Unplugging My Photo Block

I was starting to worry that I'd lost my photo taking ability, my little camera and I are normally pretty inseparable but our relationship hit a rocky patch during the Mars gig at the O2 when I didn't get one decent photo with it (thankfully I took my big camera with me!).

So I was pretty nonplussed with little camera's ability to perform, then to make things worse the following weeks I was barely able to take a decent photo full stop. The camera seemed to have gotten into the habit of refusing to focus when I was tying to take the close-up photos that I really like of plants, flowers etc. I was thinking that it must be something that I was doing wrong, but I hadn't changed any camera settings nor was my hand particularly unsteady.

After 3 weeks of sulking and not speaking to each other camera & I had a successful reconciliation yesterday when I was finally able to take some decent photos in the garden (yep you're right those are them at the start of the blog). I must say I'm incredibly relieved as, especially after how badly the photos I tried to take of reindeer and Christmas lights came out, I have splashed out on a Canon Digital SLR camera for Christmas which would have been a bit of a turkey (no pun intended) if I'd lost my photo taking ability!

Flowers and photo opportunities of Eastbourne beware, my camera and I are on your trail!

Love Jen
XxxxX

My Big Fat Rant

This morning BBC news featured a report of a study that recommended that instead of trying faddy diets people should be encouraged to develop a more positive image of their bodies. This comes conveniently in a week where the (stunning!) actress Jennifer Lawrence called for a ban on the media calling people 'fat' and revealed that she is considered a 'fat' actress as she fails to comply to the Hollywoodwaif ideal (full story herehttp://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-25427990 ) . If Jennifer Lawrence is considered fat then I'd hate for Hollywood to meet me, they would choke on their coconut water or whatever fad they're following that week to keep their weight down!

Going back to this morning's report it's findings were that if you have little or no body confidence then you will find it even harder to lose the weight and get fit. I myself can concur with this, at 5ft 5 (6 on a good day!) and a size 18/20 and probably border on obese and as you can imagine have a body confidence rating of zero. Add to this a sit down office job and myunpredictable moods then I'm reaching for the chocolate by 9am on work days (although I did shock my work colleagues last week by making it 'till exactly 8 minutes past 2 before diving into the Quality Street next to me).

I wholeheartedly agree with Jennifer Lawrence's wish for "fat" to be on the list of unacceptable terms in schools and in the media. People may argue that it's just a word and what harm can it do? I invite them to apply the same reasoning to some of the racist or homophobic terms that have thankfully become socially unacceptable, judging people because they are different to you is wrong however you look at it. I was called fat by bullies at both primary and secondary school, even though then I was a healthy size 12/14 –although the people providing the insults were underdeveloped (physically and mentally in my opinion, but that's a different story) and stick thin. I would have given anything to look like them but it was physically impossible, I just wasn't built that way. As an adult I'm still shocked by how many people feel it's perfectly acceptable to make snide comments about my size or worse make comments then laugh them off as a joke, if someone has a problem with my size I'd much rather they came out and said it. Why should people be allowed to comment on me being big but I can't comment on their large nose, bad skin or awful haircut?

Even when I was thin, a size 8-10, through eating as little as humanly possible I felt fat (put it this way I could get into size 8 super skinny jeans that my big toe wouldn't squeeze in now!). My weight went up over the years from medication and illness (doctors lie when they tell you that Anti-Depressants don't make you put on weight!!!!!!!!), I did manage to lose some after a change in job a few years back, 30 kilos to be exact, but again even though I was a 12/14 I still didn't like'me' so in a way the weight loss was wasted on someone who didn't want to go out and show it off!

There is a campaign to change people's attitudes tolarger people, especially us gals. There are some website that now stock some gorgeous clothes for plus-size ladies, especially goth clothing websites selling corsets etc, I don't care what you say no SkinnyMinnie can compete with a curvy girl in a corset! My love of vintage clothes is also catered for by Collectif and Lindy Bop who make beautiful reproduction vintage clothing up to a size 24. There are bloggers like the fantastic @Bettypamper and her Pamper & Curves blog http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/  where she (quite rightly) declares that she is a plus size hottie (the image at the start of this post is taken from her post http://pamperandcurves.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/dropping-f-bomb.html , I own two of the "Killer Curves" top she produced and wear them with pride.

So what I'm really trying to say is (and this goes for me too) be proud of who you are, whether you're fat, thin, in-between, old, young, stripy or polka dot ………. Actually being polka dot would be pretty damn awesome you know ……..

Love Jen

XxxxX

End Of The Beginning

Today is my final appointment with the Psychologist and as homework I've been asked to formulate answers to some questions, some of them have been pretty tough to answer actually. The sessions have forced me to look at myself and my problems and confront all the things I dislike about myself, but also in a way to accept they are a part of who I am, and as they say in Alice In Wonderland I wouldn't have my "muchness" without them.

So these are the questions and my answers –

What bought you to psychology?

