I don't know if any of you guys have watched the Marie Kondo series that's been on Netflix just over a year? Where she goes into people's houses and helps them declutter and tidy up. Having an exceptionally tidy friend I watched all of them 🤣 and this morning I can't help thinking back to her rule that if something doesn't bring you joy then you should declutter it.
Which leads me to wonder what I should do when life no longer brings me joy? When everything that you use to try and make life more bearable is either taken away or no longer works.
The big things that help, gigs and airshows have been wiped off the face of the earth. My last hope for an airshow this coming weekend, Duxford, has now been cancelled due to the rise in Covid cases because some titheads can't follow the rules.
The little but regular things that help aren't doing it either. I've no interest in listening to music, can't get into reading. Leaving the house is becoming an anxiety minefield. Meeting up with friends is handicapped by the excruciating embarrassment I feel about my weight gain.
The worst of it are the 'shoulds' and shouldn'ts, I should eat better and lose the weight I'm so embarrassed about, I should go out for walks whilst the weather is still nice before Autumn sets in and sends things depressing, I should tidy my room because it looks like a dust covered pig stye. I shouldn't nap all day as its a waste, I shouldn't bother with pretty clothes because they'll only look awful on my fat self. I shouldn't bother with Halloween shopping and decorations as that's bound to cancel or I won't be bothered nearer the time.
At night before I go to bed I think about all this and just wonder why I'm hanging on. When I sleep all I have are flashbacks and nightmares about being back at school or the multitude of jobs that have gone shit-shaped over the years. I've had to stop my EMDR sessions because the memories and feelings they brought up were too much to deal with.
Wonder what Marie Kondo would have to suggest about a life with no joy?
Hi guys I thought I'd go with a more fun and lighthearted blog today and fess up to the 'ungoth' bits and pieces of me. In my normal manner I'm about 5 years late to the party and only found out about the trend from old YouTube videos.
So with inspiration from two of the coolest gals on the internet here are my Ungoth confessions .....
1. I've never partied in a Graveyard
Graveyards are supposed to be peaceful places of rest, why would you be so disrespectful as to upset that?
2. My music taste isn't 'goth'
I like a couple of Joy Division songs, I've never listened to Bauhaus and I don't think Marilyn Manson counts as 'serious' goth. My favourite bands are mostly of the rock genre but lean towards the more punk, emo or metal side or of course my beloved early 00s indie. And of course Lady GaGa, The Greatest Showman OST and Taylor Swift (about as 'ungoth' as you can get).
3. Summer is my favourite season
It's actually the only season I like, Spring is too rainy and chilly, Autumn despite it's pretty colours is depressing as it means Winter is on the way and Winter itself is utterly miserable.
4. My favourite activities happen outside
Airshows, BBQs, sitting in the garden with Esme and Eos, taking photos, outdoor gigs and festivals, being able to sit in the garden well into evening you get the idea. This does have the unfortunate side effect of leaving me with a tan despite layering on Factor 50 .....
5. My favourite films aren't all goth movies
Whilst I love The Crow, anything by Tim Burton and The Craft my favourite films are actually Top Gun & The Lion King (joint 1st), Frozen, Battle Of Britain and Shaun Of The Dead.
6. I don't read much Gothic Literature
I do love Anne Rice (my cuddly vampire bear Lestat is named for her Interview With The Vampire book series) but couldn't get into HP Lovecraft, can take or leave Edgar Allen Poe and utterly despise poetry!
7. I don't take drugs
I'm already on more pills than Bez from the Happy Mondays (ask your parents) but I'll never refuse a G&T or a good rum and coke.
8. None of my friends are goths
I don't get the whole 'we only hang out with other goths' surely it's boring to only socialise with people who have the exact same clothes/taste/ideas as you.My friends and family are all different which means everyone brings something interesting to the mix.
9. I don't buy 'goth brands'
To be fair this isn't out of choice, it's more due to being fat! Most goth clothes only go up to about a 14/16 and since I'm an 18/20 it's never going to happen! I'm not quite sure why the clothes designers and producers don't believe that fat goths exist (thank god band shirts go up to sensible sizes). It means I have to be a bit more creative and shop a lot on Ebay by searching things like 'plus size black lace or velvet', shopping on the highstreet for black jeans or skirts or chopping up a pair of fishnet tights to make a net top 😆 Although I must shout out the following websites for providing a good range of sizes Attitude Clothing, EMP, Kate's Clothing and Dark Fashion Clothing.
10. And finally ..... I (mostly) smile in photos
I hope you all enjoyed my 'ungoth' confessions, now before you get too concerned I'm about to don some eyeliner and go Halloween decoration shopping!
(Before we start please note the TRIGGER WARNING for self-harm and suicidal thoughts/actions)
Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of my overdose. At the time I detailed it in this blog. But in short after my mental health had a rapid decline since the start of 2019 I decided that enough was enough. I realised that the game was up when I found myself struggling to enjoy Airbourne, normally the 4 days I live for each year, and I went to bed the Sunday night having written a long letter to my family and friends telling them how much I loved them and insisting that they not blame themselves.
