A is for Anxiety

Yet another night going to bed anxious and wired out of my fucking skull. My efforts to have a nice calm last few weeks of my 20s are well out the window, across the street and narrowly missing smashing windows!

I can't take any more of the permanent panic attack that I'm in. I can't look at the buns without wanting to sob hysterically. I actually dread opening the hutch first thing in the morning in case I find one of them has passed away overnight. I love them so much, they're the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.

I hate that I have to upset Stelly every morning by tipping her upside down and trying to wipe her. It upsets her which makes me feel even worse, but the potential alternatives are horrendous. I worry that Esme feels neglected because of all the focus being on Stelly's health. We're off to the vets again tomorrow to see if they can give any advice on better ways to keep her clean, show us how to give a butt bath etc.

I'm scared that I'm going to lose my job with all the time off I'm having. When I'm at work I have to fill myself up on coffee to make up for the exhaustion from my sleepless night's. The coffee then gives me panic attacks and sicky headaches. I don't want to lose my job, I really enjoy it! If I say so myself I'm the best envelope stuffer in the West!

I honestly don't know how much more stress I can take before I really do have a major meltdown. Meeting this new therapist on Wednesday can't come soon enough!!!!

Love Jen
XxxX

Ps where in God's name is the new 30 Seconds To frigging Mars album? Pull your fingers out lads before I ditch you for 21 Pilots (*shudder*)

Off Down The Mine!

In a more positive blog, today I want to share a website I came across about living with BPD. I initially was trawling the internet to see if I could find any advice about working when you have BPD since my job is seriously on the line at the moment. This website flashed up, it’s an American site but the advice is applicable to anyone - https://www.verywell.com/borderline-personality-disorder-4014754 .

It covers every kind of subtopic you can think of such as coping with stress, avoiding triggers and to more ‘out there’ topics such as “what is splitting?” (something I seem to suffer from – basically ‘all or nothing thinking’ ) https://www.verywell.com/what-is-splitting-425210 and debating whether Mindfullness is a useful tool (didn’t work for me as my brain doesn’t do calm!).

 I was especially interested in what they had to say about the kind of work/jobs that suited people with BPD and they had a theoretical case study which sounded quite familiar to my experiences.

 The New Job—From a Happy Start to an Angry End

Bruce is always very excited when he begins a new job. He tells everyone he sees how fulfilling the work is, and for the first few weeks, he cannot say enough about how much he likes his boss and co-workers. He talks up the company and shares his dreams about moving into more and more responsible roles.

However, after only a short time, Bruce begins to feel that his boss is "out to get him." He perceives every work request or direction as an unfair criticism. He also becomes increasingly frustrated about working with his co-workers. He complains about what he sees as their lacklustre efforts that no one else seems to notice or care about.

By this time, it's clear to Bruce that his supervisors and co-workers don't like him and are picking on him.

Eventually, Bruce comes to believe that the people at the office are trying to find reasons to fire him, and he reacts in a rage. He yells and swears at his boss while complaining about how unfair the situation is and "always has been." His angry outburst and disrespect toward his boss can only end one way: Bruce is let go to search for another new job. There is further detail here https://www.verywell.com/example-of-bpd-at-work-425151

This is scarily similar to my workplace experiences and does lead me to wonder if I’m actually the problem or at fault for a lot of the bad experiences I’ve had? My difficulty concentrating caused loads of problems at my last job and I’m now unsure if I really was being bullied at CMS/Veritek (although I’m still hedging towards it ).

 I’m really glad I found the site though as it seems that it’ll be a mine of useful information and I intend to dig deep!

 

Love Jen

XxxX

"Don't Press The Button"

Another day, another day off work. At the moment I seem to spend more time at home than at work which doesn't take a genius to work out that I'm not getting paid very much at the moment.

Last week I had a conversation with my boss and she (absolutely understandably) said that if I can't commit to regular days working (in this case Thursdays and Fridays when I'm placed in the Diabetes Centre office) then they may have to let me go. I said to her that I understood totally, if you're promising an office help and the help doesn't turn up that day then it makes it doubly hard for them.

So far this year and for most of last year I've not worked a full week (excluding holidays/regular days off etc) because of days off sick. I think I worked out that by the middle of last year that I'd lost put on about 2 months full-time wages 'cos of sickness.

Every week I start off with the promise to myself that "this'll be the week I'm going to be in every single day" but invariably it's an empty promise as there will be at least 2 or more days that I just can't make it in. The past 2 weeks have been particularly bad with me only managing about 18-20 hours out of a potential 60 odd. It's been more of an exception because of Stelly-gate but still it doesn't bode well.

