F is for Failure

Last night I realised that it’s a mere 2 months, 61 days,  1464 hours, 87840 minutes (you get the idea) until I turn 30. And no as you may have guessed I’m not coping, not one bit. The thought of reaching the milestone just reminds me of what a waste I’ve made of my life so far and how little, if anything, I’ve achieved. Basically my life at the moment involves, sleeping, eating, sleeping, eating with occasional trips to the bunny hutch and dragging myself to work when I can sum up the energy to leave my bed. Instead of my previous ‘highs’ when I was on less meds I now go between rock bottom and less rock bottom, never any better than that. What is there to celebrate in that?

 

Last summer I wrote a blog “Time for a re-boot” of my manifesto for how I was going to improve everything in the year I had until the big 3-0. Have I achieved any of these? What do you think? To refresh our memories my goals were thus –

Diet - I eat like crap, I really do, there's no hiding it. I'd lost weight last year but have put 6 kilos of it back on since the start of this year comfort eating because I've been so damn miserable. Although this goal isn't about aesthetics, if I lose weight then great, this is about looking after my body. Ditto with exercising, when I worked at the library I was walking around all day every day whereas now I'm on my butt all day every day. And being brutally honest it makes me feel sluggish and quite gross really. So I intend to try walking home from work and (with Helen's er encouragement) get off my arse and do something at least one day of each weekend. 

Learn a new craft. I love my photography, jewellery making, drawing, sewing and cross-stitching - surely adding another one on top of that can only make me happier?

Go to the places I keep threatening to go. If I had a £ for every time I said "I really want to go to The British Library/National Portrait Gallery/Tate Britain etc" I'd be able to afford that trip to America! Plus for the most part they're free, all it'll cost is a train fare and my time. 

So beginning with the obvious one of diet that’s completely gone to pot. I’ve fallen off the wagon, dragged it down the ravine with me and ended up in a blazing heap at the bottom. Let’s just say I’ve managed a whole new world of fat. Comfort eating is my life at the moment, in a way I guess knowing how unhealthy it is is some kind of nice-tasting self-harm/slow suicide. When I last saw the psychiatrist he pretty much said that being less fat and lazy would help all my problems, I didn’t like to point out that eating is my alternative to cutting myself, far less messy and scar-prone. And how the hell am I supposed to get the energy up to go on some kind of route march when all I do in my spare time is sleep because I need it? I ache all the time which I assume is through lack of movement, and yes I feel disgusting and spend plenty of time fat-shaming myself to save trolls/the media time. If it helps at all I don’t go to the psychiatrist any more so I’m a teeny bit less of a drain on NHS resources!  I saw a programme the other day featuring a lady with Borderline Personality Disorder and she complained of the same all-consuming exhaustion making her unable to get up and move, it’s a symptom of the condition that the exercise-Nazis tend to overlook. So I have in fact managed to get even fatter since last summer, maybe that can be listed as some form of achievement?

 

Learning a new craft hasn’t really taken off, more because I’ve been busy with projects from crafts I already know, so I can’t really call this one a failure as I’ve been being kept out of mischief with cross-stitching and invite-making for my party (more of that later).

 

Days out etc, that hasn’t really happened. I miss going to London so badly, I still haven’t made it to the portrait gallery or the library. Helen and I were supposed to go last week but then the Westminster attacks happened and Helen didn’t want to go (personally I would rather stand up to bullies but it’s understandable), funnily enough it proved my point that whenever I look forward to something it never happens. I’d been excitedly planning the trip for weeks. I know it’s pretty selfish to blame a terror attack on my bad luck with planned fun times but still, it does add up. I’ve been lucky enough to go to a few gigs (Deap Vally, Green Day and The Kaiser Chiefs, I had Pretty Reckless tickets too but then my laparoscopy happened and I couldn’t go – oh look more planned fun cancelled!) so I can count them as leaving the house at least! At least we’ve had a summer-full of crap on YouTube XD

 

So no as you may have guessed I’m not in a good place and in the words of My Chemical Romance “I’m not ok”. I feel like I’ve failed at life quite frankly, a waste of a human shell. This shell could have been given to someone who would do some good in the world, be an achiever, have a fully functioning brain, be attractive and intelligent. I’m attempting to make light of my birthday by planning a party, making invites as an excuse to get some drawing in. I want to have an Alice In Wonderland theme but don’t have the get up and go to make a start on the decorations or the party favours (despite buying a pack of 20 keyrings for an idea I had). I have the perfect image in my mind of photo props, decorations etc but no inclination to make it happen.