Although I told myself as I wrote it that it was a 'just in case' letter, a deeper part of me had shifted for the worse. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back was being let go from my job, not much of a shock since I was barely managing to make it in more than one or two days a week.
So that was how the overdose happened, part of it was wanting to end it all, part of it was wanting to black out and forget everything, part of it was trying to express the pain that I couldn't put into words that even cutting myself wasn't releasing, part of it was wanting to push it all off myself and let the adults take over and part of it was a final fuck off to the world that had made life so difficult.
The days following are a blur, I hadn't swallowed enough pills or drunk enough vodka to need the hospital. I remember being chronically unsettled, sleeping badly, a feeling of absolute guilt at having hurt my parents and friends and hardest of all was the feeling of being unsafe. Unsafe from myself, whenever I'd felt unsafe before it was as a result of other people's actions and I could retreat inside myself. When it's you making yourself feel unsafe there's nowhere to retreat, being scared of yourself and what your brain might make you do.
Do I feel like I've made any progress since that August day? Absolutely not. I don't work, I hardly go out (at least I had plenty of practice for lockdown!), I struggle in social situations and find myself utterly drained from them. I have panic attacks from just getting the bus into town (not ideal when you're walking up the hill trying to listen to your best friend tell you about her day), I struggle with panic attacks that wake me up just after I've drifted off. I cut myself, put it this way, shorts have not been an option for most of the summer although considering the size of my thighs that's probably a blessing to the world at large!
My world has shrunk to staying in and annoying the rabbit, being bounced on by the dog, cross-stitching, watching YouTube & Netflix, eating and berating myself for the weight I've piled back on whilst feeling physically sick looking at myself, napping, only being able to go places if someone goes with me and when I'm able to leave the house the occasional dog walk. Not exactly healing and healthy.
I know that the recovery has to come in a large part from me, counselling, my OT (when I'm allocated one) and useless psychiatrists can only do so much. But the drive I used to have to defy the limits of my brain and condition just isn't there any more. Being a hermit is my lot in life. There's still a large part of my brain that berates me for not finishing the job properly, that I'm too weak to give it another, proper try. It argues that I have no chance at a successful future (I'm not going to disagree with it there!) so why postpone the inevitable.
I try really hard to find positivity and enjoy things, some times it's possible - the week that Mum and I had in Vienna last November (PANDAS! 🐼 🐼), seeing my friends when I feel able, watching crap on YouTube with Helen (it's an art form) or watching (shouting at) the F1 with Chris and Vana. But so often I just feel uninspired and joyless, the things I do like sewing, reading just can't always cut it (no pun intended). Then I'm left feeling frustrated, bored and at the mercy of my thoughts.
I really hope that maybe by next year's anniversary I'll still be here to mark it. That maybe a summer of delayed gigs and airshows might have lifted things a little. That the blubber I've re-attached to me might have gone (although let's be realistic), that I might have gotten some way to reclaiming the old Jen who was able to tell her brain to fuck off back in its box and go enjoy herself. Is that too much to hope for?
Normally at this time of year I'd be in a state of massive excitement and anticipation waiting for our 4 day airshow Airbourne. It's the highlight of my year and the moment I really live for. When, unsurprisingly, due to the Covid situation it was cancelled a couple of months ago I cried my eyes out. Rather than feeling miserable I wanted to try and make something positive out of the situation and relieve some of my favourite moments from the shows over the last few years.
To accompany this blog I've uploaded a video to YouTube of some of my favourite clips of the last decade which you can check out here -
I've written more in depth 'review' blogs for the 2013, 2014, 20152016, 2018 and 2019, which you can check out by clicking those links.
I've only been properly 'photographing' at airshows for the last few years so haven't got a huge amount of material to share but I've scoured YouTube and found some videos of my favourite memories.
The Jaguar was always one of my favourite visitors to the show.
Back when Red Bull sponsored the Sea Vixen and it was painted in this eye-catching colour scheme.
Airbourne has had some interesting visitors over the years, including this DHL 747 -
In 2005 we were treated to the incredibly rare sight of this USAF B1B Lancer that flew in from Texas each day!
This video has a compilation of the 2005 show which includes the first visit to Eastbourne from the Typhoon (much more of that later!)
The first photos I have are from the 2008 show, please excuse the quality 😂
The USAF KC135 Stratotanker
Pretty flags!
The last time we saw a Hercules at Airbourne with the RAF Falcons parachute display team.
Jet Pack Man!
No blog would be complete without some cringy photos of me so here is the first!
The last time we saw the Army Blue Eagles display team with their Gazelles and Lynx.
2009
Of course I bought the hat!
See!
We always get some interesting pairings for flypasts, here we have the Dutch F16 and Spitfire
And with a Mustang friend!
2010
This was the first airshow photo I was really pleased with!
Mum and I sheltering from the rain with our Pimms
The weather was a bit of a theme that day ......
I might be wrong (please let me know if I am) but 2010 might have been the first time we had a Vampire at the show.
