The Hardest Part

The force has been strong in my depression for the last few days. I normally expect a bit of post-Airbourne depression and can ‘prepare’ for that but this is a different beast.

 I’ve been utterly miserable, had even less energy than normal (believe it or not!) – I’m supposed to be going to see Deap Vally tonight over in Brighton but since this morning I barely managed to leave the house to go to work that’s not gonna be on the cards.

 I sometimes think that the problem is my brain can’t tell the difference between excitement and anxiety, I guess they’re similar physical symptoms at times – butterflies in stomach, fast breathing etc. When I have a bad anxiety patch then my mood plummets.

 I was really ‘up’ (no pun intended) for Airbourne – especially when they announced the F16 would be all 4 days. I felt like my old self for those couple of days, cheerful and positive. Then the airshow was over and my cheer stopped abruptly. I was looking forward to the new 30 Seconds To Mars song being released on Tuesday (it’s fantastic btw) but what are you supposed to do after the 15^th listen?

 I just feel like I’m wading through mud at the moment and when I’m in this situation I always ask myself ‘is it worth looking forward to or doing things that I enjoy when this is always the outcome?’.

 Love Jen

XxxX

Airbourne 2017 Preview

*Drum roll* It's that time of year!!! Time for my annual Airbourne preview blog.

My previewing actually started last week when I wrote a letter to our local newspaper in response to a column worrying about the future of the airshow. I was really surprised and pleased that they published my letter ! It was nice to know that I'm not the only person who feels that the airshow is incredibly important to the town and a highlight of the airshow calendar.

This year is looking pretty good with the F-16 & BBMF flying every day and the Red Arrows and Typhoon on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Naturally I had my programme pre-ordered way back in July and it arrived with it's shiny cover and fresh airshow programme smell (for some reason airshow programmes have a unique smell).

So sit back, relax, adjust your flying goggles to a comfortable angle and enjoy !!

First up we have the mighty Red Arrows.

2016

2016

The Reds will be bringing the town to a standstill again this year, I saw them at RIAT  earlier this year and they were utterly fantastic. They've bought back some old favorite maneuvers and added an exciting new arrival. Making their display extra special this year is a fellow Eastbournian making his debut with the team this season!

If you decide to watch from the downs any of the days that they're performing then be prepared for low-flying encounters!

2015 - No zoom lens needed!

Flying - Fri, Sat & Sun

Belgian F16

The F16 is always nice and noisy (the highest compliment I can pay a jet!) and it's the first time we've welcomed it back to the show since 2013. I had a sneak preview of the display at the Air Tattoo (see above) last month and the display is fast-paced and dynamic. 

2011

2013

RIAT last month with a wicked new colour scheme

RIAT

Flying - Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun

Chinook -

Here comes the blade slap! The Chinook is always a favourite here at Eastbourne and will be even more anticipated this year after the team having to retire early from the airshow season last year due to air frame fatigue. Listen out for the famous 'Wocka Wocka' created by the rotor blades.

2015

Flying - Sunday

Typhoon -

It's time to #BringTheNoise! The Typhoon will be screaming over and rattling everything for miles around. It's fast, loud, incredibly maneuverable and responsible for defending the UK skies. Wherever you are in the town you'll hear it coming!

The Typhoon kicked up a lot of vapour at the show last year, meaning I got some interesting shots

Flying - Friday, Saturday & Sunday


Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight (BBMF) -

The BBMF displays this season are even more special than usual since they are celebrating 60 years since the formation of the team. There's nothing to beat the sound of Merlins over the sea, listen and enjoy.

Lancaster over the pier

Spitfire

Hurricane

Flying - Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday

The Blades -

I've not managed to catch The Blades yet this season so I'm looking foward to their display even more than normal. The team are made up of ex-Red Arrows pilots and they really push the planes to the limit. A really fun display that'll make you gasp in awe!

2016

2015

Flying - Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday

Battle Of Britain re-enactment -

This year we're being treated to a Battle Of Britain re-enactment featuring a Catalina flying boat, ME109 Buchon and Hurricane. They will perform the very real scenario of the Catalina coming under attack from the 109 during a rescue mission with the Hurricane fighting off the 109. I've seen a similar display both here (in 2010) and at other shows and it really brings home the everyday reality of what pilots faced during the war day in day out.

Flying - Saturday & Sunday

Solo Spitfire -

There's nothing I can add that hasn't already been said for reasons to watch this beautiful aircraft. Close your eyes and take in the beautiful sound of that Rolls Royce Merlin Engine. 

Flying - Saturday & Sunday

P51 Mustang -

Arguably the most successful fighter ever built the Mustang is a gorgeous looking and sounding plane. The distinctive 'whistle' is caused by air rushing over the gun turrets. 

