Time To Be Alive

I've been on Lamotrigine (or Llama tablets as I prefer to call them - rolls off the tongue far more easily!) and I think things are improving.

I'm not getting so low as I was as often, there's only been a couple of real dips which for me is really positive! It's also taken the edge off my really happy moods in a good way. I still feel happy but not what I would call 'crazily happy' e.g bouncing off walls or being annoying. 

The only downside I've noticed is that the tablets have left me incredibly tired. I'm struggling at work especially with keeping awake when I'm taking minutes in a meeting, in fact I have a rather attractive bruise on the inside of my arm from trying to pinch myself awake on Monday. I'm lucky in that my work colleagues understand that i'm not being lazy or drunk (if only!) and will nudge me or send me to make coffee! 

I'm hoping now that with the pills boosting me up i'll start to feel even better and slowly start rebuilding friendships I've neglected and start doing other things I enjoy. 

For now I have a new tattoo and also 30 Seconds To Mars at the O2 Arena at the end of the month to look forward to.

Let's hope the positivity continues!

Love Jen

XxxxX

My Fightback Against Poor Mental Health Care

As I've mentioned in previous blog posts I had a pretty horrendous experience during a psychiatrist appointment last year and so I have formulated a letter of complaint that I sent off earlier today. I have obviously removed all names and identifiable information of the people involved. Please let me know what you think. 

"I am writing to express my dissatisfaction with my assessment by your psychiatrist in April 2012.

I was referred to your service by my then GP *******, as I was exhibiting symptoms of Bipolar Disorder and received an appointment with Dr ***** Consultant Psychiatrist.

During the appointment which lasted a mere 10 minutes I was given the impression that the doctor had made up his mind about my diagnosis before I even entered the room. His line of questioning mainly focused on my childhood despite my repeated protestations that I had a happy and normal upbringing and a good relationship with my family.

When it came to discussing my symptoms the doctor seemed to gloss over my descriptions and explanations of why myself and my GP thought that Bipolar disorder was a possibility. 

I was dismissively told "you cannot have Bipolar as you have never had a psychotic episode" which is contrary to much of the clinical evidence presented on reputable websites such as the charity Mind's. In Mind's booklet "Understanding Bipolar Disorder" pages 6-7 list 7 different types of this condition, with only one characterised by psychotic episodes.

The doctor then proceeded to dismiss my depressive symptoms as "not being that bad" despite me describing to him my frequent self-harm and occasional suicidal thoughts. I was told that amongst my anxiety symptoms my social anxiety was because I "didn't fit into society".

As you can imagine I was incredibly unhappy with the tone and outcome of the interview. These feelings were further compounded when I received a copy of the doctor's report to my GP.  The letter was opened by Dr ****** complaining that I had been referred to him in error, if this was the case then why was an alternative appointment not arranged with the correct psychiatrist?

The doctor then proceeded to list my history, unfortunately most of this was incorrect; for example he stated that I had worked for the NHS all of my working life despite me clearly telling him that I had worked for the NHS for just 18 months at that point. He also stated that I showed symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, this was never discussed in the appointment. My anxieties were discussed but OCD was never mentioned. My subsequent research into OCD drew no similarities between my symptoms and that of an OCD sufferer. I was prescribed an anti-depressant & an anti-anxiety drug and dismissed from his caseload.

Over the last year since that appointment my moods continued to be erratic, switching between deep depressive episodes and feelings of euphoria and over-excitement. To try and help me, my place of work referred me to a psychologist through Occupational Health.

During my first appointment with Dr *****, when my full history of mental health problems were explored, she stated that it was a serious problem that my moods were this erratic and having an incredibly detrimental effect on my professional and personal life.  

After a week of tracking my moods and reviewing the results (I had also spent 2 weeks tracking my moods in preparation for my appointment with your psychiatrist but was told "I don't need to look at them") Dr ****** recommended that I was put on a Mood Stabilising drug as anti-depressants were actually making my symptoms worse. I have now been prescribed a mood stabiliser through the Psychiatrist that covers my current GP practice *********.

