that I can't appreciate that there are people worse off in the world than me, with genuine life or death worries.

It's not fair that my loved ones have to put up with this!!!!

It's not fair that life isn't fair

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Is Mental Health Finally About To Be Accepted Into The 'Big Society'?

It appears that the government have finally woken up to to true horrors of living with a mental illness. Despite years of soft waffle and vague promises nothing has ever actually been achieved. But now David Cameron has decreed that a focus needs to be placed on mental health and bring it's funding in line with money allocated to 'physical health'http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-35565216 .

 

Personally I think that it needs to go further than merely bring mental health funding in line, the government need to help the NHS urgently bring in treatment to try and fix those lives shattered by mental illness. To put this in perspective £9.2bn a year is spent on mental health care, that's less than a 10th of the NHS budget bearing in mind that one in 4 people will experience a mental health problem. When the figures are laid bare like that it's impossible not to feel disgust.

 

For years the ruling powers have blustered about equality for those suffering from a mental illness and ending mental health stigma, yet nothing seems to have actually been done. It's taken two charities, Mind (http://www.mind.org.uk/) & Rethink (https://www.rethink.org/), to merge together to form the Time To Change (http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/) campaign to end mental health stigma. Surely something that the government should have tackled as part of their 'Big Society' dream?

 

Has the campaign worked? I'm in two minds. When I first became aware of it back in 2008/9 I hadn't ever really encountered stigma when I'd divulged that I was depressed to people. It wasn't until a couple of years ago during 'memory-stickgate' at my old job when the people who I'd trusted with the knowledge of my illness then used it against me, claiming that I was a 'danger to the service' because it may have caused me to make more mistakes.

 

I think that what I'd call 'mainstream' (and this is in no way belittling the illnesses as I know the hell they can cause) conditions such as Depression and Anxiety and to some extent OCD & Bipolar are far more accepted and there is actually a fair bit of knowledge amongst the general public about what the conditions entail. I know that when I've debated explaining my Borderline Personality Disorder to work colleagues or people I know outside of my family and close friends I'm almost passed it off, saying "it's a bit like Bipolar" to make life easier. They are obviously two very different conditions but telling someone you have a fairly well-known and understood condition vs one that makes you sound like a freak about to attack them with a knife? There's no contest really!

 

I've blogged before about the lack of services availible in my area for mentally ill people, part of this government drive promises more funding for treatment & therapies. I really hope they use this as an oppourtunity to investigate specialised treatments rather than just pumping funds into one size fits all CBT & Mindfullness, currently the mental health buzzwords. There are a lot of people, myself included, who these just don't work for, but there are so many other therapies in existence that would make a real difference to people's ability to cope. I for one would love the chance to receive a therapy tailored to my needs rather than being left by the wayside as I don't fit a specific teatment model. Put it this way if someone didn't have a positive response to a particular pain killer would they be told nothing more could be done for them? No! They would be tried on different medications until the right one was found! Why can't the same be done for us?

 

To my mind (no pun intended) mental health equality means not only being placed on a par with physical health in importance and funding but with effort being made to make sure that everybody, regardless of their condition is given an oppourtunity to receive treatment and support that's right for them.

 

Love Jen

XxxX

Wearing My Musical Heart On My Sleeve!

My cross-stitching exploits have been taking up all my time and creative energy lately and I wanted to try something else before I went off of stitching, familiarity breeding contempt and all that!

As so often happens my inspiration came from music, I was wandering around Primark and noticed the wall covered in biker-style jackets that icon of rock n roll attitude. I love a good biker jacket, I live in the one that Kay gave me a couple of years ago, and I thought how cool it would be to have a customised so I can show off all my favourite artists wherever I go!

So I grabbed some silver sharpies and this was the result (for some unknown reason it won't let me put the photos on the right way up! Bloomin computers *mutter & glare*)!

It's covered in all my favourites and I'm really, really pleased with how it's come out!

I took inspiration from 30 Seconds To Mars Kings & Queens video (my favourite song in the world!) with the Triad on Jared's jacket -

I've popped a few other Mars bits on too -

Arrows on the underarms

Phoenix

Glyphs on the collar

The jacket also stars artwork inspired by -

Jimi Hendrix & Led Zeppelin

Muse & Black Sabbath

My Chemical Romance

Nirvana

Green Day

Guns N Roses

Metallica

Pink Floyd & The Pretty Reckless

Deap Valley

The Killers

Royal Blood

The Who

Sex Pistols

The Prodigy

Lady GaGa

I love my jacket so much and I can't wait to go out and about and show it off!

Rock N Roll forever!

Love Jen

XxxX