Initially to cope with low mood and anxiety. Through talking about my mood patterns I realised I actually experienced highs and lows rather than constant low mood and that I needed to balance my mood.

What's helped with anxiety?

Breathing exercises that I have been practising (look up Diaphramatic breathing, it's really good!). We also tried weighing up the evidence of some of my odder anxieties and testing predictions regarding things that seemed frightening, e.g sitting in certain spots in the garden will apparently not cause the world to end!

Coping with high and low mood-

Admittedly I would happily keep the 'high' days but I know they are irritating for the people around me and can be equally as destructive to me as the 'low' days. 'High' days are the days when I will make promises I cannot keep and set myself ridiculously high targets to achieve that I then, inevitably, fall short of, spiralling me back down again. When I'm 'low' it can help to focus on things that make me happy in terms of achievement e.g making jewellery, making Christmas presents and decorations at the moment.

These questions were all ones that we worked on during the last session, the next ones I've been given as 'homework' and whilst I keep sitting down to look at them and try to answer them I'm drawing a massive blank! So I've had to just jot down a few thoughts and hope they're good enough.

What else helps? 

To be honest when I'm low nothing does help, when I'm in a really, really low mood it's impossible for anything to break through. I guess I just have to rely on my mood going 'up' again.

What have I learnt about myself from these sessions?

I've learnt that it's not normal for your mood to 'flip' from low/high high/low in a second. It also has validated weird moods and ideas I've had since childhood, that there was a reason I've always felt a bit different and out of touch with other people.

What can I do to support myself in the future?

In all honesty I try not to think about the future. Since I'm going to be stuck with being bipolar for life sometimes it doesn't feel like there's much point looking forward as recovery isn't an option, I'm still struggling with that concept. Before when I thought I had unipolar depression there was always the thought that I'd be free of it in a few years time or at least that it would've faded a bit and become more manageable. I'm still not comfortable with the idea that there is no light at the end of the tunnel and there's the chance that my mood spikes may get worse. I always had an idea that eventually I'd be well enough to move out of home and possibly in with Helen or another friend but I don't think I'll be well enough not to become a burden to them and for them to end up looking after me which is incredibly unfair on them. 

Support-wise I really don't know, I'm on 100mg of Lamotringe daily to 'stabilise' my mood along with anxiety tablets. I don't know if counselling would help any more as there's only so many times you can cover the same subject and it still not shifting. The mental health services in this area aren't amazing as I've found through personal experience with a Psychiatrist and also with the Health In Mind service.

What can I do if I start to feel low or down in the future?

I guess I just have to take each day as it comes almost minute to minute, there is no 'fix' for my down feelings unfortunately. Just crossing my feelings and hoping that the net 'up' comes along soon.

I'm really hoping the Psychologist can make some other suggestions as I'm floundering if I'm honest. The idea of 'going it alone' scares me as much as being stuck with a broken head for the rest of my life. 

Here's hoping something positive comes out of today's session. 

Love Jen

XxxxX

The Day I Became A Disney Princess

It's not often I have the opportunity to compare myself to a Princess, when I was a kid I always wanted to be one of the male characters if we were playing Disney - Robin Hood, Peter Pan, Aladdin and Co had far better adventures than some drippy damsel waiting to be saved. As a child I detested the colour pink and never really went in for sparkle and castles.

"What changed?" I hear you ask. "Have you suddenly discovered cerise and are spinning round the middle of the room singing details of your wait for a handsome prince?" fear not readers! I can confirm that I am neither wearing cerise (your blogger is today dressed in black jeans, a skull jumper & DMs with no make-up owing to a rush this morning not to miss the bus) nor about to burst into song (I'm sure those of you that have heard me sing will be incredibly grateful for this!).

This weekend I saw Disney's Frozen, the story of two Princesses loosely based on The Snow Queen. It was actually the best Disney I've seen in some time (and this is coming from a massive Disney fan) - good songs, hilarious supporting cast (especially Olaf the snowman) and a leading man who, to mine & Helen's great amusement looked like a cross between the racing drivers Kimi Raikonnen & Mika Hakinnen. 

After the film I thought about the elder princess, Elsa, who afraid that her powers of creating ice are a danger to others locks herself away in her room and then in an ice castle. In a way she is representative of a lot of us mental health folk. I know I worry about how my Bipolar effects the people I love, sometimes thinking it would be better if I disappeared rather than being a burden upon them. 

I also thought that Elsa hiding in the ice castle was representative of those who are forced, by society's prejudice, to hide away due to a mental health condition. If people like The Sun had their way we would all still be in shackles in Bedlam! 

It took Elsa's younger sister Ana to break through the ice barriers with her love for and belief in Elsa to give the film a classic Disney 'Happy ending'. I'm lucky that I have Helen & my family who do melt away the barriers that I put up for their protection.

Else also discovered that her powers weren't a curse and that they could be used to bring her people great joy. People suffering with mental health problems need to be reminded that no matter what their problems are they still bring their own 'people', their friends and families, great joy and love.