 

Story of my life really

 

Love Jen

XxxX

 

Missing Man Formation

The general consensus is that after a loved one’s funeral life goes back to normal, you’re suddenly ‘over it’ and ready to function once more.

 

Let me assure you that this is pure bollocks. If anything the act of burying Kay makes her seem all that further away. I talk out loud to her all the time (eliciting some odd looks when I’m walking around in public muttering to myself) in the hope that she can hear me. I had to take all my photos down of the two of us together as looking at them is just too painful, my photo wall now resembles a missing man formation, which in my plane geekery seems appropriate.

 

She’s given some of us signs that she’s still around. I’ve not been lucky enough so far, and I’m worried that the meds I’m on are somehow blocking her out. Stopping them isn’t an option and I feel awful that she might be trying to talk to me but can’t make it through the medication barrier. I’m hoping that instead she’s been visiting the buns and checking that I’m not starving them of treats!

 

Life just doesn’t seem worth the effort. Why bother going out when I can spend the days asleep escaping from the pain? I had to force make-up onto my face this morning for the first time in almost two weeks, it feels fake and clownish. All my non-PJ clothes just feel uncomfortable. I don’t want to leave the house, it just makes me so anxious, just walking down to the hutch yesterday morning ended with me panicked and in tears – much to the girl’s disgust on their 8^th ‘gotcha day’ (the day they came to live with me). I’m not looking forward to anything I have planned, not seeing Green Day next month or even achieving my dream that I’ve had since I was a kid of going to the Royal International Air Tattoo in July. I’d tried to kid myself that I could plan and look forward to stuff buy starting to plan a 30^th birthday party but I’m fooling no-one least of all myself.

 

I’m at work today and to be honest I’d probably have been far better off still being asleep, I’m all over the place forgetting things I’ve been told 2 minutes before, leaving stuff everywhere and forgetting what I was doing, more of a hindrance than a help today.

 

God I miss her

 

Love Jen

XxxX

The Year In Music ....... According To Me

Let's face it, 2016 has been an awful year for everyone, whether your focus lies in politics, world news, English cricket or even the ridiculous amount of noteable people passing away this year. Or in my case your best friend finally losing her fight against cancer, leaving a gaping hole in your heart.

In fact I would have totally written 2016 off as a damn awful year if it hadn't been for THE MUSIC. 2016 has produced some absolutely amazing new music, which after last year's decent music drought was sorely needed. It's been a year where two of my favourite artists finally came back with new offerings and a band I've been following for a couple of years now came out with a wicked 2nd album that will hopefully start to gain them the coverage and acclaim that they deserve. 

These are the albums that have rocked my year. 

1. Beyonce - Lemonade 

RnB isn't normally my cup of tea but hearing Lemonade and watching the DVD that came with it had me so excited. The album's narrative was reminiscent of the Prog Rock albums of yesteryear when the listener was taken on a journey (or indeed a more recent example being Green Day's American Idiot), in this case a woman's betrayal by the man she loves rather than to venus or somesuch. There are so many layers to the album that I'm still uncovering with every listen. All hail Queen B!

Songs to check out - Formation and Don't Hurt Yourself

2. Suicide Squad OST

Say what you like about the film but the soundtrack is pretty damn good, even if like me you cannot stand 21 Pilots' Heathens (I have an entirely seperate rant about why they shouldn't even come under the banner of rock music)! If you listen to nothing else on it then at least check out ConfidentialMX ft Becky Hanson's version of I Started A Joke - a real haunting, goosebumps moment. 