If I lose this job I'm stuffed. There is no employer in the world that would take me on with this sickness record. I don't believe I'd be entitled to any help as I'm currently (through my own choice) working as a zero hours employee and one takes into account when they accept the job that it could all end without warning. This apparently is the equivalent of leaving a job without having another lined up in the eyes of the powers that be.

So I spend the days that I'm off, like today, terrified of being 'let go' and the implications of that. I guess I fall down the cracks as ever, same as with the lack of any kind of health help available. It's a case of pay through the nose or 'just get on with it'. I'm lucky enough that my parents are going to pay for a private counsellor (I meet her this Friday) and I feel sick with guilt about it. I'm 2 weeks off from being 30 and they're still having to pay for my basic health.

I don't know how many others like me there are out there, trying to hold on to zero hours jobs knowing that if they lose them then they're pretty much on the dumpster of life. We'd sure as hell not qualify for any kind of disability help, I think you have to have a leg hanging off to even be considered nowadays. Then if, just for example, someone like me was to qualify then I would be seen as a scrounger, too lazy to leave the house and a drain on society. Trust me I already feel enough of a drain on everyone around me without upsetting society too!

I realised the other day that 2/4 jobs that I've ever had (I'm not counting my part time Asda job when I was at college or working for Powerplay as we all hated it and wanted out from there) half of them have gone to shit and right now this job seems to be doing the same.

Although I spent nearly 4 years at CMS/Veritek, God knows how, I had time that I was signed off and the rest of the time getting screamed at across the office or down the phone by two managers who had it in for me. They literally used to keep a spreadsheet of any mistakes I, or my department (making the assumption that I should get the blame either way) made and submit it to higher management each week. I left in the summer of 2010 as I couldn't take any more.

Then at my last job we had memory stick-gate and we all know how that went, just read any of my blogs from Mid 2014 to the start of 2015. Yet again I screwed a job up royally, the worst of it being that it was a job I really enjoyed with people I loved working with.

I've messed up two 'decent' jobs now, both pretty well paid with the chance for progression and promotion. Whilst I don't exactly have that in this job I do really enjoy what I do! I like playing with the letters, filing notes, having lunch with Helen (she works on one of the wards as the star Ward Clerk!) and so many other little things. But it seems my self-destruct is trying to trigger once again to screw everything up.

What's a girl to do?

Love Jen
XxxX

A Very Important Date

I really must make the effort to write more blogs. I used to be able to churn them out as regular as clockwork and write intelligently about all sorts of subjects, at the moment there doesn’t seem to be much inspiration about. I think 2/3 years ago I still felt a lot more intelligent and so felt I could comment on various subjects. Helen has been on Dementia Awareness courses over the last 5 months (she’s been nominated to be the Dementia champion on her ward, I’m so proud of her!) and they recently covered people having Mild Cognitive Impairment and she realised that I actually ticked a lot of the boxes. It’s obviously nowhere near as serious as dementia but it did confirm my long-running suspicions that my illness has made me stupider and clumsier.

 At the moment I’m trying to distract myself from my downward spiral by putting my energy into organising my 30^th birthday party. Whilst the thought of turning 30 still makes me want to curl up and morn my wasted 20s I feel that if it has to happen I may as well take the opportunity to throw a party. As many of you know I adore party planning, it’s getting into the teeny details that I like. From trawling the internet for the perfect paper plates to sourcing the perfect jar for my memory project (I leave the jar with a stack of pretty notecards for people to write their favourite memories of things we’ve done together, experienced, laughed at etc). I’m enjoying stocking up on bits for the party bags (I love party bags, I just love giving people gifts) and I’ve been able to get creative making thank you cards and bits for the bags.

 In another life I’dve been a great party planner, my speciality is making lists and complicated, colour coded spreadsheets of tasks to be completed and their priority – invitations were a red but the photo board is a yellow – you get the idea! I love details, ideas for decorations, things to make the event different and memorable – I’ve invested in photo props for the all-important selfies!

 In my great tradition of merging themes for parties (my crowning, pun intended, moment was my “Kings & Queens of Bad Romance” party for my 23^rd birthday combining 30 Seconds To Mars and Lady GaGa. I’ve also thrown Pirate, Festival, Cool Britannia and Mad Tea Party – well BBQ themed events as well as my charity bash for Rethink back in 2014) I’m going with Plane Geekery and Alice In Wonderland – catchily titled Flying Through The Looking Glass. It’s given loads of scope for decorations and party favours – Pilot hats for the selfies, giant playing cards for the tables and even an inflatable 747 (go look it up non-geeks).

 I’ve started early this time too, other times I’ve found myself rushing and actually not enjoyed the party at all – especially the Rethink one. So this time I’ve taking it easy and moving at a leisurely pace. And of course all the planning is taking my mind off Stelly which is always good as I think she’s at the point of poking my eye out if I give her one more concerned prod.