I am incredibly unhappy that I have essentially wasted a year and a half taking ineffective medication that potentially made my symptoms even worse. Whilst this may not seem like a great deal of time in the great scheme of things, to someone suffering a mental illness this seems like a lifetime.  If I had been listened to and not just dismissed by your doctor then I may well be far further down the road to stabilising my disorder and getting my life back.

To recap my main points of complaint are the following –

·       The dismissive attitude to my face and in writing by your doctor and the compounding errors in his report

·       The doctor evidently not paying attention to what I was telling him and prescribing me ineffective medicine potentially worsening my symptoms.

Whilst I appreciate from working for the NHS that we are under a great deal of pressure and budget constraints I don't believe this excuses the attitude that was displayed to me both on the day of my appointment and in the follow-up report.

I look forward to receiving your comments in due course."

Obviously if I get a reply i'll post it up here, I just feel that we need to challenge poor mental health care else it will never change for the better. 

Love Jen

XxxxX

999 It's Mental Health's Emergency

Tonight it was the turn of mental health to be the focus of Channel 4's "999 What's Your Emergency?" series. 

I sincerely hope that Jeremy Hunt or any of his other Health Ministers are watching this and weeping tonight. The programme tonight has clearly highlighted the horrendous failings in the UK's mental health services. 

Even in the words of the paramedics in the programme the mental health services available to people in crisis are "rubbish" with one even going so far as to day "I'd far rather my friends or family members had a physical rather than a mental health problem as they would receive far better help" that pretty much sums it up for me too. 

Whilst my family, friends and work colleagues have been fantastic ‎it's the mental health services that have let me and other people I know who are struggling down, time and time again. The Health In Mind service in my area is laughable, I received a few telephone calls before they dried up for no reason with no follow up or discharge. 

According to Martin, a Schizophrenic, on the programme tonight he has been told by mental health workers "They wouldn't help as I wasn't crazy enough". With Schizophrenia being one of the least understood and most demonized mental health conditions (yes The Sun newspaper I am talking about you) this absolutely disgusted me, Martin was in an incredibly dark place, even resorting to trying to take an overdose in front of the paramedics - if this doesn't deserve help then I don't know what does! 

Later in the programme Martin asked "what do I have to do to convince them i'm not making it up and that I need help?" it makes me absolutely sick that in this day and age those of us with mental health problems are constantly having to 'prove' we are worthy of help and are genuine in our need. I mean would you accuse a cancer sufferer of making up their condition? Or tell someone in a wheelchair they have to prove they are disabled? 

‎‎

Another person we met in the programme was Matthew a depression sufferer who was attended by paramedics twice in two weeks after self-harming badly. On their second visit the paramedics asked Matthew what help he received on his first visit to the hospital. Matthew waited seven hours in A&E before being seen by the mental health team for 15 minutes and being discharged with no aftercare of support. 

With national statistics telling us that 16 people a day take their own lives with 90% of this group suffering from a mental health problem why on earth are the government forcing the NHS to cut mental health funding and beds on specialised units? 

The final part of the programme contained a quote where one of the paramedics hit the nail on the head ‎when he said "society doesn't embrace the strange or crazy and would rather see it pushed under the carpet". This is where charities like Mind and Rethink are doing such valuable work in educating society about mental health and humanising us sufferers. 

It's clear that something needs to be done about the appalling state of our mental health services and soon before more lives are lost or ruined through lack of action or poor care.

 

Love Jen

XxxxX

Ps in my next blog I'll be sharing with you my fightback against the poor mental health care I have received.

Comedown Alley

This tablet comedown is horrendous, i'm not going to lie. Despite taking the Venlafaxine for only 3 weeks it's really gotten it's claws into me. This is the second day in a row that i've been sent home from work because i'm too dizzy and my eyes can't focus on anything. The nausea is pretty gross too. 

Now my frazzled mind is wondering if I should bother going on the new meds since i'm bound to have to come off them at some point and go through this hell again. It's not even the symptoms it's the fact that because of this comedown my mental health has now interfered with my work and i'm furious. 