See also - Grace You Don't Own Me

3. Deap Vally - Femejism 

I first discovered Deap Vally back in 2014, they're loud and proud of it. They write songs about being a woman at this strange point in the 21st Century. This album builds on Sistrionix's sound and adds a sprinkling of maturity without dulling their passion in any way.  I was incredibly lucky to see them at the Concorde 2 in Brighton back in Sept, if this album goes down as well as it should then they may not be playing venues that small for much longer!

Awesome songs to check out - Gonnawanna, Royal Jelly and my favourite track of the album Turn It Off

4. Lady GaGa - Joanne

Mother Monster is finally back!! After teasing the album for over a year she finally delivered it in late October. And people were in for a surprise; it was stripped back with an almost country-esque feel. Critics who claimed that GaGa's success was purely down to gimmickery were left floundering as Joanne demonstrated what we knew all along - GaGa has a phenomenal voice. The album is inspired by GaGa's aunt Joanne who died at 19 from Lupus and the title track Joanne breaks my heart every time I listen to it, it hits pretty damn close to home. It's not all serious though Hey Girl a duet with Florence Welch (Of Florence & The Machine) is the musical equivalent of declaring your love for your best friends at 2am after a night out! Million Reasons shows off her stunning voice and is pure perfection. My favourite song on the album has to be John Wayne an ode to bad boys. 

Now for the big one ........ Jen's favourite album of the year is .......................

Green Day - Revolution Radio 

It's not often that Lady GaGa gets pipped to the post but in this case Green Day edge her slightly. I can safely say this is the album that has gotten me the most excited since This Is War back in 2009. It's Green Day back to their fast and furious best, I fell in love with lead single Bang Bang on the first listen and have been playing it non-stop ever since. Green Day always seem to pop up when the world needs them most, 2004's American Idiot came from the chaos of the Bush-era and Revolution Radio has arrived in the chaos of war, political unrest and Donald Trump. They've gone back to what they do best, a mix of biting songs that assault your eardrums like Revolution Radio, to softer more introspective numbers like Ordinary World. There's still the Green Day sense of fun in Too Dumb To Die and Bouncing Off The Walls. Somewhere Now is the perfect album opener with it's build and explosion of energy. New single Still Breathing is an anthem for those hanging on by their finger nails (saying nothing) and yes the video made me cry the first time I saw it. 

I cannot wait to see them in *checks calendar* 50 days!!!

Special mention also goes to these songs for being generally great this year -

Adele - When We Were Young

Pink - Just Like Fire (extra points awarded for the Alice themed video!)

SIA - Cheap Thrills

Boyce Avenue - Closer - Not bad considering that I cannot stand the Chainsmokers original!

Looking foward to next year I have concerts by Green Day, The Pretty Reckless & Kaiser Chiefs coming up with the promise of a UK tour by Lady GaGa and most importantly the long awaited 5th 30 Seconds To Mars album!!

See you at the barrier!

Love Jen

XxxX

This post is dedicated to Kay Keefe (1966 - 2016) who had awful taste in music but I love her anyway xxxxxxxxxxxx

Becoming a WRAP Star

Over the last month I’ve been attending a group course at Brightview (the community centre in Eastbourne for people with mental health problems) called WRAP (wellness, recovery, action, plan – nothing to do we me suddenly finding my inner gangsta!) – more information here http://mentalhealthrecovery.com/ .

 

I’ll admit when I first signed up for the course I was quite sceptical, I’ve tried CBT, Mindfullness etc with no effect before. I also had reservations about meeting other ‘mental’ people, I joked that “sticking a load of nutters in one place isn’t the best of ideas”. I also hated the idea of talking in a group – it takes me quite a long time to warm up to people I’ve never met or spoken to before.

 

I went into the first session expecting to either walk out at half-time or not come back the next week. And yes the first week was tough, I didn’t really want to contribute, shocking as it may be to believe I actually sat mostly in silence letting other people give their ideas when we split off into groups. There was an exercise with around 50 photo cards where we had to pick one that represented hope to us, they explained that hope in the context of WRAP means something that helps us cope or brightens a bad day. Unfortunately out of the 50 there was not one that applied to me, so I was the only group member with nothing to contribute. We actually had a similar exercise yesterday where we had to pick a card that represented how we’d felt over the last week, again nothing! I’m starting to think I’m not very good at this game (but not as bad as I am at Cluedo!).