With my friends Lydia and Hilary continuing the Pimms theme
If you squint really hard you'll see that the 2010 RAF Hawk had a really pretty paint scheme.
2011
On a cold, windy Thursday the Royal Navy Black Cats were the only thing that flew. Meaning that my brother and I were forced to entertain ourselves with donuts and hot chocolate ......
The return of the kings! Tornado GR4 role demo!
USAF F86 Sabre
Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight Spitfire and Hurricane
Belgian F16
2012
The Dakota with it's D Day invasion colours
I had my Tornados back too!
Of course the thing that people most remember Airbourne 2012 for was the first appearance of Vulcan XH558. Ever since she returned to the airshow circuit in 2008 I'd been hoping she'd make it down to Eastbourne and finally my wish was granted!
I love the sun glinting on her
There is a fantastic video on YouTube of her in the hold waiting to display off of Beachy Head, at one point she is flying lower than our lighthouse!
2013
The SWIP team
French Flamants
The Red Bull Matadors had a tie-in with Disney's 'Planes' film and were painted as the film's two main characters Dusty and Ripslinger.
Look how beautiful Miss Demeanour is.
Kittyhawk
The Tucano had a Hurricane paint theme this year.
The Reds need no caption but they've got one anyway!
When I'm not on the seafront I watch the show from a park near my home. The same park is used by the BBMF for their turning circle which results in very low Lancaster flypasts right over our heads!
2014
Speaking of Lancasters was there a more beautiful, moving sight than the Canadian Lancaster flying with our BBMF Lancaster?
Thumper and Vera with a seagull escort.
2014 was my first year with a DSLR Camera which meant I was able to get far clearer and closer photos.
The Tutor looked great against the blue sky
The RAF Sea King and lifeboat put on a demonstration.
The Blades 'crazy flying'
The Typhoon was painted in D Day stripes to commemorate the 70th anniversary of the invasion.
The Canberra made an appearance on Sunday
This is how packed the seafront gets for the Red Arrows!
I'm still really pleased with this photo!
2015
The photos I've chosen for this year all come from the Saturday when, inspired by the 2012 video (scroll back up), we went up to Beachy Head to watch the Vulcan. I hadn't watched from Beachy Head for years and I'd forgotten how cool the views were 'from the top' .
Suitably dressed in my Vulcan top.
Also making an appearance that day was the newly restored Blenheim Bomber, seen here with a Spitfire escort over the sea.
You can get unique shots like this from up on the downs.
XH558 rudely photobombing the Royal Navy Sea King
There were 1000s of people on the downs to see XH558
Flying level with us as she ran in for her display
I've never seen so many boats in the channel.
This video shows what a fantastic sight the Vulcan was
A special mention to the RAF Hawk T2 'Team Ninja' display team featuring Eastbourne pilot Toby Keeley. who went on to join the Red Arrows the following season.
The Norwegian Airforce Historic Flight Vampires
P51 Mustang 'Ferocious Frankie'
The Blades from a different angle
Getting buzzed by the Red Arrows in a low sneak pass!
2016
Before the show opened on Thursday we had a sneak preview of the new RAF Super Puma when it gave us a couple of passes.
A Jet Provost pair in their former RAF colours
The Typhoon kicking up some vapour!
Following the previous year's successful Beachy Head outing we spent a day up on the downs and were rewarded with some great close ups from some of the warbirds.
BBMF Hurricane
BBMF Lancaster
MIG 15
B25 Mitchell
The Bronco isn't hard to miss in it's bright livery!
Nice and close to the Blenheim
Gorgeous Sea Vixen
2017
Rich Goodwin always puts the best show on in his muscle Biplane.
The star of 2017s show was most definitely the Belgian Airforce F16. It was fast, noisy and had flares, what more could you ask for?
2018
2018 was the RAF's Centenary year with some of the display teams displaying special liveries. It should also be remembered as the year than I walked a 6 mile round trip to watch the Typhoon in the rain on the Thursday afternoon .....
It was worth it!
A slightly sunnier view.
Hello Chinook!
The Red Arrows also performed their special 'Centenary Pass' which you can see in my video here (Skip to 4:26 if you're in a hurry).
2019
Hard to work out where each Blade ends and the other begins!
2019 was the debut Airbourne appearance from the Breitling Jet Team
Beautiful liveries
It was also the debut season for the Duxford-based Ultimate Warbirds team featuring a Mustang/Spitfire/Messerschmitt and Thunderbolt. The noise from them as they flew past was absolutely fantastic.
The Gazelle team
We also watched from Beachy Head again
Dakota
MIG15 and T33
The Typhoon with the Sovereign Light Tower in the background.
I also made it down to the seafront for the evening display for the first time in years. How beautiful do the Fireflies look here?
I hope you guys have enjoyed looking back at my favourite Airbourne moments with me (well done for not getting bored and clicking away halfway through!). I'm going to miss it like crazy and my camera is going to feel very neglected. Hopefully the Covid situation will calm down over the Autumn and Winter ready for the new season.