I want to know why my mind is so weak that it can't cope with experiences that other people can and who cope with far worse situations. Why can other people cope with horrendous life situations and my brain implodes after 5 years of bullying and subsequent experiences.

Why am I programmed to be weak and fall apart rather than get on with it and be strong like so many other people I respect and admire? Why can't I find the inner strength to turn around to my brain and tell it & it's stupid chemicals to fuck off? 

Why can't I just be normal?

Beware Of The Lesser Spotted Bun-Polar Bear!

The plot thickens ….

Today I spoke to my GP as I wanted to ask about whether I needed to carry on my Anti-Depressants with my new prescription ofLamotrigine and I wanted to ask him whether I was now 'officially' Bipolar.

Well it turns out although I've been prescribed a Bipolar drug it doesn't mean I'm 'officially'Bipolar as a Psychiatrist needs to actually see me to make the diagnosis. I'm actually ok with that as I really don't want to repeat thehorrendous experience of before with the Psychiatrist. I'm happy enough (so to speak) knowing that it's probably Bipolar and leaving it at that. This of course gives me the opportunity to come up with lots of weird and wonderful names and terms for my 'condition' such as 'Lesser Spotted Bi-Polar Bear', 'UBP' (Unofficially Bi-Polar) or (the most appropriate I feel) 'Bun-polar'.

The Lamotrigine has to be taken at night as one of the side effects may be excessive sleepiness, with my habit of falling asleep in meetings at work that could be pretty interesting! I have to come off the Venlafaxine that I'm currently taking which I'm not looking forward to as I always get pretty nasty side effects, even not taking it today has given me a headache and dizziness. The GP has said if the Lamotriginedoesn't work then there is another mood stabiliser that we can try and if that doesn't work either then it's off to the Psychiatrist (eek!).

In the meantime this Lesser Spotted Bunpolar Bear is off for a cup of tea.

Love Jen

XxxxX

That's Miss Bipolar To You!

Today I finally got the news that I've been waiting for, my GP wrote to me to confirm that the Psychiatrist attached to the practice has approved me to take mood stabilizers. Regular readers may remember in my post Moody Blues that after seeing the Psychologist (once again thanking my lucky stars that I now work in such a supportive workplace that takes care of it's staff) she thought that I needed to take mood stabilizers rather than anti-depressants as, although she wasn't allowed to formerly diagnose me, she believed I showed symptoms of Bipolar (Manic Depression) rather than Unipolar (Common or garden) Depression due to my mood flicking around so much. 

My GP has prescribed me Lamotrigine which is a mood stabilizing drug also used to treat symptoms of conditions such as Epilepsy. I assume that the Psychiatrist approving the prescription also gives me the definite diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, I believe that I fall into the Bipolar II category where I have depressive episodes but also "Hypomanic" episodes which http://www.patient.co.uk/doctor/bipolar-disorder describes as "Hypomania is a lesser degree of mania with persistent mild elevation of mood and increased activity and energy but without hallucinations or delusions. There is also no significant effect on functional ability."

In a way the diagnosis comes as a relief and explains a hell of a lot of the odd behaviours and reactions that I've had as long as I can remember, for example when I was a kid if I had a really good day out or enjoyable experience by the next day I would be really sad or upset and feel like I was under a cloud of sadness(Symptoms I now recognise as depressive). These experiences became more intense as I went through Secondary School, helped in no end I'm sure by the experiences I had there, but I just thought that it was something that everyone had to deal with and they just covered it like I did. It was only after a chance snippet of a conversation with a friend a year or so ago that I realized that it wasn't normal!

Although I was diagnosed with depression back in 2007 I wasn't unhappy the whole time, there would be moments or even days when I felt on top of the world, I never thought to question these, I just took it as an incredibly welcome reprieve from the mental torment. When my depression finally lifted midway through 2010 I thought that I had beaten it for good and that I was simply unlucky enough to have suffered such a long depressive period. I set about going out and doing all the things that I had been unable to do before due to my depression - going to the pub and clubbing every weekend, lots of gigs, holidays etc. 