Perhaps if more people were willing to breach the ice barricades and reach out to people with mental health problems then there would be more happy endings.

Love Jen

XxxxX

Bipolar Is For Life Not Just For Christmas

So kinda finding it a bit of a mindfuck (pardon my French family members/work colleagues who may be reading my ramblings) the whole stuck with Bipolar thing.

On Friday my psychiatrist asked me again how I felt about it being a lifelong condition, I had to admit that I had buried my head very firmly in the sand. I will worry about other people's problems/health 'till the cows come home but I am very much an ostrich when it comes to my own. 

She likened life-long Bipolar to missing a leg or some such physical disability. Even my milder Bipolar II with it's lack of truly manic episodes (although anyone who had to witness my pre-gig excitement a week or so ago may have disagreed, sorry guys) can be just as debilitating in a way. I never know when my mood is going to 'flip'. I can be having the best day ever when suddenly my head goes 'pop' and decides that I'm incredibly depressed. 

It's that which I struggle with the most, whilst with the common or garden depression I thought I had there was always the hope of recovery or at least periods of respite from the black. With my Bipolar as it is I don't get that, I know I'm stuck with my stupid pitching up and down mentality, to borrow a quote from Helen "I'm up and down like a whore's draws". 

So to be honest right now I honestly don't see how I can fight my way out of this one, I have one more session left with the Psychiatrist and she's indicated that there isn't really a lot more we can do, plus I know how long the occ health waiting list is and I don't want to take away from someone else who may need her more than me. 

I guess somehow I just have to accept that i'm not going to lead the life I always thought I would eventually when I was 'better'. I'll have to keep trying to make it up to family and friends who have to deal with me day to day and who I'm letting down.

Love Jen 

XxxxX

Thank You

I rather like the idea of Thanksgiving, having an 'official' opportunity to pause and remember the good things in life that can sometimes get swept under the carpet of everyday life. So in the spirit of international holiday-stealing this is what I am thankful for.

1. Still being here - when I'm in my blackest moods the temptation to end it all is ever present, I'm thankful that I am still here,typing this blog.

2. My family - for always sticking by me no matter how difficult I can be to live with and for the unconditional love i've always been shown.

3. Helen - as I've said before she's more than my best friend, she's my sister. She's the person who can pull me out of my blackest moods (usually by insulting me), calm me down when I'm stressing. She's brilliant fun to be around and I love her to bits.

4. My beautiful Estelle & Esme, who knew bunnies had such personality and would completely steal my heart.

5. My friends who make me smile, especially Kay who is a brave and inspirational lady.

6. My Grandma getting the all-clear from cancer earlier this year. We're keeping up our tradition of going to see The Nutcracker in a few weeks time and I'm so so relieved to know she is healthy.

7. Music, especially 30 Seconds To Mars, it inspires me, lifts my mood and encourages me to fight on.

8. My job, it may be "just an admin" job but I really enjoy what I do and the people I work with, also if it hadn't seen the Psychologist through our Occupational Health dept then I wouldn't be getting the Bipolar treatment that I need, rather than being stuck on non-effective antidepressants

9. Simple pleasures like sewing, drawing, making jewellery, sitting in the run with Estelle & Esme on a warm summers' evening, going to airshows and taking photographs wherever I go.

Love Jen
XxxxxX

Up In The O2 - 30 Seconds To Mars take over the O2 Arena!

What to say about Saturday's concert? Well let's try AWESOME!

It was the 16th time I've seen Mars since 2007 , you may think that it would get a little samey but honestly it wasn't! Each show is unique and has different special moments.

Modelling my fascinator pre-show

Me and Helen had Golden Tickets which meant that prior to the show we got to meet the band and have a question and answer session with them, Helen did cause me to have near hysterics during the Q&A when upon Jared describing the funeral pyres at Varanasi in India lit from a single flame that has burned for 5000 years, she whispered "I bet he blew it out" queue lots of sniggering at the back of the room. 

Me with the Mars boys!

Getting the camera warmed up

Helen relaxing pre-show

You Me At Six were the support act, I'd not seen them before and they were really good!

After the support act it was time for us to go up on the side of the stage. Just wow! If you ever get the chance to go side of stage at the O2 arena for any band then grab it with both hands! They view is stunning and you really get a "band's eye" view. 

Just y'know hanging out side of stage, no biggie

The show itself was fantastic. I was so proud that this band I've been a fan of since way back in 2007, have been privileged enough to see in some beautiful venues around the world had sold out the O2 arena. The seats were all filled and the standing area was packed. I won't gush on about how fantastic they were, instead I'll let the pictures speak for themselves

Me & Helen post gig

The next day we went and visited Regent & Oxford Street's Christmas displays and lights. 

Regent Street

Eros in a snowglobe

St Christopher's Place

Oxford Street

Award for the best shop window goes to Selfridges for their Gingerbread City

It was a really fantastic weekend and I was so so lucky to see my favourite band with my best friend in the world, thanks Helen.

Love Jen
XxxxX