We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together (In The Nicest Possible Way)

I've been wanting to write this blog for nearly a month now but have held off for fear of jinxing it (you know what I'm like about fate).

But I can now declare that after nearly 6 months of being off sick I have handed in my resignation.

You should always trust the fortune cookie

It's a massive relief, months of panic attacks, worsening mental health, a near nervous breakdown and self-harm can hopefully begin to come to an end. It's horrible to walk into work every day knowing that people are deliberately looking for any tiny mistake you've made or see you as a liability. What's worse is knowing that there is nothing you can do to improve on your performance as your 'mistakes' or 'concentration slips' are directly linked to your mental illness which people are beginning to use against you.

It's been the first time that I've ever really experienced the stigma around mental illness being used against me, to suggest that I may not be fit for a job because of my illness (which until the process started I was told I was really good at). The whole experience has definitely made me question whether it's wise to be open about my illness in a future job.

But I don't want to use this blog as a 'reveal all' about exactly what went on, the unfair treatment etc. I met with my supervisor on Wednesday and we agreed that they would accept my notice and I would be a free agent from Friday. 

I want to remember the really fun times I had with the team for 2 and a half years until it all went pear-shaped in May. I have to say that the team have been one of the nicest teams I have ever worked with in any job. The first thing I noticed was the friendly atmosphere and people going out of their way to welcome me as they knew it was my first day. When I started working on the retrospective cases with Juliette the admin side of that was my baby and I looked foward to coming to work every day as I felt I was achieving. Of course if it hadn't been for being referred to Occupational Health and having my medication changed I would still be stuck on the wrong meds. I know I have a lot to be grateful for. 

I had a lovely circle of friends in the office - Juliette, Gwenda, Sophie & Vonny and we had such a laugh every day which made the stressful days so much more bearable.  So thank you guys, I'm really hoping we stay in contact once you're rid of me! I'm coming in armed with choccies on Tuesday to give you all big hugs. 

Magic Eye break!

Me, Sophie & Gwenda congratulating Vonny on getting her degree

Office beard-wearing is compulsory

Sophie and Gwenda the office elves

Me and Sophie working hard as always

So what next? Well this is the part of the story that I didn't want to write about and jinx, I've only been sharing it with my closest friends and family in case it didn't come off. I have re-joined the staff bank at the local hospital and will hopefully begin working there potentially as soon as Thursday.

The references and DBS clearance have all been sorted and it's just awaiting Occupational Health clearance. I last saw Occ Health at the end of January in relation to my old job (it still feels super strange saying that) and explained to the doctor I saw that I had a potential job with the staff bank that would be different to what I was doing and he agreed that although I wasn't fit to return to my old job I would be suitable to work on the bank. So I'm hoping that their reference comes through asap and I can start on Thursday so that I technically only miss a week's pay. 

 As some of you will know I worked on the bank before in the Medical Records library and I loved it. In fact the only reason I left was to move to my old job as it was full time and better paid (my hours had been cut to 3 days a week at that point). 

In my sexy library uniform with the essential croissant and 30STM mug

Moving to the library from my job at CMS/Veritek where I was screamed at on a near daily basis by some charming members of staff was like a dream. Although the team was busy there was no nastiness, I'd never experienced that in a job before. I didn't realise it was supposed to be the norm! Because I was on my feet all day I lost loads of weight, I started as a size 18 in Sept 2010 and left as a size 12 in Nov 2011! I'm really hoping that the same will happen again, 

I'm hoping that I will be asked to Clinic Clerk which involves pulling patient case notes from the library (well I already know my way around!), booking patients in, making appointments etc. So that should involve a lot of *on my feet time*, I've casually purchased a new pair of black Dr Martens for the purpose. I've actually been on 3 days of training sessions on using the computer systems and a lot of it came back really quickly (especially around casenote tracking funnily enough!). 