Unfortunately after a series of events including the death of my Grandfather and splitting up with my fiancee of 6 years by the summer of 2011 I was dealing with growing feelings of anxiety and mini panic attacks that lead me rapidly back down the slippery slope of depression. I was suprised at how quickly it happened this time, before my depression had crept up on me over a number of months, this time it was like my head went 'BANG' and everything went black. 

I'd never have considered that I was Bipolar in a million years, I just thought that I had relapsed and had anxiety thrown into the mix as a new and fun experience! It was only in early 2012 when a friend and work colleagues commented on the difference in how I dressed, acted and how my mood appeared on a day to day basis and "had I considered that I may be Bipolar?" that it ever crossed my mind. 

A quick internet search of the symptoms was a revelation, I seemed to tick a lot of the symptoms of someone with Bipolar II disorder (thankfully without the full blown mania of Bipolar I sufferers) with rapid-cycling moods (since mine seem to 'flip' at a moment's notice). I went to my GP with a list of my symptoms and he referred me to the Mental Health Team to see a Psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis. 

What a disaster! I was in the Psych's consulting room for all of 15 minutes of the allotted 40 minute time (Perhaps I should have realized this may be a rush job since it was nearly lunch time!), he seemed to have made up his mind before I walked in the room that there was no way I could be Bipolar, barely listened to any of my answers. He seemed to be of the opinion that as I'd had no severe childhood trauma I couldn't have any serious mental health problems. I was told that I was "Over anxious", "Didn't fit into society" I was told my depression "wasn't that bad" and pretty much made to feel I was wasting his time. 

This was compounded by the letter he sent back to my GP which was full of errors (for example he had described me as "working for the NHS for all her working life" despite me specifically telling him that I had worked for the NHS for just over a year and had worked in a variety of different places prior to this. He told my GP that he thought I had OCD despite this never being mentioned in the appointment, I have a close friend with OCD and my anxiety is nowhere near what she (very bravely) endures. As you may imagine this whole experience did nothing to help me, I was made to feel like a hypochondriac and unworthy of help.    

I put the idea of Bipolar out of my mind and tried to struggle on with my depression & anxiety and ignore the days when I was buzzing like my head was going to explode, incredibly irritable, feeling like I was on fast foward, unable to concentrate on tasks and unable to sleep more than a couple of hours a night. Blaming it, like the Psychiatrist did, on my anxiety. 

It was only in my recent session with the Psychologist when I discussed these that I was encouraged to keep mood charts which I could show to my new GP and for him to then get me the medication I need. 

When the possibility of me being Bipolar re-emerged in as a far more convincing possibility than before I was incredibly angry with the Psychiatrist I saw in April 2012. Had his dismissiveness cost me a year where I could have been getting treatment and learning to cope with the condition? Instead of trying to blame all of my problems on anxiety should he have looked at the bigger picture and listened when I tried to tell him about my ups and downs rather than changing the subject back to my anxiety? 

A couple of weeks ago I bought an excellent book on the subject of Bipolar Bipolar Disorder - The Ultimate Guide in which it explains that anxiety is actually a large part of Bipolar (hardly suprising when your mood literally cannot decide if it is up or down, left or right, in or out). I highly recommend the book whether you have Bipolar, have a friend or family member with Bipolar or are just interested. It's authors Sarah Owen & Amanda Saunders both have close family members with the condition and the book is honest, insightful and everything is simply explained. It includes contributions from those with the condition and their friends and families giving you a 360 degree view of life with Bipolar. 

As for me, assuming that I am now "Officially Bipolar" it's given me a lot to think about. Whilst I feel ecstatic that someone has finally 'believed' me I also know that Bipolar is pretty much for life. I may well need to be on mood stabilizers of some kind forever. I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for the next depressive moment or episode. I will always have the worry in the back of my head about what mood I'll be in on important days or events. But I know that I have an amazing support network of family, Helen (who let's face it is more like my sister than a friend), friends and work colleagues who care about me, I know that whatever the future holds I won't be alone.

Love Jen
XxxxxxX

Ps To lift the tone a little from all the heaviness here's a couple of photos of a beautiful Red Admiral that was in my garden earlier -

Time To Go To War

This is my battle costume, pretty nifty I think don't you?