Gotta fly

Love Jen

XxxX

"Oh my ears and whiskers"

It's been 2 weeks now since Stelly's accident. I'm sure anyone who's friends with me on Facebook is sick of hearing about it. I've been advised to "move past it" but it's not happening.

The girls are my children, they are my absolute world. I can't have kids because of my BPD (it can be dangerous for Mum and kid with all the hormones) and having Endometriosis would make conceiving very difficult. I've trained myself to look on small humans (aside from a select view) with dislike and be relieved that I don't have them. If your child had made that horrendous screaming noise you'dve had nightmares every night since, I can guarantee that.

I can't look at her without wanting to cry, I worry about the effect it's having on poor Esme too. They went on the grass on Monday for the first time since the accident, Esme was jumping for joy and binkying all over the place at finally being out. All was well until she started chasing Stelly (she's always done that even though they've been 'done' since 2010) which upset Stell meaning I had to put them away.

The vet said that Stell is likely to always be incontinent so I've been wiping her every morning, which I'm more than happy to do to keep her comfortable. Every teeny thing she does has me paranoid. This morning for example I heard a squeak when I went to catch her to give her the wipes. I initially thought it was a bird and went on with washing her without further incident. Then I heard the noise again shortly after when she and Esme were doing their excited spin. I looked it up on the Internet and a lot of websites and forums classed it in with screaming (trust me it wasn't that). That or it being some kind of happy noise. This description kept popping up - 

"If you hear a rabbit make a shrill squeaking sound, there's a good chance that he's feeling happy about something. ... When rabbits squeak and the sound is a little bit deeper, it often signifies that they feel trapped. Perhaps you're petting your bunny and he wants you to stop so he can get back to playing independently."

I can understand the threatened explanation for when I was about to pick her up to be washed, I'd use some choice language if someone tried to do it to me! But she also made it with Esme, that's what worries me. She can't surely feel threatened by Esme all of a sudden? They're always together.

I know I should chill out and stop obsessing about every teeny thing that she does. I still feel responsible for her hurting herself. I can't have been holding her properly. Normally she's the far more docile rabbit when being held or carried rather than The Right Hon Miss Esme Wigglebum. But she managed to leap out and damage herself.

And no I can't just 'get over' this.

Love Jen
XxxX

Err so now what?

I recently finished my course of free counselling at Brightview in Eastbourne, unfortunately due to huge demand (as they say in Top Gun “the list is long and distinguished”) they can only offer 8 sessions per person as Brightview is a charity and receives no NHS funds. I’ve also recently discharged myself from my Psychiatrist as all he seemed to be able to tell me was keep taking the meds and lose some weight because apparently the lighter you are, the happier you are (what a great message to be sending out!), the plan was to discharge me at my next appointment anyway so I felt the appointment could have been given to someone in genuine need of urgent help.

When I first saw him I was really impressed, he spent ages listening to my symptoms before giving me a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder with OCD. But in the later sessions he hadn’t been as interested, telling me to drink coffee and try not to fall asleep when I complained of my exhaustion (despite the fact that coffee ramps up my anxiety and leaves me headachey and nauseous) and ignored my accounts of the hallucinations I experience at night that disturb my sleep.

The counselling helped to uncover some things that I’d forgotten, or subdued that may have all been small triggers for the state I’m in today or for other problems that I have. For example being groped intimately by one of my classmates in the first couple of weeks of secondary school has probably contributed to my fear of intimacy with people (hence 6 years of singledom!); actually I just realised that today is the 6^th anniversary of me and Adi breaking up – there’s an irony! Losing Nat and blaming myself for not keeping a closer eye on her has led to my constant anxiety about bad things happening to friends and family members. So now that the counselling and psychiatrist input has finished I am once again adrift.

Because Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is quite a difficult condition (well done me for being awkward) to live with and treat it means that treatment options are few and far between. The counselling I was having at Brightview was what’s known as ‘Person Centred Counselling” which basically means letting me rant and rave with the counsellor asking questions to help identify underlying themes and events that might have caused you to feel the way you do.

The recommended treatment for BPD is what’s known as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), the NHS Choices website has this to say 

–Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT)

Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of therapy specifically designed to treat people with BPD.

DBT is based on the idea that two important factors contribute towards BPD:

you are particularly emotionally vulnerable – for example, low levels of stress make you feel extremely anxious

you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed by those around you – for example, a parent may have told you that you had no right to feel sad or you were just "being silly" if you complained of feelings of anxiety or stress

These two factors may cause you to fall into a vicious cycle – you experience intense and upsetting emotions, yet feel guilty and worthless for having these emotions. Because of your upbringing, you think having these emotions makes you a bad person. These thoughts then lead to further upsetting emotions. 