 

The course has focused on different subjects each week, the first week was things that gave us the aforementioned hope. Last week we covered things that were helpful and unhelpful to us. It could be the littlest things such as seeing the rabbits first thing in the morning. Examples of unhelpful things could be people dismissing your problems or not taking them seriously, there are different examples for different people.

 

The main focus was building our ‘Toolkit’. The idea of the Toolkit is that you fill it either physically or metaphorically with things that help you to cope. We split it into – Very bad days, Not so good days and Ok days. The idea was that on very bad days we had the bare minimum that we do, so for example I would go out and feed and clean the girls and speak to Helen or Kay. On a not so good day I would do the same but add in things like listen to music or do some crafting. On an OK day I would build on this again with things like going for a walk, seeing friends, taking photos, going for a day out, putting on my ‘fun’ clothes, wearing make-up etc. It’s actually amazing how many things I was ‘using’ as coping mechanisms without realising.

 

This week’s session was based on Triggers that can upset our moods or influence our actions. Turns out that I have 100s of triggers (I also got reprimanded for calling one of mine silly) ranging from reading articles about/seeing examples of bullying, finding groups of school kids intimidating, reading or hearing critical comments about things I’m passionate about e.g music (that was the one I tried to dismiss as silly), seeing images or hearing accounts of animal abuse and so many more.  The course tutors pointed out that although a lot of these triggers are unavoidable, in some cases you can take steps to lessen their impact or if they’re avoidable try to cut them out. So in my avoidable triggers I try not to look up opinions about bands I like on social media as some of the comments people make I take almost personally, however the ladies taking the course explained to me that this is because I have an emotional investment as music is such a big part of my life and a major item in my toolbox. Same with animal abuse, if I’m scrolling down my Facebook timeline and see something that looks to be on that subject I scroll past super-fast so as not to take it in.

 

The group has also made me realise that I really do need to focus on my ‘self-care’ which I have been neglecting for years, spending time running around trying to look after everyone else. As Helen said last night I can only help others effectively if I help myself too. So I guess I need to do more for me, I’m not exactly sure what that constitutes, whether things like going to gigs on my own count (I saw Deap Vally last week – they were really good – check them out if you like female-fronted feminist rock).

 

The other realisation that I’m starting to have is a kind of forgiveness of myself. There are things that I’ve said or done in the past that have made people think I’m strange – hence being ostracised at school and being told by people that I’ve brought it on myself. Or times when I’ve hurt people and been completely oblivious. I know now that these actions were part of my disorder and not me. I need to finally accept that at the time I had no idea I was ‘ill’ or was unable to think straight in a crisis. Now I’m aware of my actions I can take steps to make sure that I’m ‘behaving right’ although my talent for putting my foot in my mouth remains unaffected!

 

I’d definitely recommend WRAP to people who ‘don’t do mind-altering’. I’ve learnt so much already and unlike many other methods I’ve tried I can actually apply it in ‘real life’ . I’m really hoping the effect is permanent.

 

Love Jen
XxxX

Tips For Year 7s

** TRIGGER WARNING** This post contains strong language and explicit references****

#Tipsforyear7s has been trending on Twitter over the weekend to prepare the new intakes to secondary schools around the country for the new world they'll be entering (Admittedly I find it pretty worrying that kids of 11/12 have Twitter accounts!).

Allow me to offer some of my pearls of wisdom.

*General Advice*

Lunch break will be an hour later than you're used to. Prepare to starve.....

You will spend the first couple of weeks paranoid that you've written your lesson schedule down wrong.

You will change as fast as humanly possible after PE due to the teacher of your following lesson failing to understand that 5 minutes between lessons really isn't enough time to change and fight your way along the corridor.

*Advice If You Wish To Become (And retain your membership as) One Of The 'In-Crowd'*

Be prepared to ditch your friends from primary school (see below)

Expect to become a clone of a mean-girls style group, any  spark of individuality will be punishable by social demotion.