Over the last few days my depression has been giving me a real kicking. This morning I lay in bed and the feelings were so overwhelming that I just wanted to vapourise ‎and disappear to anywhere where the feelings and thoughts couldn't get at me anymore. 

Something snapped though, i've looked at the cuts on my arm (I'd managed to go nearly 3 months without cutting myself which doesn't sound much but in a self-harmer's world boy that's a long time), the reading on the scales showing that i've gotten disgustingly heavy and the general gloom i'm radiating to Helen and my family and I realised this really cannot go on.

So I have a choice I can either roll over and die (literally if this morning's feelings were anything to go by) or I can turn round and give depression a damn good kicking of it's own. Whilst Bridget Jones chose "vodka and Chaka Khan" (which of course may still be an option) I choose trying to claw my life back before it's too late. 

I'm going to war against my depression and I intend to win. So feel free to make 'Team Jenni' t-shirts and banners but please god no styrofoam hands..... Miley's kinda killed that one now.

Love Jen

XxxxxxX

Ups & Downs

Sorry for the lack of posts over the last couple of weeks, I'd like to say I've been very busy and important but well you get the picture. 

Following my session with my Psychologist when she suggested that I need mood stabilizers rather than an anti-depressant I saw my GP who has agreed with her. I'm now waiting for an appointment with a Psychiatrist as interestingly GPs are not allowed to prescribe stabilizers. My concern is after my last experience with a psychiatrist where I was told there was barely anything wrong with me, I was "over-anxious" and "Didn't fit into society" (he then followed this up with a letter to my GP containing nothing that we'd discussed and suggesting I was OCD), is that yet again I'll have had my hopes raised of getting a proper diagnosis and help  and basically made to feel like a waste of time and hypochondriac.
I'm getting on ok with my Venlafaxine that my GP has asked me to take in the mean time, it's helped my anxiety massively and I'm only getting what I like to refer to as 'big spikes' once or twice a week. My mood is still all over the place, I've been keeping graphs of my mood each day going from -10 (Incredibly depressed) to +10 (Manic high) and there is a hell of a lot of fluctuation each day.

The last few days have been more of a low (helped by mother nature's lovely monthly hormones) and I've found it a real struggle. But hopefully progress is around the corner.

It's not been all bad over the last week though. Those of you who know what a technophobe I am will be impressed to know that I'm now in possession of a BlackBerry Z10 handset which is entirely touchscreen (unfortunately for Helen this has meant she's been on the receiving end of some rather odd mis-spelt messages).

The phone does have a good camera and comes with photo editing software -

Carparks never looked so classy don't ya think?

I've also been practicing my photography more and gotten a few pics I'm really pleased with (if you have Arachnophobia look away now)

Yep still into leaves

It took me about 10 minutes of standing at the side of the road to get this!

 

I've also been contacted by Mind who want me to be a guest blogger this month and will be publishing my blog about Bullying! I'm really excited! I'll let you know when I know the date!

I also had the long awaited trip to the Pompeii & Herculaneum exhibition at the British Museum with Mum, Helen & Rach. It was a brilliant day, we started off in Covent Garden and went to the Byron Burger branch there after we enjoyed the Greenwich one so much. 

Oh yes I snapped this on the way past Gatwick

Here are a few Covent Garden pics -

The exhibition itself was fantastic, it's staggering how well preserved some of the artifacts were especially the statues that barely had a scratch on them!

The British Museum

I love the roof of the museum

Me & Rach

I took the opportunity to snap a few more photos on the way back -

I may also have accidentally purchased some MAC lippies in the Covent Garden store .... sort of thing that could happen to anyone .....

I've also been making lots of Halloween deccies for Emma's party -

Zero from Nightmare Before Christmas

Jack Skellington from Nightmare Before Christmas

Obviously Halloween is my favourite time of year for dressing! I love that for a day everyone dresses as freakily as me!

I've ordered various costume bits so far like this jacket and blouse -

I also have a corset and cute skull & rose print skirt on the way too!

I'm also planning on making some Halloween jewellery to put on my Folksy site :) 

Love Jen

xxxxx