One of the training sessions was over at Hastings' Conquest Hospital and had this distractingly pretty view from the window 

This week has been one of the best and worst in a long time, I've had horrendous panic attacks, really low mood and bad OCD thoughts and it's only really since yesterday that I've started to feel calm again. The biggest thing for me is that for the first time in a long time I have something positive to work with. I couldn't see the way out from my old job and felt terrified every time I thought about returning. Even if my start date is suddenly delayed due to Occ Health slowness I know that it's on the horizon.

I'm looking foward to seeing old friends again and of course the prospect of 3 Richardsons working in the hospital at once! 

The Richardsons are taking over the hospital canteen!

As it's technically a 'temporary' job I can, in theory, pick and choose my hours (although I have asked for full time Mon - Fri and it's what I've been offered - perfect) and if I was to suddenly have a bad period again I could ask to reduce my hours. The agreement is that they are not obliged to offer me shifts and I am not obliged to take them. It also means that I won't necessarily have to fit in with other staff member's holiday and can have time off when I want (hello Airbourne!) but obviously I don't get paid for any days I don't work.

Working at the library before was such a happy time for me. Even though some horrible stuff outside of work went on during then- losing Grandad, breaking up with Adi, I think that I coped with it because work was a happy and non-stressful environment. It was also the period of time that Helen and I went off adventuring and had loads of fun times and I associate all of this together. When I was doing the training I mentioned before I had a big smile on my face as all the memories and good feeling came flooding back. 

Me, Kat & Janet

Kat, Shelby, Hannah and Me

Me, Shelby & Hannah at my leaving do

Me, Tom & Shelby at my leaving do

I'm not going to lie, I have enjoyed my time off on the days that I've felt well. I've been able to spend Tuesdays with Helen on her day off, done lots of crafty bits, been out photographing loads and wandered off to London for gigs and to meet friends. Although I think I'm owed that to counteract the horrible, dark days bought on by the stress.

I am wary of pinning all my hopes on this new job and hoping that all the associated good stuff (weight loss, feeling well etc) will happen again. But it gives me hope and the knowledge that the nightmare of Performance Management is finally over and right now I'll take that.

Love Jen

XxxX

Falling in love with Niagara (see what I did there?)

Those of you that follow me on Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr will have seen me reminiscing about mine and Helen's holiday to America 4 years ago this weekend.

The holiday was in aid of seeing 30 Seconds To Mars but it ended up being so much more and is probably my favorite holiday I've ever been on. Firstly it was the first time I'd been out of the country without parental supervision (see I was fine!!) so had a real sense of adventure, secondly it was mine and Helen's first holiday together and was so much fun.

The holiday started on an funny vein when we spotted a pilot in the departure lounge of Heathrow (I recommend the Cath Kidston shop - super cheap!)  who was the spitting image of Dave Grohl in the Learn To Fly video ....

Hello Dave!

Contrary to what Helen says,this is not a video representation of me .... I don't have plaits or wear pink!

Our plane

As a plane geek I love flying, particularly the take-off, and as we took off and pulled above the clouds we had a really cool sight of the planes that were landing appearing to 'skate' along the top of the clouds. I wish I'd been allowed to have my camera at that point!

Contrary to popular belief the food on the plane was really nice (we flew with KLM) even if it was a little bizarre to have Cajun Chicken for breakfast. Most importantly on the flight we saw Despicable Me for the first time as an in-flight movie! It's now one of my favourite films because, although it's hilariously funny in it's own right, it reminds me of our holiday. 

Unfortunately it has lead to me being called Agnes ever since .... I can't understand why .......

Flying over Nova Scotia

We landed in Detroit about 8 hours later, what staggered me as we came into land was how huge the city was, when you fly in or out of Heathrow you can see London out of one window and countryside out of the other. When we came into Detroit it was city as far as you could see out of both windows! When I flew into Standford in Florida it was effectively 'out in the sticks' so I really wasn't prepared for a city that big.  Myself and another passenger managed to get ourselves told off before we'd even entered the country by not noticing the large signs telling us not to use our phones ...