Flying - Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday

Strikemaster -

To my knowledge we've not had a Strikemaster at Airbourne before (Please do correct me if I'm wrong!). Strikemasters are basically an armed version of the Jet Provost trainer that we've seen at the show on previous years. For a 'small' jet they're pretty impressive. 

Taking to the skies at Shoreham 2013

Flying - Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday

MIG 15 -

The MIG 15 comes to us courtesy of the Norwegian Air Force Historic Squadron.  MIG 15s operated for a variety of airforces across the Soviet Union right up until the late 80s. It's a classic 50s jet shape, this particular aircraft wears the markings of a MIG flown by Russian Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin. 

2016

2016

Flying - Saturday and Sunday

Twister Aerobatics Team

Planes. With. Fireworks ...... need I say more?

Flying - Sunday evening

Those are my top picks from a whole variety of different aircraft flying over the four days. If you make it to the airshow then have a great time (and do try to chuck some shrapnel in the donation buckets if you can) and do let me know what your favourite displays were!

Love Jen

XxxX

Heavyweight Champion Of The World

In a particularly masochist mood this morning I decided to waddle onto the scales. The result was 106kilos (I'm 5'4 go figure), my reaction probably shouldn't have been "meh" followed by "oooh I'm almost at my heaviest I've ever been (108kilos) that sounds like a challenge!".

And yes before I get lectured I know that the reason I sleep all the time is because I'm carrying so much flab around. Yes I know I can't wear pretty clothes because I'll burst them, but it's amazing how quickly you come to love your M&S elasticated trousers. It's amazing how quickly clothes you used to love get pushed to the back of the wardrobe with a shrug.

I'm exactly the story that would make the weight-loss companies shudder. Both times I have been thin (size 8 because I wasn't eating) and size 12 from being on my feet all day in the library (best job ever!) I wasn't happy. Sure I looked good in a pair of skinny jeans but that didn't make up for the fact I was suffering from severe depression the first time round and crippling anxiety the second. So no I don't really care. It's almost satisfying that I'm as ugly on the outside as I feel on the inside. Self-disgust is nothing that can't be cured by reaching for the nearest packet of Twirl Bites.

And no I don't wish to join a gym or go running (thank you psychiatrist) to make myself feel better, tried exercise and it didn't make me any less miserable whatsoever. So you can stick that theory with your running shoes where the sun don't shine.

And of course I am guilted into the realisation that I am a massive drain on the NHS just by being alive but I don't really use the' service' aside from my meds and not-even-free NHS dentist appointments twice a year. And yes I do avoid the GP so as not to further over-stretch NHS funds.

I could lie and say that I'm being Punk rock by being fat, rejecting society's values that thin = happy and successful but really I just don't give a damn.

Bring on being too fat to leave the house!

Love Jen
XxxX

School's Out?

An utterly laughable thing has happened to me. Whilst in the process of getting to grips with my new phone (basically a larger version of my old one but this is Jen the technophobe) and having a swear at it a Facebook notification popped up that made me swear even more but in disbelief.

 I've been added to a group trying to arrange a 'class of 2003' school reunion, no really. One of the 'in-crowd', who had no interest whatsoever in anyone outside her group is trying to arrange a get together at the end of the year, perhaps a case of 30s related nostalgia? A few people have posted in the group saying how lovely it would be, what makes me laugh is that most of these people had nothing to do with each other back at school and most times didn't even like each other.

 I'm wondering what the psychology is behind school reunions? Is it an opportunity for the popular kids to relieve their glory days? Or if you weren't friends with people why would you suddenly want to meet up with them 15 years later?

 My natural curiosity (read nosiness) got the better of me and I had a look through a lot of the profiles (seriously people need to learn to lock their Facebook's down), what gets me is that most of the people who picked on me have profiles full of photos of their weddings, their kids, their achievements etc. I  know people only post 'the best' on their profile (it's social spin really I guess) but the bitter part of me fumes that they live the lives that their actions have denied me.

Due to my illness - exacerbated, if not caused, by their actions I can't have relationships due to the nature of my personality disorder, the hormones caused by pregnancy & post-pregnancy are incredibly dangerous to me, my body issues (and no before you ask it's not as simple as 'just lose some weight' or 'give up sugar' or the most irritating 'why don't you do more excercise') - they go deep, I've been between a size 8 when I didn't eat and a current size 20 where I over-eat to try and compensate for the misery in my head. I also don't feel it's worth looking after myself, I'm not worthy of care.

So it really grates seeing the people who mocked me for my looks, spread sick rumours about me, thought it was funny to grope me and kick me, felt it was acceptable to shoot at me with BB Gun pellets and shower the back of my head with broken pieces of pencil, coins and anything else to hand (what a waste of stationary!!). The theory of Karma is that your actions come back threefold, so why are they so happy, successful, still think and pretty?

 Now let me consider that invitation ....

 Love Jen

XxxX