Store up a list of snide remarks and insults to keep the geeks in their place.

*If You're Like Me*

Be prepared to be disowned by your primary school friends within hours

Expect aforementioned 'friends' to use any embarrassing confessions you may have made to them in the past as currency to elevate themselves and fit in.

Also beware of said friends suddenly wanting to re-befriend you when they need fresh ammo.

Be prepared for teachers to ignore any reports you make of bullying behaviour despite the giant anti-bullying policy signs in the canteen.

Be prepared to be blamed for your teachers to blame you for your social exclusion

Be careful of liking or disliking any music/films/TV Shows not authorised by the 'in-crowd'

Look foward to accusations of your good self attaching dildos to posters of your favourite bands since you're sooooo lonely (pretty sure that sexual frustration isn't a topic for 12/13 year olds to speculate upon by hey oh)

You will be expected to take slaps on the arse and groping of your books as a compliment

As before don't EVER consider reporting a particularly intimate grope of your backside (performed in front of about 10 people naturally). You will be ostracised forevermore.

Expect to be shot with a BB Gun and the school's response to be to beg your parents not to go to the local press.

Start saving now for the medication and therapy sessions you will need to try and deal with these experiences. It's costly kids!

And remember above all that these are the best days of your life!!!

Love Jen
XxxX

Autumn Blues

It's coming up to the time of year that I dread. The arrival of Autumn with winter hot on it's heels (or should that be cold on it's heels?). To me Autumn represents the death of the one season of the year that I like. Everything is so much easier in the summer. I benefit from the vitamin D I collect from days and evenings spent in the garden with the bunnies. Doing outdoor things - walking home from work, BBQs, festivals & outdoor gigs, airshows the list goes on. And then Autumn arrives to spoil the party.

People say that Autumn is beautiful, and whilst I agree that the colours are indeed nice they also represent the death of summer. To me summer always metaphorically ends on the Sunday of Airbourne, no matter what the weather does. I know most people have found the weather this week too much but I love it in its muggy, sweaty glory. I don't care what people say, SAD most definitely exists and I suffer from it. The only good point of winter is Halloween.  Not even the September issue of Vogue makes it any easier!

With the start of September comes the inevitable back to school. As you all know for me school was 5 years of hell. The 6 weeks of summer provided blissful respite and a chance at some recovery. When we went on our annual summer holiday to France for the last 2 weeks of August I would always feel a wrench as I knew after those 14/15 days, those 360 hours and 216000 minutes I would be staring down the barrel of 9 and a half months of misery.

September/October are the months that I struggle most with my symptoms, they turn to depression and anxiety and make it hard to see the positive of 7/8 months of grey and rain.

It's the time of year that I'm most likely to be signed off of work. It's the time of year I got royally fucked over at CMS with the Parts Supervisor job, same with when I was working for the CHC Team when the 'Scapegoating Of Jen' really took off.

I'm hoping that we have an Indian summer in the manner of 2014 to try and ease the transition somewhat but it's doubtful since the mere sight of school uniforms lined up in shops makes me feel sick, bringing back so many memories. 

So to those of you who do enjoy this time of year I genuinely hope it's a good Autumn full of colour, misty mornings and cool nights.

I on the other hand will see you next summer!

Love Jen
XxxX

Chocks Away! It's Airbourne 2016!

Yep it's finally here! In a few short hours Airbourne 2016 begins! I've been waiting for this ... well pretty much since the 2015 show ended! My regular readers know how excited I get for these 4 days each year, I take the day before off in case anything comes to practice, although I was so knackered from the weekend that an entire squadron of Typhoons could have come over today and I wouldn't have stirred!

So as has been tradition for the 3 years (!) I've been writing this blog it's now time for my Airbourne preview! (by the way if you wanted to read previous year's previews and reviews they are here, here, here, here, here and finally here)

First up we have the Red Arrows

Getting close in 2014

Who doesn't love the mighty reds? They never fail to impress and even seasoned geekers like me can't help but "ooh" and "aah" at them. 

