A Brief Encounter

I'm currently in a state of not knowing whether to crack up laughing or sob hysterically which is slightly abnormal even for me on a Friday morning.

So Mum and I like to go swimming once a week (yep I get my blubbery form into a swimming costume and hope not to get harpooned) and towards the end of our swim one of the lifeguards came over and asked me if I went to the same school as he did. The answer was of course yes, although I did wittily say "yes for my sins" (more on that later) 

And yes, he was part of the crowd who made my life a living hell and was there when I got groped in front of a class of 28 other 11 year olds and laughed along with them. And here he is now greeting me like an old friend.

He said "awww you don't look any different" which rankles a huge amount as I've spent most of my post-school life trying to change the appearance of who I was then, I've spent a lot of sterling on tattoos, piercings, cool goth clothes to cover up that girl. I also noted the irony of talking to him whilst in a swimsuit in my obese state with marks of my arms and legs being the legacy of those 5 years of hell and the effect its had on my mental health for the best part of 20 years. 

I politely asked if he still saw anyone from school and he mentioned one person who goes to the same church as him 🤦🏻‍♀️. He then asked if I went because of my 'sins' quip 🤣. He finished off our conversation saying that next time we bump into each other he wanted to get my number so we could go for a cup of tea 😱. So many WTFs from that, firstly am I supposed to suddenly be all friendly with someone who was a complete cunt to me. Secondly why the hell would he want to spend time with someone who he hated for 5 years and thirdly and most hilariously I'm a full blown tarot-reading witch with an alter and loads of pretty and interesting books on the history of magic and the occult.

As amusing as it is, I'm feeling horrible and unsettled and sick. A flood of memories have come back, ones that I don't want and emotions that I really don't need right now.....

Love Jen

XxxX

My Soundtrack To World Mental Health Day

Hi guys! As promised on my social medias earlier today for World Mental Health Day I wanted to share with you my go-to songs I listen to on bad days to lift me back up. Some have uplifting lyrics, some have comforting lyrics, some bring back really happy memories and some are just fun. 

Enjoy and let me know if you have any songs you love that lift you up on a bad day. 

First up we have a couple of songs by 30 Seconds To Mars. As you all know they're my favourite band and their music has gotten me through some of my darkest times. The subject of a lot of their music is never giving up on your dreams and having faith in yourself. 

Kings & Queens (my favourite song ever)

Closer To The Edge. Not only does it show how awesome Mars concerts are, it also reminds me of Summer 2010 which was a really happy time for me. 

The last one for 30STM that I'm going to post (they have so many more I could mention - have a listen to This Is War, Alibi and Walk On Water)

Next up we have the second in my musical 'Holy Trinity' Lady GaGa. She does so much work for the LGBTQ+ community and mental health care, even launching the Born This Way Foundation a couple of years back. The first song I've chosen by her is of the same name and reminds us that we're all beautiful no matter who we are. I have 'Born This Way' tattooed on my wrist to remind me to be myself and not change for anything. 

Rain On Me is off of GaGa's most recent album Chromatica (I could actually write a whole blog about the album's reflections on mental health and dancing through your pain) and the lyric "I'd rather be dry but at least I'm alive" speaks volumes. 

From the third act of my Holy Trinity we have Green Day's 'Still Breathing'. A song about reminding yourself that you are still here on this planet surviving all the pain you might be going through. It's a powerful song and the video makes me cry every time I watch it.

And now for a few more selections -

Paradise City - Guns N Roses. A really fun song to sing along to and, for me anyway, has a summer feel to it. As an aside I'm really excited to see them for the first time next year. 

Oasis - Live Forever. A true indie classic, it reminds me of the fantastic two years I had at college and is the sound of being young without a care. Fun fact - this was the first song on the mix cds (ask your parents) for my friend's and my 18th birthday party. 

The Greatest Showman OST - A Million Dreams I could easily have picked pretty much any of the songs on the soundtrack as for the most part they are all uplifting and great fun to belt out.  This Is Me so nearly made the cut but I love this song just a little bit more.

N*Sync - It's Gonna Be Me Sometimes you just need some boyband cheese in your day 🙋

My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Ok (I Promise) Ok I have to put my hands up and admit that lyrically this song is quite dark but it brings back such good memories and the video always makes me laugh. 

The Killers - Mr Brightside Again, this one has some pretty dark lyrics but the memories I have of leaning against an ice cream van to watch their set at Reading Festival 2005 and seeing them in Hyde Park in 2017 are so happy. Another that nearly made the cut was All These Things I've Done)

Blink 182 - What's My Age Again? This is such a bouncy song about the joys of not growing up with a hilarious video to match. 

George Ezra - Shotgun you can just feel the sun rays coming from this song. 

Taylor Swift - Blank Space This video makes me die laughing every time I see it. 

Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze That guitar riff, you can't help but move to this song and get the endorphins flowing. 

Journey - Don't Stop Believing Does this actually need and explanation? 