The goal of DBT is to break this cycle by introducing two important concepts:

validation: accepting your emotions are valid, real and acceptable

dialectics: a school of philosophy that says most things in life are rarely "black or white" and that it's important to be open to ideas and opinions that contradict your own

The DBT therapist will use both concepts to try to bring about positive changes in your behaviour.

For example, the therapist could accept (validate) that feelings of intense sadness cause you toself-harm, and that behaving in such a way does not make you a terrible and worthless person.

However, the therapist would then attempt to challenge the assumption that self-harming is the only way to cope with feelings of sadness.

The ultimate goal of DBT is to help you "break free" of seeing the world, your relationships and your life in a very narrow, rigid way that leads you to engage in harmful and self-destructive behaviour.

DBT usually involves weekly individual and group sessions, and you'll be given an out-of-hours contact number to call if your symptoms get worse.

DBT is based on teamwork. You'll be expected to work with your therapist and the other people in your group sessions. In turn, the therapists work together as a team.

DBT has proved particularly effective in treating women with BPD who have a history of self-harming and suicidal behaviour. It's been recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) as the first treatment for these women to try.

Accessing DBT is another challenge altogether. DBT is a very specific treatment so practitioners under the NHS are very few and far between. The only real place to find it is through private therapists and unfortunately I don’t think the rabbits would appreciate having their hutch remortgaged! A quick search for general counselling and therapy in the Eastbourne area throws up a massive blank. All the therapists that we have are private and charge £40 for 50 minutes! There is a free counselling service in Hastings but again that only offers 5 sessions, I believe I need ongoing support as it’s day to day things that cause me problems rather than just things in my past.

Case in point being a nasty incident with Estelle on Sunday where she jumped out of my arms as I was putting her in the hutch and hurt her leg, screaming in pain (the most awful sound I have ever heard). I had a full on meltdown which I’m still suffering with 3 days later. Thankfully Stelly only seems to have bruised herself and is starting to move around again, my only real concern now is her dirty bottom from where she has had an upset stomach and been peeing where she sits (a stress reaction I’m guessing).

So at the moment treatment-wise I’ve pretty much been cast adrift to fend for myself with my ups and downs, crazy ideas and brain flips. Here’s hoping that by some miracle the NHS suddenly decides to fund some help in the local area and I can get on the list.

Love Jen

XxxX

Ps Only I could shoehorn in a Top Gun quote to a blog about my mental health!

The Art Of Winning

Today I’ve been thinking about winning, I’m not quite sure why it’s popped into my head (fear not I am not having a crazed Charlie Sheen “winning” moment, I have no Tiger Blood on me officer!) but I’ve been thinking about what winning means to different people.

The obvious first answer to that is the winning of a prize be it in something you’ve worked hard to excel in such as a sport or an award that others have nominated you in to recognise the quality of your work. Another one would be winning something through luck such as the lottery, or the time I won Southern FM Party In The Park Pit Passes *nostalgic tear* . Wins can be life changing in so many different ways,  they could mean that you’re top of your profession or that you’ll never have to worry about finance ever again and can go on that holiday you’ve always dreamt of.

I think everyday life is full of small opportunities to win, I don’t mean spending a spare £1 on a scratch card on the way home from work because your day can’t get any worse (guilty!) but small achievements that can be made every day. After my blog earlier this week confessing to the tough time I’m having at the moment I had so much support coming my way from texts to tweets to Facebook messages. It reminded me how many people I have around me, like a team, and what do teams do? Why they work together to win!

It made me think about the day to day wins that people have, my friend Kay considered every day that she still walked this earth as a win because it meant that she was kicking her cancer’s arse (and boy did she kick it’s arse hard and repeatedly, I will write a blog about her, full of silly stories and lovely photos when I’m ready), someone giving up smoking or alcohol wins every time they don’t have that cigarette or drink, people have won every time they feel the love of their family or friends. I win every time I drag myself into work on one of my really bad days. I win when I chat to my friends. I win when I’m sat in the sunshine watching the girls play on the grass ( a particular achievement is when they look at me without glaring or wearing looks of utter disapproval!), I win when I look forward to things I have coming up; RIAT, The Killers, Lady GaGa, Airbourne (a tour would also be nice 30STM *cough*) and at a most basic level I win when I don’t give in to self-harm or worse.

Life isn’t always about the ‘big wins’ it’s about the little, every day wins that I often overlook when my illness tries to take over. Luckily for me I have a dream team of friends and family around the world to help me fight on.

Be scared brain demons, be very fucking scared.

Love JenX

XxxX