Our first glimpse of America

From Detroit we flew to Buffalo, flying over part of Lake Michigan but the best part of the trip was the in-flight shopping magazine that sold the most hilarious items from under-table cat and dog cages to stone Yetis for your garden!

To this day I regret not buying a Yeti

Buffalo - yes this is an airport fully functioning in the snow!

Our hotel was just a short hop from the airport in a small town called Amherst. We stayed in the American equivalent of a Premier Inn.

View from our hotel room window

Sunset over Amherst

Super comfy bed! Yes you can tell it's mine as there is a Panda on the pillow and a photo of the buns stuck to the lamp

I slept so well that night, better than I had in a long time (I've never been a deep sleeper). We were awake bright an early the next day, however my morning peace was shattered when, as I was about to jump in the shower, I heard Helen scream. After running out I discovered that everything was fine and she'd been having a Dug from Up! type reaction to seeing a Squirrel (It later turned out to be a chipmunk .. small details).

Helen's first morning in America

We thought it best to leave our own cuddly Dug on guard whilst we went for breakfast -

Point!

The coolest thing was the waffle maker in the breakfast bar, I also love that in America it's sociably acceptable to eat multiple muffins for breakfast....

We decided to spend the day visiting the local mall and shops. When we set out the thing that surprised me was that, despite the deep snow and it being about -8c, it didn't feel as cold as the UK. We figured it was because the UK has a very wet cold whereas it was a dry cold there which made it far more bearable (along with the 10 layers we had on!).

What I wasn't expecting when we approached the 'small' mall that the girl on the desk had described was quite how big it was! It was about twice the size of Brighton's Churchill Square, I'm slightly scared at the thought of a big mall. We thought it best to sample the local cuisine (a cookie shop) and whilst eating we observed 'power walking grannies' doing their circuits of the mall, hilarious! There were loads of cool shops including a shop absolutely full of Yankee Candles. 

Who knew there were so many types of Yankee Candle?

I bought a strawberry scented one that is thankfully sold in the UK as whenever I light it, it takes me straight back to the holiday. My favorite shop in the mall was Hot Topic it was possibly the coolest shop I've ever been in! I could have bankrupted myself in there on cool tops and accessories. I restrained myself to a skull dress, a belt, some nail polish, star earrings (which Helen promptly stole), a hat and some fingerless red gloves (more of them later!).

My hat!

In their equivalent of HMV I found this copy of 30 Seconds To Mars' Beautiful Lie with "The Kill" artwork that I'd not seen in the UK so I snapped it up!

On the way back to the hotel we found Helen-heaven a huge Barnes & Noble store! Sounds silly to say but I had never seen so many books in one place! Best of all I was able to have my first cup of tea in 48 hours!

Thank you god

My first ever Red Velvet cupcake, yum yum yum

The next day we decided to visit the falls themselves one word .... wow! They were absolutely spectacular so high and the river was so fast moving. It was really strange that Canada was just across the river, that you could look into another country. Here's a few photos of the park.

Stunning!

America on the left and Canada on the right

Me rocking the new hat!

Helen by the falls

Icy Trees

On the viewing platform

After looking at the falls we had a bit of a walk to warm up around the tourist bits by the river, I took this opportunity to test gravity and the softness of the snow in a carpark (Helen will tell you I slipped over but this is simply not true!). The buildings were mostly closed for the season but I got some cool icicle photos! 

I was really excited when we found that there was a Hard Rock Cafe! They even took pity on us waiting outside in the snow and let us in before it opened.

Helen outside the Hard Rock

The first place we explored after ordering our food was the shop (naturally) and I got this cute punky bear. 

Reminds me of someone .....

The best part of any Hard Rock is the memorabilia and I was super excited to find some Nirvana pics!