Kenny Loggins - Danger Zone This surely has to be one of the best movie opening songs ever! From my favourite film Top Gun this makes me want to head to an airshow and is my ringtone all through the airshow season (see also Cheap Trick - Mighty Wings, Playing With The Boys and the Top Gun Theme)

Battle Of Britain Theme My other favourite aviation theme song. I always get so emotional listening to it but it's so uplifting and reminds me of watching Spitfires and Hurricanes at airshows. 

The Who - Baba O'Riley This song just sounds like freedom and elevates me no matter what mood I'm in. 

Finally I want to give a mention to a song that my friend Martin @martinthegeek on Twitter  recommended to me this morning when I asked for other people's go to songs. He recommended this song by Beartooth who I'd heard of but not listened to before. 

He says "One I always find rock songs with heavy riffs a great outlet, and two, the lead singer Caleb is so open about his mental health issues and writes a lot of songs about them. This video is a perfect example of them raising awareness and the song as well as being really personal is also and absolute banger" After giving it a listen I completely agree and I'll definitely be listening to more of them in the future!

Thanks for reading my blog about my favourite music for World Mental Health Day, if you have any songs that help you out then let me know! I'm always up for a chat on my Twitter @jenraefrances or Instagram also @jenraefrances (dead original me). 

Love Jen

XxxX

Ps If you or someone who know are struggling with mental illness then please, please speak to someone be it a family member, friend, work colleague, your GP anyone. Or if you are in immediate danger then call 999/911 or go straight to A&E/ER. 

Some useful websites (these are only UK ones but I'm sure there are similar where you live) -

The Samaritans - https://www.samaritans.org/

Mind - https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/

Time To Change - https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/mental-health-and-stigma/help-and-support

Shout (A text messaging service for those in crisis - bloody fantastic idea) - https://giveusashout.org/

World Mental Health Day - https://www.who.int/campaigns/world-mental-health-day/world-mental-health-day-2020

EMDR Diaries - Pushing Pause

Hi everyone hope you're all doing as OK as possible? As my blog readers will know I've been undergoing EMDR therapy to try and help with some of the traumatic experiences that have seriously affected my mental health. 

My counsellor and I started off gradually covering experiences that were lower down my 'trauma scale'. We started off by working on a bad workplace experience (the link for that blog and an explanation of EMDR can be found here). We then moved on to losing my beautiful Stelly. The aim isn't for you to forget the events but to take some of the 'sting' out of them. For example when it comes to Stelly when I think about losing her I no longer blame myself for what happened, nor do I feel such overwhelming emotion. Instead I've been able to focus on my lovely memories of her and all the mischief she and Esme used to get up to (don't worry Esme still gets up to enough mischief on her own) and yes feel sad, mourn her and miss her but without such an intense reaction.

The next plan was to start working on the bullying trauma, which is the really big one that has shaped who I am still to this day. We had one whole session and a half session of trying but I felt nothing. EMDR works on your physical reactions to memories, for example when I was focusing on Stelly I was actually 'sick' (without actually being sick or retching it was the weirdest sensation) or when we were working on the work problems my forearms tingled where I used to cut them to relieve the stress). So to feel absolutely nothing to the point of being numb was really odd. Essentially I think my brain has tried to detach itself so far from school that I can't connect the physical reactions.

After trying for the first half hour of a session with no reaction we decided to try and see if I could work through the sexual assault and some other uncomfortable experiences of that nature I've had. I connected with this and had some quite unpleasant sensations that I won't detail here as they are quite triggering for anyone who happens to be reading who's had similar experiences (🤗🤗🤗 to you if you have).

Unfortunately I've had to pause the sessions temporarily as the memories, thoughts and feelings that it bought up were pretty overwhelming and lead to me self-harming again and feeling 'unsafe' (my code word for suicidal). I was back to feeling disgusted with my body and self as a whole, before my first experience in the first few weeks of secondary school I'd never really thought about my body that much but it was after that my feelings of disgust and general embarrasment around how I look started and never left. Put it this way even when I was thin I felt uncomfortable, imagine how gross I feel now 🤣.

It also dredged up my memories of being 'frigid' and 'unnatural' due to my own sexual dysfunction (one of the large factors as to why I'd never entertain being in a relationship again). My fear about how people see me, benefit of dressing like a goth and being fat is that no-one looks at you as being potentially attractive - a top tip there (you're welcome 🤣).

So due to all of the above the EMDR has been paused until I can become a bit more stable again (lots of other life worries at the moment so it may be some time). I do want to continue as these memories need to be worked though alongside some others such as deaths of friends and family, relationship breakdowns etc.

On a cheerful note to end the blog I've been doing plenty of Halloween 🦇 🎃 decoration shopping (if you follow me on good ole Instagram jenraefrances you'll have been spammed with pictures and videos in my stories) and I was wondering if anyone would like to see blogs about them and my Halloween prepping in the run up to the big day! Let me know.

Love Jen

XxxX