Top tip, if you're planning on watching from the downs then keep your eyes peeled for a low flypast. This photo is not zoomed!

Awesome!

Sea Vixen

I love the Sea Vixen, it's a beautiful example of British engineering and has the most gorgeous delta shape. It's been over 10 years since she last visited Eastbourne and I can't wait to see her again!

Shoreham 2011

Battle Of Britain Memorial Flight

There's so much written about the BBMF that I cannot hope to elaborate upon it. The Lancaster will be welcomed warmly back after missing the entirety of last season due to an engine fire. Please take a moment to appreciate the brave 'few' who protected the country during WW2 and gave the ultimate sacrifice. On a purely superficial level you're pretty much guaranteed not to see such beautiful aircraft anywhere else. 

Hurricane last year

Spitfire buzzing us at Beachy Head last year

Typhoon

I love the Typhoon, it's summed up perfectly by it's Twitter hashtag #BringTheNoise. It's fast, it's noisy and it's fun. One of my absolute favourites!

Trailing smoke last year

Great War Display Team

This will be the team's first visit to Eastbourne. They commemorate the airmen of WW1, a time when combat aviation was in it's fledgling stages and the RAF hadn't even been formed! Here are some photos of them at Shoreham Airshow back in 2012 -

Blenheim

The Blenheim made it's Airbourne debut last year. I really enjoyed it, it's an unusual but lovely looking aircraft. 

At Biggin Hill earlier this year

Spitfire

Do I really need to encourage you to watch a Spitfire? This is a two seat trainer variant and is the stablemate of the Spitfire that flew with Dad on Sunday (see today's earlier blog)

Glinting in the sun last year

Sally-B

Sally-B is one of the last B-17 Flying Fortresses to be constructed, she is also a film star having been in the film Memphis Belle, it's not often we get visited by a movie star!

At Biggin Hill earlier this year

Bronco

I'm really looking foward to seeing the Bronco team, I only saw a small part of their display earlier this year at Biggin Hill whilst hiding from the rain! 

MIG-15 & Vampires

These aircraft are owned and operated by the Norwegian Air Force Historical Squadron. The MIG 15 had an incredibly long service life and is considered to be one of the finest fighters ever built - it regular makes it onto Top 10 lists. The Vampire was in fact commissioned during WW2 and came into service in the early 50s. I particularly like the MIG and Vampires as they always fly in over my house! Who doesn't love a private airshow?

MIG last year

Vampires from Beachy Head last year

Tigers Parachute Team

The Tigers will be opening the show tomorrow, quite literally bringing the show to the people! I would love to give parachuting a try!

Dropping in back in 2014

Fireflies

I'm a sucker for some pyrotechnics so I'm excited to see these guys!

B25 Mitchell

The B25 is making it's Airbourne debut this year, it's an American medium bomber and incredibly maneuverable and fun to watch. 

Shoreham 2014

P51 Mustang

The Mustang is regularly voted the best fighter plane ever produced and it's not hard to see why, they had incredibly long range (they would escort bombers to Germany and back), fantastic firepower and look damn good! Listen out for her 'whistle' caused by the wind rushing over her gun turrets. 

I'm still so pleased with this shot from Shoreham 2014

Jet Provost Duo

The Jet Provost is always fun to watch, it was the RAF's fast jet trailer before the Hawk. I've not seen the duo before so I'm looking foward to them.

Airbourne 2014

Team Raven

I've not seen these guys before but I'm always curious to see a new display team!

The Blades

This season marks the team's 10th anniversary, it only seems a couple of years ago that I saw them for the first time at Biggin Hill. Over the years their livery and sponsers have changed but what has remained is their fantastic flying display that is always exciting. You can even fly with The Blades, how much fun would that be?

Watch out for their 'Crazy Flying'

Passing really close in 2014

Wingwalkers

I would love to have a go at wingwalking! Not sure I'd look quite as glamerous on the wing though ....

Airbourne 2014

I'm so excited for the show this year, the weather looks good, the line-up looks good. It's time to head to the beach!

Love Jen

XxxX