 

Upon perusing the cocktail menu I discovered there was a cocktail called a Hurricane, seeing as that's the name of one of my favorite 30 Seconds To Mars songs I felt it best to indulge and the glass has pride of place in our glass cupboard.

Yum!

It turned out that two of the waitresses were going to the Mars show the following evening so we spent most of the afternoon swapping gig stories and discussing favorite songs and videos. 

The next day was gig day .....

When we woke up there'd been a snowstorm overnight and about a foot of extra snow. People just carry on as normal, attaching snow ploughs to the front of cars and just going about their business. We spent the morning on the comfy chairs in the lobby reading. Helen decided it would be a good idea for me to try coffee since I was incredibly tea-deprived. Unlike most people who enjoy the caffeine kick coffee sends me to sleep so it turns out, much to Helen's amusement! Luckily she resisted the temptation to take a photo. 

So much snow!

Comfy lobby chairs

In preparation for the night ahead we decided to order pizza, known for it's healthy and energetic benefits, we thought a medium between both of us would be just right. When it arrived it was the biggest pizza we had ever seen!!!!

Scary to think what a large would have looked like!

Soon it was time to get ready ....

Mars Glyphs and hats are tres chic don't you know?

We ended up being 'adopted'  by the taxi driver who took us to the show, he was so lovely and insisted on picking us up after the show even though it was after his shift had ended. I still have his card in my wallet, I'm sad like that. We went to a bar on the way to the show on the recommendation of the Hard Rock waitresses 

Possibly the strongest Jack n Coke I've ever had!

What we weren't quite prepared for was the route march to the Rapids Theatre that was 'just along the block' it was ok for Helen with her long legs, I must have looked hilarious hopping between Helen's footprints to keep up!

The sprint was well worth it The Rapids Theatre is a beautiful Art Deco style theatre  and also relatively small. The stage was basically at audience level and it was the closest I've ever been to the stage. 

 

So lovely

Me on the barrier!

The show was just amazing, it was the best feeling being so close to my favourite band and to get some really decent photos of them in action. 

Finally got some decent photos of Shannon, not hard since he was sat two foot from us!

 

Jared in action

The highlight of the show was Jared coming right over to our section and pretty much leaning off the stage onto us, I managed to snap my best ever photo of him 'on the way down' so to speak....

Hi Jared

After the show was the meet and greet we had paid extra for, we figured why go all the way to America and just go on normal tickets? I was kind of nervous, I'd had stuff signed by them in passing before but never actually 'met' them. You hear stories of people being really disappointed after meeting their heroes. I needn't have worried, they were absolutely lovely. I mentioned to Jared that we had traveled thousands of miles for the show and he told me that I was really cool .... I'll take that! 

It's that CD again!

As part of the meet and greet I got to have my photo taken with the band too, I'm glad I was wearing my big boots as they actually gave me an extra 3 inches of height so I didn't look too short! Now I must also take this opportunity to clear up a rumour started by Helen that is not at all true! In the below photo of me with the guys she has pointed out quite rightly that you can only see one of my red gloves. However the 'missing' hand was in fact BY MY SIDE and not anywhere else. Thank you for allowing me to clear this up!

I woke up the next morning wondering if the night before had been some amazing dream but the signed CD cover confirmed that it actually happened! We spent our last morning eating the rest of the world's giantest pizza (TM) and watching Clueless - don't say that we don't live the rock n roll lifestyle!

Last photo of Buffalo

Flying back to Detroit

The cool underground tunnel at Detroit airport

In Detriot I was distracted from feeling too sad about going home by the sheer amount and variety of Jellybeans on sale and also the monorail (Helen threatened me with violence as I kept commenting on it). 

Yum!

MONORAIL!!!

Last photos of America

Bye Bye:(

I miss America so much, every single day. Not just for the show or the shopping or the scenery or all the lovely people we met. It was the silly things that me and Helen laughed at, it was 5 days out of reality like a dream. It was a holiday with my best friend in the world and the memories cheer me up on bad days.

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

Love Jen

XxxX